Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Wow if you squint you can almost see exactly how fucked Dagmire is: oh and dragonshy too

Author's Note:

“Yeet! *clang!*”

-the sound of Dagmire throwing a tiny piano at a succubus

Dagmire awoke with a splitting headache. He looked over to the nightstand and saw an unmarked bottle with a note on it. The note read: “to sober Dagalag. Drink this XOXO kill yourself- drunk cool dagarag”’ Dagmire took a sip and found that the drink was actually vodka. Dagmire put the drink down and shifted out of bed only to discover that he wasn’t wearing pants. He quickly found a pair in his dresser and after putting it on to his horror he heard a moan of pain from behind him.

“Ugh what’s with the killer hangover?” Gilda said

“...”

Dagmire simply stood there wide eyed. Gilda slowly got out of the bed and she quickly noticed something was wrong. She looked up and saw a beet red maskless Dagmire wearing only pants.

“...oh shit” Gilda said while judging the severity of the situation

Dagmire quickly grabbed his mask and strapped it on. He took a few deep breaths and attempted to find a solution

“Ok...what the fuck happened last night?” Dagmire asked

“Uh I think you said something about being part dragon or something?” Gilda admittedly said

Dagmire inspected the room and it seemed surprisingly clean despite the questionable activity’s that took place earlier...except for the bloody spear near the door and the blood trail

“Damm I think I tried to make it up the stairs.” Dagmire said sheepishly while grabbing a blood rag

“Woah. Dude are you ok?” Gilda said while momentarily forgetting about the situation

“Yeah I’m fine. Just don’t ever take the stairs. They are seriously dangerous.” Dagmire said

“Ok...so what do we do?” Gilda asked

“I’m not quite sure. I’ve never been in this situation before” Dagmire admittedly said

“Dagmire we got a situation here!” Clearance called from down stairs

“Ok I’ll be down in a second! Shit. Ok uh leave through the window and if the want to come back at anytime just smash through a window while thinking about the bar. It’s magic.” Dagmire said while quickly getting dressed and leaping off the balcony

“Ok Clearance what’s going on?” Dagmire asked with seriousness

“We got a dragon problem up on some mountain. If we can’t move it than this place is going to get covered in smog”

“Wait so a dragon isn’t attacking?”

“No. He’s sleeping. Twilight said it’s kinda important-“

“Say no more. Let’s go” Dagmire said without a moment of hesitation”

The duo made their way to the rest of the elements.

“Woah hold up. Dagmire what are you doing? Rainbow asked

“Getting ready for another adventure”

“This is a dangerous job Dagmire. We simply cannot in good con-“

“BITCHYOUDONTKNOWMYLIFE!” Dagmire shouted interrupting Rarity

“Seriously though girls. Trust me. He’s up for it.” Clearance said

“Yep! If dragons and dungeons are involved I’m the man to call! It’s literally my job”

“I thought you were a bartender?” Twilight said

“We both know that isn’t true Twilight.” Dagmire said bluntly

Twilight thought about it for a moment and remembered the secret room.

“Anyway let’s go.” Dagmire said as he began walking up the slope

Fluttershy was scared but also determined. She nervously began her climb behind most of the group. She needed answers.

-twenty minutes later...

“Thanks again man. I uh don’t do well on slippery slopes.” Clearance admittedly said while piggyback riding Dagmire

“No problem! Besides you let me ride on your shoulder when you were big. And now I can finally return the favour!” Dagmire said with a hidden grin under his mask

“...where are the others?” Clearance asked

Dagmire stopped climbing and looked down the mountain. The ponys were having a small bit of difficulty climbing the mountain due to their biology

“Huh. I guess it would be difficult to climb without hands.” Dagmire sheepishly said

“Dude you have hands and legs. Trust me. It’s a bitch without both” Clearance stated

“Ok. Let’s wait for them so they can catch up.”

“Alright. Just set me down near that tree. I don’t wanna slide off this mountain...again”

Dagmire set Clearance down beside the tree and Clearance wrapped his body around the bark

“...alright! I’m good for now. So anyway why are they having so much trouble with the smoke anyway?” Clearance asked

“Probably aren’t used to fire and brimstone. I don’t know if that’s good or bad.”

“Why would it be bad?”

“Well for starters they aren’t exactly used to conflict of any kind from what I’ve seen. Basically if this dragon decided to be an ass and burn down the town they would be helpless”

“Well I guess...”

“It’s been so weird living here. Seriously. When I was in jail the inquisitor only broke three ribs when I wouldn’t “expose my evil plan”. Seriously. I’ve never seen a more pissed off person and they did less damage than an unlucky run up the stairs”

“Really? That kinda ruins the point of an inquisitor doesn’t it”

“Yep. Also the prick that broke my mask ran out of the room screaming. Honestly that hurt more than the ribs did.”

“Why didn’t you turn him to stone?” Clearance asked

“I might have your eye but I still lack the magic to do that. Seriously the amount of magical energy required to turn someone to stone is ridiculous. If you were human you would probably be a master wiz- oh. OH. TECHNICALLY you are a little bit human because you have my eye!”

“Wait so your telling me that I can use magic?”

“Well if you get a wand yes”

“Why do I need a wand? I’ve never needed one to turn people to stone?”

“Well if you cast a fireball and it backfires your claws wont explode”

“Oh”

“Yep. You gotta be careful man”

“So where can I get a wand?”

“Well anything inherently magical can be used as a wand if it’s strong enough. I think I’ve still got the blade of the hydra somewhere at home...but I always carry a shard with me in case of emergency”

Dagmire reaches into his bag and pulls out a green stained glass shard and snaps the glass blade in two. Two more stained glass shards sprouted from the weapon’s crude hilt.

“Here. Try this” Dagmire said while handing the crude weapon to Clearance

Clearance studied the shard with curiosity and his left eye began shining a brilliant purple as he thrusted the shard into the air. The shard sparkled and a massive beam of multi coloured light poured out of the blade. Clearance threw the shard down instinctively and the shard exploded.

And just like that they were all at the top of the mountain

“What? Where are we?” Twilight asked

“We are at the top of the mountain. Your welcome” Clearance said

“Woah... wait where’s Dagmire?” Applejack asked

Clearance looked over the cliff and saw Dagmire still on the ledge they were on just a moment ago. When clearance looked back he noticed he moved the tree as well and was still wrapped around it.

“Hey rainbow do you think you could get Dagmire?”

“Woah he’s way too heavy for that!”

Clearance pointed behind himself to show rainbow that Dagmire was flying up the mountain by flapping his arms hard with his boots in his backpack

“Woah...”

“Yep. When he’s in a pinch he literally just goes up and away by doing that.”

“He looks like an idiot”

“Well someone has to go and play the part of the fool” Dagmire replies while finally reaching the top and quickly putting on his boots

“Alright So apparently I can do magic!” Clearance said

“We can worry about that later. We got a dragon to politely ask to leave” Dagmire said while casually walking into the cave and ignoring all of Twilight’s warnings

Dagmire approached the dragon and began bopping the large creature’s nose. The dragon awoke and looked curiously at Dagmire

“And who might you be...Wait”

The dragon sniffed the air and looked at Dagmire with wide eyes. The dragon began uproariously laughing at Dagmire as he simply stood there. After a moment of this the dragon calmed down and spoke

“Oh by the gods Smaug actually did it! That crazy basterd was actually telling the truth! HAHAHAHAHAHA!”

Dagmire continued to stand there

“OH MY SIDES! tell me little one *snicker* how does it feel to be the love child of the *snicker* great Smaug, the matriarch of the gaurd... AND AN ALPACA! HAHAHAHA!”

“Eh. Like both of them had some very fucked up fetishes. Also Smaug was my grandpa. Anyway could you please-” Dagmire bluntly said before being interrupted

“HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

”don’t mock me again. I know where you live you son of a bitch”

“Haha th-the only basterd child here is y-you! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”

Dagmire while seething in rage takes off his mask and looks directly into the eyes of the dragon while his own begin shining...

“Ok he’s been in there long enough. I’m going in!” Rainbow shouted before suddenly stopping.

The sound of scrapping stone invaded the ponys ears and they all covered them in an attempt to get the horrid sound to stop. Eventually the sound left and when everyone finally got back up they saw Dagmire with his mask on dragging a large statue frozen with a smile on its face

“Hey Clearance! I can turn shit to stone!”

“Hell yeah!”

The ponys jaws all dropped

Comments

[Kembrius]

well he can turn shit to stone

[Theboxcatgamr]

9978210
Only on the third Tuesday of a year

[Ziper Ace]

Bruh, that Dragon could had lived another day but nope