Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Look before you sleep: “roll for sleep”

Author's Note:

“I PET ITS HEAD!”
*rolls nat 20*

“You kill the bear by petting it too hard and as the blood of the innocent hits your hand you contract blood distortion syndrome”

“FUCK YOU! GET BEAR AIDS YOU EVIL SADISTIC BITCH!”

-a dnd conversation I overheard once

After releasing the dragon from its stony prison, a quick battle ensued when he was a sore loser and decided to attack Dagmire. Fluttershy shut that shit down quickly and a day passed.

Dagmire was just boarding up the windows and preparing for the storm that supposedly was coming. Apparently the snakes go from passive to absolutely ballistic when it rains.

“Alright Clearance! Were all good. So your sure that twilight is fine with us staying the night?”

“Yep! I told her that it’s somewhat important so we should be good to go!”

A bolt of thunder struck a tree beside the bar and suddenly the snake pit opened and snakes blasted out erratically. Dagmire and Clearance quickly bolted out of the door and slammed it shut. They sprinted across the town in an attempt to get inside before the storm intensified and managed to follow rarity and applejack inside of Twilight’s house

“Thanks for letting us all stay Twilight!” Dagmire expressed with gratitude

“No problem guys! You can join in on the slumber party!”

“Huh? What’s a slumber party?” Dagmire asked

“What’s the point of partying while asleep?” Clearance enquired

“No you don’t party while your asleep. You basically here sleep overnight after we do a bunch of fun activities!” Twilight explaind

“Ok then...” Dagmire said while rarity was complaining about something

“So what’s first?”

“Well the book says that makeovers-“

Dagmire quickly gave a peace sign and with a flash of his mask and an explosion of croissants in his wake he was gone the moment Twilight uttered the word makeover

“...what was that about?” Clearance said while not noticing the evil grin of the two unicorns behind him

Suddenly Dagmire shattered the window and grabbed Clearance

“LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND!”

Dagmire then with Clearance in his grip flew backwards through the window as if he was in reverse. Even the glass went back into place. Quickly recovering from the shock twilight grabbed the essentials...

Ten minutes passed and after they were done with the mud masks and scary stories Dagmire and Clearance fell out of the ceiling panel they were hiding in.

Dagmire looked at rarity who looked at applejacks hoof (for a reason That Dagmire couldn’t find) as applejack gave rarity a deadpan look.

“...sup?” Dagmire asked casually

“Oh you’re just in time! Were are about to make “s’mores” I’m so excited!”

Dagmire decided not to ask what a s’more was as he was currently focusing on the strange small white cylinder shaped objects in a bag twilight pulled out.

Remaining cautious and remembering the time Stella convinced Dagmire to try hay, Dagmire politely turned down the strange treats

Dagmire watched with curiosity as they skewered a white cylinder and began roasting them over a fire.

They put them on some gram crackers and ate them (after rarity and applejack fought a bit more) and then they began playing a game called truth or dare

“So your telling me this is just a game of vicious mockery?” Dagmire said with interest

“Well I wouldn’t say it like that but basically yes” Twilight said

“Alright I’m in!” Dagmire said finally ready to participate in an activity

“Me too!” Clearance echoes

The game started off with applejack in a dress and rarity soaking wet due to the rain. Before they could argue some more Dagmire quickly cut in and took his turn

“Alright Twilight! Truth or dare?” Dagmire asked

“Truth” Twilight said playing it safe

“Ok...what are you afraid of” Dagmire said while fishing for prank material

“Snakes, bats and rats” Twilight said too giddy to be embarrassed

“Ok Clearance truth or dare?” Twilight asked

“Truth” Clearance said

“Ok...how did you use magic on the mountain” Twilight said with all the subtlety of the Spanish Inquisition

“I don’t know” Clearance said honestly and smugly at how he dodged the question

“Alright Dagmire! Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” Dagmire stated

Clearance gave a sly smile that promised embarrassment and regret

“I dare you to go without your magic for the rest of the night”

Dagmire began sweating profusely and then suddenly sighed

“Fine. Twilight could you follow me to the bathroom for a moment? I’m not giving him the pleasure of seeing it happen” Dagmire said grudgingly

Twilight follows Dagmire to the bathroom and as she casts the spell a blinding light explodes and suddenly Dagmire was gone. In his place (and clothing minus the mask) was a small fluffy alpaca. his hair had changed to a style similar to that of pinky but much less intense. Twilight looked confused at the creature until it spoke in Dagmire’s voice

“Let’s just get this over with” Dagmire said now in his true form

“W-what!?” Twilight stammered out

“Well we’ve got stuff to do. Come on then!” Dagmire said strangely joyfully while walking over to the door.

-meanwhile inside Twilight’s mind

“WHAT IS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!” helmet screamed

“I believe it’s called an “alpaca”. Apparently they are a rare species that were found very far Away from here” glasses said

“Wait so THATS Dagmire?!” Goggles exclaimed

“It appears so...” Slippers said while wide awake for the first time in two months

“Well we need to deal with him. He’s a threat to the slumber party manual!” Helmet stated while stomping her hoof

“Well Twilight is too stressed to deal with this rationally” glasses said

“Why?” Helmet inquired while looking back at the others:

Slippers was star struck, goggles had the goggles swapped out with binoculars that seemed to focus on Dagmire’s assets, and glasses was resting on a cloud in the shape of a nine

“What’s going on here?!” Helmet screamed

“I...I think Twilight’s flustered!” Glasses said with panic evident in her voice

“What?! But how?! He isn’t even a pony...ok nevermind that point was worthless the moment we saw him but still! What do we do!” Helmet said

“Hey he’s getting away!” Slippers said watching Dagmire finally figure out how to open the door with hooves and walk into the living room while Clearance chuckled at his appearance

“Well don’t just stand there! Defend him! Uh I’ll complement his tail!” Goggles said while she smashed into the dashboard and quickly formed a sentence

“...what did you do? Why is everypony starring at us?” Helmet asked

“I...told him he has a nice ass?”

Helmet slammed her head on the dashboard and quickly pressed the big red “awkward laughter” button with her hoof

“...Well ah mean we weren’t lying” a Twilight with a Stetson on said

“Yeah and at least rarity and applejack aren’t fighting anymore” party said with a spring in her imaginary step

“Wait hold on! Is Twilight blushing?!” Helmet cried in panic

The large door with many locks on it and many chains had a lock break

“Shit! If we keep going at this rate than we’ll unleash the dark fantasy’s!” Glasses exclaims with worry

“HOLD THE LINE!” Helmet screamed while moving Twilight back into the bathroom

“I got it!” Party said while sprinting to the dark door and propping a single chair against it

“Good job soldier! We need more chairs! Keep them coming!” Helmet said without realizing the speaker was on

-meanwhile in Twilight’s living room

“WE NEED MORE CHAIRS!” Twilight screamed out while retreating to the bathroom

“...I’m going to make garlic bread!” Dagmire said happily as if nothing had happened

Clearance smiled knowingly at Dagmire as he skipped into the kitchen and began rooting through the pantry

“What in tarnation is going on!?” Applejack screamed out in frustration

“Well he has difficulty being happy in his other form and the longer he stays in a form the more sad he gets. So every once in a while I have a wizard or something negate his magic and allow him to shift to the next form for a bit.” Clearance explaind to the two

“What?”

“Basically I let him run around as an alpaca because that’s the form he was born as and eventually a week later the mask’s magic kicks back in and he shifts back into his human form...and occasionally he turns into a dragon born for a bit.” Clearance said

“But darling where is the mask?” Rarity said momentarily forgetting about her and Applejack’s feud

“It disappears or something when this happens”

“Hey! Who wants garlic bread?” Dagmire asked while stepping out of the kitchen

“Oh I’ll have some” Clearance replies

“Ok! Here we go!” Dagmire said as he charged back into the kitchen

Applejack and Rarity were concerned about the sounds of metal striking metal in the other room. It sounded as if a massive brawl was taking place as steel met steel in the pursuit of glory and garlic bread.

Eventually everyone was at the table of the kitchen as they watched Dagmire defy many laws of physics as he zoomed around the kitchen and eventually stood at a stand still as he stared into an oven and waited for the bread to be done.

“Uh are you ok?” Applejack asked Dagmire

“Probably not” Dagmire said as he took out the garlic bread put it on the table and threw himself onto the couch before falling asleep immediately

“And there’s the crash. He’s out for the night” Clearance said while twilight began pulling out pillows in preparation for the oncoming fight

“Ok so now we are doing what’s called a pillow fight” Twilight explains as rarity and applejack dueled it out.

Clearance smiled and grabbed a pillow before charging into the fray

Comments

[CarolMAssphalt666]

I just looked up the animal known as an alpaca. I have never seen something both so hilarious and adorable at the same time in all of my life.

[RanBro]

Dagmire quickly gave a peace sign and with a flash of his mask and an explosion of croissants in his wake he was gone the moment Twilight uttered the word makeover

What in the sam hell was this