Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Fighting for it: can we go on with the story without an angsty child FOR FIVE MINUTES?!

Author's Note:

“And with an echo through the night we heard it. The sound brought the fear of god and reminded us that even with our power we must remain humble. After all who can say that they were destroyed by the ghost of a yodelling man and not lose credibility? How do you explain that you hear him in your dreams, like visions sent from an angry god? Simple. You don’t. You just pray he is simply having fun rather than bellowing out a chorus of war.”

-tales from the bonfire 4

The group stood outside of the now collapsed tower admiring their handiwork. The entire building collapsed like a house of cards the moment magic stopped supporting it only cementing the fact that wizard towers were poor ideas without proper architecture.

Elated that a long lost friend had returned Dagmire was practically skipping all the way home. Which was somewhat impressive as he not only remained head to head with the wagon but was also going double Dutch. About half way there a faint rumbling was slowly getting louder, beginning to skip backwards at the speed of lunacy Dagmire observed where the rumbling was coming from only to be met face to face with a kid in an orange jumpsuit running alongside his very confused and familiarly edgy cloaked friend.

“...why are you here?” Dagmire asked ditching the Dutch for a sliding T-pose form so he wouldn’t trip at his current speed

“I have come to defend my honour” the edged one said

“Why? We both know no honour will come from this. I’m just trying to get my family home after a long day.” Dagmire explained deciding on riding on the cart to appear more serious

He to Dagmire’s surprise actually seemed to reconsider

“...Naruto why are we here?”

“Sauske (I probably spelled that wrong but whatever) I TOLD you that this guy was a jerk! He threw me through a window!”

“Now I would like to remind you again that this was because you we’re about to attack Clearance.” Dagmire exclaimed

Sauske looked over at Naruto even more confused

“What? He had it coming!” He said matter-of-factly

“Oh screw off kid. Seriously just leave us alone!” Dagmire shouted refusing to take it in the ass

“You will all regret that you bucking lunatic-“

“BITCH YOU THINK YOU GET TO KILL ME?! IM FUCKING CRAZY! ILL EAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU LITTLE SHIT!” Ax said having enough of the argument

Dagmire recoiled a bit. He just needed to remember that this wasn’t the little nervous Pokémon he knew anymore.

“OK WHY DONT WE JUST RELAX AND TURN ON THE RADIO?! WOULD YOU LIKE AM OR FM?!” Dagmire said as calm as he could

“RASANGAN!”

“ROBO-BITCH!” Dagmire said throwing a tricycle at the blue ball

An explosion happened when the tricycle hit the ball and Naruto was left in the dust as Sauske sighed

“Listen. For the record I actually don’t want to do this. I’m sorry”

“Oh no completely understandable. And I can tell you were mostly dragged along for this. It’s not you I’m mad at. It’s mr cheese puff back there. Seriously. What is his problem with us? I don’t get it” Dagmire said rationally

“I know about as much as you do. Anyway I gotta wrap this up.” He said taking out a sword

“So be it.”

“CHIDORI!” The man screamed charging at the wagon

“MEGA FAGGET!” Dagmire said as his mask flashed and he threw a doll dressed up like the author at the man

(I had to do that because I myself rolled a one. Don’t care if I spelled it wrong tho)

The doll collided with sauske in a rather flamboyant fashion causing him to trip and safely fall on a meticulously placed hay bale

“And that’s that” Dagmire said while getting back into the wagon

“...so Dagmire...why were you at that tower?” Ax asked

“Oh I was trying to rescue my son.”

“You have a kid?!”

“Yeah! He’s the little ball of feathers and fur over here” Dagmire said holding Ludwig up for the world to see

“Hi!” Ludwig said with enthusiasm

“Oh he’s adorable!” Ax cooed

Ludwig giggled a bit before Dagmire set him down next to his mother

“So how’s paradise been since I’ve left?”

“Lonely. We lost the grandmaster a little while back and it hit moral hard. Before I was brought here everyone left and I was about to attend his funeral and do the same” Ax said

“Oh no! What happened to tufftsy?!”

“someone poisoned the food before we ate in the mess hall. Turns out something meant to incapacitate us mixed very poorly with the Apples...”

“Why? Why would they do that?”

“I don’t know. Without that dimensional scream you had we didn’t see it coming.”

“You know who did it?”

The hooded pony laughed and Dagmire connected the dots

“They wanted to capture us for some reason. Since I was the only one left at paradise they got the jump on me and knocked me out.” Ax finished

“Damn. Do you know what they looked like?”

“Pretty much the guys we just escaped from. Dark hood bloody eyes.” Ax confirmed

“So what-“

CONNECTION INTERRUPTED. IMPORTANT MESSAGE TO ANY REMAINING READERS AVAILABLE IN NEXT CHAPTER. EXPLANATION WILL FOLLOW.