Dagmire the discorded goes to Equestria

by Theboxcatgamr

The ticket master: Dagmire’s first friendship problem just got upstaged

Author's Note:

”RRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE” - the sound Dagmire made while casting bardic inspiration In his sleep after rolling a nat 20

Twilight was having a rough day. After everything going poorly when she discovered that Celestia sent her tickets to the GGG she was finally ready to take a bite of a nice daisy sandwich when suddenly the waiter asked her a question.

“Miss are you going to eat out in the rain?”

Twilight confusedly looks to the sky only to see patchy cloud work that could only belong to an amateur...or somepony very out of it.

“Rainbow are you trying to get me to give you the tickets?”

“What? No that’s not what this is about!”

“Please don’t-“

“Twilight we need to talk.” Rainbow demanded in a serious tone

“...ok. What is it” twilight asked exasperated

“We need to go to the library first. This is...uh kinda personal”

Concerned for her new friend Twilight decided to oblige the request by teleporting rainbow, spike and herself into the library.

“Uh Twilight? You forgot your sandwich”

Twilight exploded in rage internally but maneged to keep her composure.

“Ok. What?” Twilight said

“Last night I uh...did something bad.”

“How bad?” Twilight deadpanned

“I kinda told Dagmire that he wasn’t one of us and sorta took off his mask.”

Twilight remained stone faced.

“And also I found out that it was a prosthetic?” Rainbow nervously laughed

It suddenly clicked in twilight’s head what exactly what rainbow had done.

“Are you COMPLETELY INSANE?!” Twilight screamed

“N-No that w-would be me.” Dagmire said from the chair behind them.

Twilight and rainbow stiffened. They hadn’t even heard him enter Rainbow went wide eyed and twilight slowly turned around. And then she saw it. His face was strangely pony-like but at the same time very different as it had very little fur. He had a small bit of facial hair and an unremarkable lower half of his face. Everything above the nose that seemed to protrude from his short muzzle was brutally torn and many chunks of his forehead was a simple fleshy red as if some maniac attempted to melt his head with a blast of scalding steam. The scalp seemed to escape the brutality and as a result his short mane was able to eventually grow to a size where he can hide his face. Without the mask to distract from his eyes, Twilight took note that his left eye was a milky white as if to signify that it was useless.

Twilight had never seen something so scarred in her entire life.

“Yep. I-it’s me.” Dagmire stammered out

“What happened to you?” Twilight asked in horror

“Somehow I maneged to survive a small dip in a pool of lava. Ironically it was the curse that saved me. I got lucky and the lava turned into love”

“Love?” Twilight asked baffled

“Yes. Love. It still sounds silly. Imagine the evil dark lords face when his moat of lava suddenly turned pink. Next thing you know I’m right behind him showing him the underside of his right leg and his court wizard offers to fix my face in exchange for his life. He whiffed the spell and took out my eye. All he could save was my hair...” Dagmire said with his confidence growing with each word

“...what happened to him?”

“Oh I let him go because everybody wanted to kill him. He had a wife so I said no, he is fine. He settled down and became a baker or something”

“So? Curse?”

“Ah the curse of chaos as I like to call it. To this day I am hunting the basterd who did it.”

Dagmire sighed and sat back down on the chair...before his eyes flashed blinding twilight and rainbow

“DAMM IT!”

To twilight’s surprise the chair that Dagmire was sitting on had inverted colours and was made of rubber

It was at this time that spike woke up and decided to ask questions

“Are you two done yammering on yet? I go-!”
And then spike saw Dagmire for the first time

“BLAST IT TWILIGHT!”

Dagmire frowned at the baby dragons response

“(Sigh) if you need me I’ll be at the bar.”

“But Ponyville doesn’t have a bar.”

“Well it does now”

Dagmire walked up to the door and began focusing on returning home...until pinkie happened. The large crowd outside waiting for twilight cheered...then went silent as the looked upon Dagmire’s face. Some recoiled and others cringed. Dagmire put back on his mask and walked away without a word.

“...freak” one of the ponys in the crowd said before Dagmire’s eyes flashed and the pony was yeeted into a grand piano playing ragtime music at triple speed.

A few hours passed since the mane seven (good for you Clearance!) had gathered up and solved the issue of the tickets...without Dagmire.

An hour passed without Dagmire. Then a day passed. Clearance searched day and night for his friend but nobody had seen him. He was just gone.

Clearance alongside the other six solved problems as time went on. Eventually the pony that had been thrown through a grand piano had warranted an assault charge on Dagmire and had gaurds track him down to be thrown into the dungeon.

Around winter time he was found a few towns over living with a strange pitch black unicorn. As he wasn’t an element of harmony he received no special pardon for his “crimes”.

In the dungeon Dagmire was forbidden to wear anything unnecessary. So naturally he was left only with his mask and pants (which the court would discover is magically bonded to Dagmire)... until a guard broke the prosthetic. Now a ticking time-bomb, Dagmire needed to escape somehow.

And then suddenly praying on Dagmire’s weakness and fear the demon escaped his head.

”you are weak fool”

“And you’re the bottom bitch in this prison.”

Dagmire knowing a small bit of magic himself cast psychic blade to combat the demon. With his weapon ready and the gaurds on their way, the jester twitched and swung at the demon. The demon caught the blade in his claws and seized Dagmire’s neck before hoisting him up while choking him

Dagmire smiled as he was in position

”why are you smiling fool?”

Dagmire couldn’t respond the psychic blade faded and the demon used both claws to choke Dagmire...

Leaving his nether regions unprotected.

Dagmire summoned the blade and succeeded in turning the penIS into a penWAS almost instantaneously

the demon looked at Dagmire in horror and pain as he started to tremble.

“You should have trusted that I make good on my promises” Dagmire said as he summoned the other blade into the demon’s throat

“Bitch”

The body hit the floor and the gaurds arrived just in time to see Dagmire walk away from the body

“WHERE THE FUCK WERE ALL OF YOU WHEN I NEEDED YOU!”

“Stand down prisoner and drop the weapon!” The gaurds spat out.

“You know what?”

Dagmire’s eyes flashed and the prison bars turned into baguettes. Dagmire simply punched through the “bars”

“fuck. This”

Dagmire simply threw sand into the gaurds eyes and took her keys.

Dagmire entered the evidence room and gathered his things. The door to the room burst open just in time for the gaurds to see Dagmire flip them off and jump through the glass window. Dagmire and a Pegasus that had dove after him had vanished.

Dagmire reappeared in his bar through the fire escape.

“...Dagmire?” Clearance asked

“Yep! Mask me!”

As Clearance tossed the mask a Pegasus gaurd entered through the window

“HALT PRISONER! YOU CAN ADD ATTEMPTED MURDER OF AN ELEMENT TO YOUR SENTENCE AS WELL-“

The guard was shut up by suddenly being turn into stone by Clearance.

“Ok. So what happened while I was gone?”

Clearance pointed at the group of ponys and the DJ that were starring at the two of them.

“...huh”

The pony from earlier was present as well

“I thought I got rid of you-“

“Silence tiny horse!”

Dagmire punched the pony in the teeth

Comments

[Lakeguy]

9421456
Got it.

[Ziper Ace]

Bruh, dang this is a complete different version of MLP that I’m use too