Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Good chaos: the spice of life

Author's Note:

If the key to the universe is life...

Than exactly what the hell could be in the locked box it belongs to?

-Dagmire the discorded

10 years after stopping the apocalypse

“Oh that was great! I usually don’t say this but thanks dagmire. That was fine ale!”

Dagmire smiled underneath his mask and nodded his head in acknowledgment and appreciation. Dagmire walked up to the entrance window and flipped the sign over to its other side now displaying to the multiverses: “GON ADVENTERIN”

Dagmire laughs a bit at his choice of words on the sign and how lucky he was to be gaining more control over his curse. Now he was suddenly a much more valuable party member thanks to his ability to finally avoid spontaneously doing something silly in dire circumstances. Of course sometimes his curse turned into a blessing and he was able to do astounding things when under control. It is how he built his bar and found his best friend clearance in a lake. Chaos had given and taken many things from Dagmire. To this day he is still proud of the jesters attire he always wears.

A tapping noise began ringing through the bar signaling that clearance had finished cleaning the glass snakes and they were finally ready to brew some more drinks. The prankster god tipped his hat before smashing through a side window and disappearing into the multiverse. The window quickly repaired itself with magic and Dagmire sighed in annoyance.

“Why can’t he ever leave through the front window? I knew the fire escape was a bad idea.”

The glass snake the prankster was drinking from slitherd over to Dagmire with five pieces of gold inside of its transparent body before literally coughing up the cash. Dagmire collected the gold and was about to scratch the glass snakes chin before he remembered that it wasn’t a real snake. Dagmire paused then remembered the one traveler who brought something called a “roomba” the strange device had a knife crudely attached to the top. The traveler called it Sargent stabby before hugging the strange contraption and ordering a snake beer, he also asked if clearance’s name was supposed to be Clarance. Dagmire told the customer it isn’t and asked what a “Clarance” was. Dagmire continued his original plan of scratchys and afterwards the snake returned to the cellar for later cleaning.

Dagmire began hyping himself up for what would need to happen for him to make it up the stairs and on the balcony. Dagmire let out a battle cry and charged up the stairs dodging spears arrows and chickens as he progressed. Eventually he made it to the snake pit where the glass snakes are stored and he lept over it without hesitating. Eventually even chaos became routine for Dagmire as he soared over the pit of glass, a few snakes peaked their heads in curiosity although most remaind indifferent due to this constantly occurring every day. Eventually Dagmire made it to the top of the stairs and congratulated himself on a successful climb.

“Ok clearance I made it to the top!”

Clearance snickered and pointed his finger at the large trail of black sand that lead up the stairs and into the snake pit. Dagmire looked at his pocket only to find out that it was inside out and leaking a flow of sand

“Damm it. Panikos must have flipped it on his way out.”

Dagmire sighed grabbed a broom and prepared to try and clean up the mess. When suddenly his eyes flashed as they usually did when chaos happened and the sand was now many rainbow sprinkles littered throughout the bar. Dagmire and clearance’s eyes flashed with recognition and with a speed the god of thunder was jealous of, they collected as many of the rare objects as they could and laughed at their good fortune.

“Clearance! Let’s set up the forge!”

Clearance gave a thumbs up and as the slapped on his magic negating glasses before leaping through the front window to find the baker. Dagmire deciding to skip the stairs took off his magic boots and threw them up the stairs before using his now light body to leap up the stairs. When he was cursed many things had changed about Dagmire such as his hight shooting up a few feat and his body weight becoming almost non-existent.

He was glad that the castle he was being held captive in had a wizard who willingly enchanted his boots to bring him back to his old weight when worn. Dagmire usually didn’t jump up stairs like this without getting some form of injury so naturally he tended to avoid doing so.

This was a special occasion

Dagmire hit the wall and doing a strange tactical air swim he made it to his boots and put them on before quickly grabbing a muffin tray in a space under the floorboards. Clearance entered through the upstairs window holding a bag of icing and other ingredients. The duo sprinted out of the previous window and quickly took the one on the first story as their reentrance place to avoid the dreaded stairs, they went into a side room and slammed the ingredients on a table as they began filling the trays with the goods when suddenly the window broke...again

“Greetings. Are you still open?” The stranger asked from downstairs.

“Actually we are not. Sorry.” Dagmire said

“Oh...wait what’s that...”

The cloaked stranger suddenly appeared beside Dagmire and Clearance and pointed an accusatory finger towards Clearance

“BEGONE FROM THIS PLACE FOUL BEING!”

The stranger took out a hidden sword and took a swing at Clearance before being blocked by Dagmire’s scythe.

“Calm down. He’s friendly...also what kind of paladin would visit a bar run on chaos?”

The now uncloaked paladin seemed to inspect Dagmire thoroughly until his eyes laid on his mask.

“...I knew I felt something evil coming from here.”

“what?”

“All magical items within the city are banned under all circumstances.”

“The hell? This bar isn’t in a-“

“THEN WHY DID I APPEAR HERE AFTER JUMPING THROUGH THAT WINDOW?!”

Chaos, that’s why

“You’ll be going away for a long time heathen”

“And you’re going down that staircase for a long time”

“Wha-“

The paladin was interrupted by something wrapped around his leg pulling harshly yanking him down the staircase, as he fell for a very long time, Dagmire gave Clearance a high five and they began making their way towards the escape window (because I believe every house needs an escape window!) and unfortunately for the duo Dagmire’s eyes flashed again and instead of exiting the window of a bar he exited a banner of some sort of sun and hit the ground hard. Dagmire got up before being thrown down to the ground again by a flailing basilisk.

Today was not a good day to be Dagmire

Comments

[Strawberry Surprise]

When you say Dragmire, do you mean Ganondorf?