Twilight

by evening

Chapter 1

“Come on mom and dad! It's Christmas morning!”

The filly’s voice echoed throughout the large house, quickly followed by the sound of hooves running down stairs.

Twilight reached the bottom of the stairs, almost avoiding a collision with the table in front of her. Quickly gaining her footing back, she broke into a dead gallop towards their Christmas tree; closely followed by Shining Armor and her parents.

Prancing on the tips of her hooves as she waited for her parents -who were literally slower than Christmas!- Twilight bore an ecstatic grin on her face as she considered the rectangular, suspiciously book - shaped box that was hidden under their Christmas tree.

Having arrived downstairs, her parents watched, amused, as their daughter picked up the box, very carefully so as not to shake it; and then began unwrapping it in the same manner.

Twilight gasped as she glimpsed the first word on the cover of the book. “Yes!” she exclaimed, and began bouncing around excitedly once she took the last piece of paper off.

“Eeee!” she squealed, “It's ‘The Pony Bride - A Novel by Princess Cadance’ - and it's a signed copy!” She exclaimed once she turned the cover over to look at the title page and saw the Princess’ signature.

Twilight sighed dejectedly as she carefully laid the book down next to her, resolving that she would have to wait to read it until they were done opening the rest of the presents.

Seeing Twilight’s torn expression, Shining Armor smiled and said, “You can go ahead and read your book, you know, Twily.”

“Really?” Twilight gasped, looking to her parents for confirmation.

“Of course you can, Twilight,” her mother said kindly.

“Thank you so much!” The ecstatic young filly clumsily ran up the stairs to read to her ‘audience’.

“…and in the history of kisses, there have been ten which have been rated the most passionate, the most pure; but this was by far the most magical, the most powerful of them all,” Twilight finished, and smiled at all her stuffed animals as she said, “The end. Now, for the note,” Twilight cleared her throat regally and began reading.

“My dearest little princess, I hope you enjoy this book, and know that someday I will find a way to see you again. I love you so much, my little Twilight.”

The young filly happily hugged the book to her chest. “How many other fillies can say they have two mommies? ‘Cause I do!” she thought gleefully.

Author's Note:

A bit of filler chapter, I suppose. I just love filly Twily!

Comments

[evening]

9394793
Ahhhh! Thank you SO much!! This is the first time I've been willing to share one of my stories with the world, and I'm pretty proud of it.

[Mystic Sunrise]

9394918
Very. Not as bad as Celestia or Luna, or if you're insane and have a messed up mind Cadance. Those are usually the ones to get the role if Twilight is addpted.

Granted, there are a few where it is no named character who is her mom, but they're usually dead for some reason and we never meet them.

[evening]

9394936
Eh, well I'm glad it's not the most cliche, at least. I just thought ling Twi would look cool. "Hmmm favorite mlp species + favorite mlp character = awesomeness! :D" Guess not. XD

[SuddenlyFerrets]

I shouldn't worry too much if your setup has been used before. A concept is nothing without implementation, and so far your writing has been decent enough that some folks will want to see where you're going with it.

Sure, some people will be put off by an 'overused trope'. Sometimes you'll see people downvoting without even reading because of it. On the other hand some will be attracted by an AU premise that is always interesting to them (Any I'll admit to being such a person myself).

[evening]

9395654
Okay, thank you so much!!! I considered completely changing the storyline to where -or I guess technically making a new story almost- where she starts having nightmares and stuff and hearing whispers (she's slowly ascending into an alicorn and dark forces are trying to corrupt her), and it kind of starts driving her insane and then of course in the end she's not insane anymore, one way or another. But that's probably just another trope. I'm honestly feeling more inspired for that one than this one right now, the whole overused trope thing kind of brought me down, and I wasn't even planning to finish Twilight in the first place.

Anyway, what would you say that I can improve about my writing? I'm always looking to improve!

[SuddenlyFerrets]

9395683
Fair enough. Best that you yourself are happy with what you're writing. Goodness knows I have enough of my own half written things as inspiration comes and goes. I admire the courage it takes to publish something.

Hm, I don't know that I'm a great person to be asking, but I'll try...

The things that stuck out to me. Firstly the setup to ensure Velvet was present to receive Twilight seemed a little contrived - she was apparently content enough to doze off outside at night while her child was playing, yet paranoid enough to immediately become hostile at the sight of a magical aura. It felt a little contradictory.

Later in the chapter you had a series of discrete sentences which would have worked better as a paragraph. Perhaps you were intending they be stand-alone, but they didn't really have the impact to make it work, if so.

Lastly Velvet's decision to care for Twilight was very 'tell' rather than 'show'. I can believe she might well resolve to take her in quickly and impulsively, but a line or two of her thought processes or a description of her physical reactions to the note would have gone a long way to make the interaction feel less robotic.

That's about all the critical feedback I can think of, to be honest. I loved the characterful details in the second chapter - The descriptions of moods and small actions, Twilight's exasperation at her parents and so forth.

[evening]

9395722
Hmm that's true. I hadn't thought about the contradictory nature of it.

I'll check out those sentences. I think I know which ones you're talking about and I'll fix it. I was really confused by the format change and couldn't honestly tell where the paragraph breaks were so I just spammed the return button. XD

I see what you're saying. I'll try to make it more showy. I've always had a problem with making everything really flowery and descriptive to the point where you leave before you've even gotten through the first paragraph, so I've been really trying to tone down the showing. Apparently it worked a bit too well. XD

Thank you so much!! I had a lot of fun writing her. And thank you for the feedback! It really does help!!

[TwilightXLuna]

Great start to a good story. Can't wait for the next chapter. Keep up the great work.

[evening]

9396933
Thank you so much!!! And thank you for the follow!

[evening]

9395722
Okay, I think I fixed all of them except for that first one. Thank you so much!!!

[Christopher Jones]

Nice chapter here love twily opening her present makes me want to know where this is going

[evening]

9401046
Thank you so much for the kind words! It means a lot!!

[Arena]

Pretty sure no one cares about this trash, but I just thought I’d say anyway. I’m very sorry that I suddenly left -I lost access to my old account and life, you know, sucks. I have the next chapter of this written but am not currently planning on continuing it. I’m very sorry about the sudden absence , and not continuing this story. I might post some others on this new account but that is very iffy. Once again, I’m very sorry if anyone was waiting for an update, or tried to contact me.

[Arena]

9396933

9401046

9395722

Just in case any of you were wondering. And at the risk of sounding redundant, I’m very sorry.