Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

Crisis in the empire: Starring at the man In the mirror and asking him to stop flipping me off as I try to explain the situation

Author's Note:

“Listen we can hear you talk about how your dicks all pierced The heaven’s and united the seven kingdoms or we can actually go and do shit and make it a reality. The unification not the long dongs I mean.”

-Dagmire the discorded to the nobles of the elven kingdom

*smash*

“Mail call!” A grey Pegasus called out as she set a few letters on a table

Clearance awoke from his bed and thanked the Pegasus before she flew through the window again.

“Alright let’s see...applejack wants me to come with her on a train ride, spoiled rich is suing me for endangerment to the public, a letter for Dagmire from Gilda, and a letter from someone called the “DAMM HAMSTER” written in all caps. Wonder what that could be?”

Clearance opens the letter with his claw and it’s full of glitter. Upon cleaning the glitter off the letter simply has the letters “KYS” written on it. Having no clue what it means Clearance shrugs it off. Clearance goes upstairs to give Dagmire his letter and leaves it on his nightstand before leaving to go off and help Applejack not paying any mind to the convoy of griffin’s heading to the bar.

---

Dagmire awoke with a start and fell through the floor and roof until he hit a cold metallic ground. Dagmire was already on a train headed towards the griffin empire when he awoke. He guessed that it wasn’t the mask’s doing as in front of him sat a griffin waiting patiently while staring at him. That and he was still wearing pants.

“Ow.”

“Good morning. The empire requests your presence” the griffin said plainly as if Dagmire didn’t just fall through the train a few times

“Wha... why?” Dagmire said trying to knock the tiredness out of his tone

“It seems you have gotten quite “friendly” with one of our ambassadors” the griffin continued

“Yes. And?”

“You will be tested to prove your mettle and worth in the house of trueblood since you seem to have upstaged miss Gilda’s soon to be betrothed sir gritty.” The griffin said with a bit of restrained rage

Dagmire was too tired to laugh at the dumb name

“So basically until the end of this I am-“

“In custody of the house of trueblood until you fail” the griffin said lazily

“I find your lack of faith in me disturbing”

“Can you fly sir?” The griffin asked

“I can glide” Dagmire answered

“That will not be enough” the griffin said

“I’ll make do.” Dagmire said

“...We’ll see about that” the griffin said

An uncomfortable silence filled the train as Dagmire pondered his options

“Well why now? Why pick me up now?” Dagmire asked

“Well we couldn’t have those ponys interfering now could we?” The griffin said with a cocky grin

Dagmire tried to ignore Stella’s smug expression as she hid on the luggage rack beside Dagmire’s luggage

“Fair enough. So how far is the empire?” Dagmire asked

“A few minutes. You are quite the sleeper” the griffin said

“That I am. This should be interesting” Dagmire said as the train pulled into the station

Dagmire pulled a barrel shaped case out of the luggage

“What’s in that?” The griffin asked

“Snakes”

“Don’t play games with me sir. What’s in the barrel?”

Dagmire opened the top of the barrel and a glass snake poked its head out in confusion

“...”

“What? I told the truth”

While the griffin was distracted Stella used her illusion magic and slipped into Dagmire’s shadow to remain hidden

“Why would you ever need something so grotesque?” the griffin asked befuddled

“Oh just to help someone with a favour”

“What kind of favour?” The griffin said before handing a train attendant a sack of bits

“Why don’t you visit me around midnight and find out Glory?” Dagmire ominously said

“What?! How did you get that name!?”

But when glory turned back around Dagmire was gone

“...what?”

---

Dagmire atop the train station with Stella looking at the massive city that lay in front of them

“Woah...this place is huge!” Stella exclaimed

“Yeah. Thanks for the save in the train Stella” Dagmire said

“No problem. Now then...what now?” Stella asked

“Well until we go and figure out this trueblood stuff we are technically breaking the law if what Glory said is correct. So for now let’s go there and see what happens.” Dagmire stated

“Are you sure that’s the only reason you’re going there?” Stella asked tauntingly

“No. I’m also going to free a soul or two and say howdy to Gilda” Dagmire answered bluntly

“Oh how blunt. Well I guess I got nothing better to do now that the changeling’s are gone” Stella said

“I still wish we could have solved that better.”

“Welp let’s go. We’re burning daylight”

Dagmire and Stella jumped to the next building and decided to follow Glory this time on their own terms

---

“Alright. He’s stopping here. Let’s listen” Dagmire told Stella

“It seems that he has slipped from our grasp.” Glory said

“Damm it Dagmire! I need you!” Gilda’s voice rang out

“Ok on second thought...”

Dagmire took off his boots and dropped them behind Glory causing him to sidestep before Dagmire used his reduced weight to gently fall to the ground in the “paint me like one of your French girls” pose. He gently touched the ground before speaking

“You rang?” Dagmire said confidently

“Dagmire!” Gilda sang out uncharacteristically with joy

Gilda surprised Dagmire with a swoping hug which he returned. After a while of remaining in each other’s embrace they broke off

“I’m so glad to see you!”

“Most people aren’t” Dagmire joked

“Although this is a touching moment we need to prepare for-“

Suddenly Glory was cut off as a griffin that looked more like a peacock shoved him out of the way

“you” the griffin spoke

“you” Dagmire repeated

“how dare you steal away my wife!-”

“I chose him first bird brain” Gilda said with no emotion

“Quiet sweetheart-

“-Oh don’t do it-“

“-The males are talking” the griffin said vindictively

“...you may proceed Stella”

Suddenly like a drop bear (but it’s an actual bear instead of a koala) pouncing on its prey Stella dropped from the roof and landed on the griffin. Screaming and hooves hitting solid things began playing as the griffin desperately tried to drop the tiny horse on the ground. The griffin threw the pony into the ground and instead of landing with a thud Stella sank into her shadow then launched back out at the same velocity directly into the griffin’s genitalia.

As the griffin clutched his privates Dagmire finished the polite talk he had with Glory and Gilda

“-and this is my friend Stella. Shall we go and discus the details of this challenge from mr nitty gritty?”

“Yes. On second thought I believe I was wrong about you mr Arkmoon” Glory said apologetically

“Please. Dagmire is fine. Let’s go inside. We have much to discus”

“Indeed” Glory said as Stella followed them inside

Comments

[Devela]

Suddenly like a drop bear (but it’s an actual bear instead of a koala) pouncing on its prey Stella dropped from the roof and landed on the griffin. Screaming and hooves hitting solid things began playing as the griffin desperately tried to drop the tiny horse on the ground. The griffin threw the pony into the ground and instead of landing with a thud Stella sank into her shadow then launched back out at the same velocity directly into the griffin’s genitalia.

I laughed so hard at the beginning and end of that paragraph.

[Theboxcatgamr]

9649759
I aim to please.

Also to do dumb things

[Theboxcatgamr]

The best way to enjoy the story is to read it like someone is screaming each word as fast as they can while rushing to finish. Fast paced and chaotic