Jakkid166 Presents
The holiday of the year
The Detective Jakkid166 Christmas Special
"HellOOOOO MORNING!" I shoute as I jump out of bed. "Its time to begin a new DAY!" And so I begun my musical christmas song of holingday cheer.
I grabbed my fridge opener and opened my fridge and said "And so today is christmas day again this year. And today im gonna spread some christmas cheer" and I grabbed the cereal and milk out of there for break fast.
I pourned my corn flakes onto my plate and dipped the corn plate into my milk and ate it and I was ready full for the day. I grabbed my detective things and went ouside to begin the most day of the YEAR!
As I walked out into the snow I continue singing "Its cristmas day in Ponyville. And on this day the ponies will gimme lotsa presents for detectiving."
I walked by the market and there was lots of ponies buying stuff and being happy. "Its the day to be getting lotsa toys exept Im an adult and I dont want toys I want expensive stuff like games and beer."
"Hi detective jakkid166!" The Ponies said as I walked by on that day.
"Hello ponies," I said to them and they were all really gay. (The happy kind not the other kind. I am supportive of all life style though.)
But then the song ended because I was reading a sign. I was confused at it, because it said not christmas, but instead it said "It is Hearths Warming Day".
"What the hell heck is hearths warming day?" I said confused. "Today is CHRISTMAS! This is christdiculous." And so I went to Twilights house to ask her what the hell Hearths Warming Day is.
"Well Jakkid" said Twilight "Hearths Warming Day is our pony version of Christmas day."
"What?" I said "I will not celebrate a ripoff Christmas!"
"Thats okay jakkid," said Twilight "You can celerate whatever holiday you want to! Thanks to the second amedment. Of Equestrias Constitution."
"No!" I said and I took out gun and shot Twilight's Hearths Warming Tree. "I will not allow other ponies to do it either?"
"What the fuck? My tree! Its gonna bleed out if I dont take it to a hospital" said Twilight. "Also why the hell you won't allow us to celebrate our holiday?"
"Because!" I said. "Christmas is the real holiday because its where we celebrate the birth and resurection of our lord and savior, Santa Claus."
"Yeah well what we celebrate on Hearths Warming day is better!" said Twilight. "I dont remember what it is though. But every Hearths Warming is when Celestia Claus comes to deliver presents to our houses."
"Too bad," I said. "If you ponies dont celebrate Christmas instead, I will arrest you all!"
"What?!" said Twilight. "But what law would we breaking?"
"Who cares" I said. "You dont need to break the law to be arrested. Havent you ever been to America?"
"Yeah," said Twilight "But thats irrelevant! This our holiday, you cannot erase it!"
"Yeah I can," I said and I took out a peece of paper and wrote "Hearths Warming Day" on it and erased it.
"You son of a bitch!" said Twilight and she tackled me and we rolled around and we foguth and punched each other. Twilight was gonna use her magic to beat me but she forgot to.
Suddenly Rainbow showed up at the window and said "Hey Twilight why are you and jakkid making out?"
"What the fuck?" I said "We are not doing that! We are fighting because I am gonna destroy Hearths Warming Day."
"What you cant do that!" said Rainbow and she flew in to the window and started fighting me too.
And then Applejack was at the window and said "Hey portner, what the heck are you doin?"
"Come help us beat up Jakkid," said Rainbow.
"Alrighty" said Applejack and she did that.
This kept goin on a whole bunch of times until eventually the whole town was fighting me
"STOP!" i finally said and held out my gun. "I am arrest all of you right now!" I said. "Everyone get in line to get handcuffed."
so I put hand cuffs on every single pony in town. (I actually dident have enough for all of them so I had to make new handcuffs outta stuff like chains and ropes and tissues. After like 4 hours everyone was cuffed, so I took them to the polece station but I couldnt fit them all in the cells. So I put the rest of them under house arrest, but in Twilights house.
"Come on door shut!" I said cause I was trying to squeeze the door shut to Twilights house which wa filled to the brim with ponies. Finally I shut it and clapped my hands. "Finally, I have serve justice!"
"But jakkid!" said one of the ponies who was at the window. "You is forgetting the spirit of Christmas!"
"Oh shit youre right." I said and I open my pocket and took out a bottle of spirit and drank it. "Thanks for reminding me." and I went back home.
"Time to relax," I said as I sat down in me recliner in my detective house. I turned on the TV and put on the album "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stadrust and the Spiders from mars" and leane back listening to it.
I slowly drift off into the land of the sleep....
"Detective JAKKID166....."
"WAH!" i screamed awake. "Who is there?!" I took out my gun and shot every direction in a 360 degree. I heard crashing and screaming ouside though so I quickly put me gun away.
"Detective jakkid cease your madness!" the voice said. I looked behind my chair and I was shocke at what I see.
It was the ghost... of David Bowie!
"Holy shit!" I said "David bowie what are you doing here? I listen to you music all the time!"
"Yes but thats not important right now," said David Bowie. "Detective jakkid I am here to show you what happen if you dont let the ponies celebrate their holiday."
"Hey can you sing Life on Mars? I love that song"
"NO!" he said. "I am not here for that you idiot! Come ON!" and he grabbed me arm and threw me out the window. "AAAAAAGH" I screamed while I was falling until I realized we was on the first story of my house insteadof the second or third or fourth. I got up and brush myself off "David why did you do that? I got dirt allover my $50 suit."
"Come on," he said. He grab my hand and we flew off into the darkness of night. We flew over the streets of ponyville and I said "Hey everything looks normal here. WHere the hell are we going?"
"Into the FUTURE!" he said and he snapp his fingers. Suddenly everything changed into being the same.
"Wooooah," I said. "Hey wait theres a big christmas tree in the middle of town whats that for?"
"Well you see," said Bowie "In this future version of Ponyville, all the ponies banished you from town so they cold celebrate their holiday."
"That is so fuck of them!" I said. "But where am I then"
Bowie pointed outside of town where my house was moved to. We look at the balcony on the 4th floor and saw I was on there watching the ponies celebrate Hearths Warming while I was alone.
"Bah humbug," said future-me. "All the ponies down in Ponyville suck dick! Im gonna drink some water real quick." so future me grabbed some water and drank it. "Stupid ponies singing their songs. They dont know their rights from wrongs."
"What the fuck this is terrible!" I said. "Im speaking rhymes!"
"Yes," said bowie. "You see, after the ponies kicked you out, you started speaking in rhymes cause of the same reason that Zecora always speaks in rhymes. A maligant brain tumor."
"Shit!" I said. "And I cant get healthcare from Ponyville cause im banned!"
"Thats right," said Bowie.
"Wait a minute" I said. "How do I know you are really david bowie? And not just Twilight or some pony trying to trick me?"
"Because I'm a ghost, and Twilight is not dead."
"That makes sense," I said. "But fuck! It sifn ethen! If the ponies dont want me they dont need me. They probably better off without me anyway."
"Okay," said Bowie "Then let me show you what Ponyville is like without you." and he snap his fingers and saw a vision of a poynville that was covered in flames and criminals was running everywhere.
"Shit!" I said. "Theres criminals everywhere!"
"No there isnt," said Bowie. "This is just Ponyvilles annual "run around and steal and burn things" day."
"Then whats different without me?"
"Nothing. My POINT IS, ponyville is NOT better off without you! Its not really worse either, but still not better!"
"Then who cares" I said.
"Except one thing!" said bowie and he went into Twilights house. She was sitting there with the rest of the element friends.
"Hey guys it kinda sucks that Detective jakkid166 doesnt exist," said Twilight.
"Yeah," said Rainbow. "It sucks that he never came here and we never met him or found out about him. Now we will never know about Detective jakkid166. If we did know about him he would probably be a good friend though."
"Wow," I said. "They think I am a good friend?"
"Yes," said bowie. "The ponies of ville respect you for you detective skills. You are going to throw that away because of a holiday?"
"Hmm," I said. "Yeah."
"WHAT?" said Bowie and he got angry. "Jakkid ar you serious? This journey was suposed to convince you to be tolerance of ponies ideas!"
"Yeah so what?" I said. "Im not wrong."
"AAAAGH!" said Bowie "Never mind! Forget it! Detective jakkid, you are Detective JACKASS!" and he disappeared and I woke up back in my home.
"Woah," I said "That was a strange dream." I put my hand to my face. "Hmm, now I am awake in middle of the night. What should I do to stop the Hearth's Warming?"
And then I got a IDEA!
TO BE CONTINUED)
Congrats! You get a like.
This was great
Ponies are the best at friends
Glorious.
Detective Jakkid166 best pony who isn't really a pony.
Darn it! I wasn't ready for Christmas in April. Now I'm going to have to buy ghost David Bowie a stack of mismatching plates at the thrift store next door, and gift wrap it with the local weekly newspaper, and pretend I spent weeks thinking of the perfect present when I hand it to him and wish him happy holidays. Then dodge all the green Starbucks cups being thrown at me by the Christmas soldiers upset at what I said, and not shoot back because of the spirit of Christmas.
You are really ruining my week, you know that.
Fuck, I completely forgot to buy ham!
It’s April.
9572165 Christmas is in April.
I hope Jakkid and Zecora get some good healthcare for Christmas
I hate holidays.
Nigga it's April, what the fuck?
9572200
You know what, I thought your comment was just pure random absurdity before I read the chapter, but now I’m INVESTED in this question!
Can jakkid166 solve the parabola?
Will David Bowie fistfight Zecora’s brain tumor?!
Won’ Somepony Think Of The Childhood?!?!?!
This reminded me to sort out my Christmas shopping.
I was having a horrible Christmas.
Then Jakkid166 told me the meaning of Christmas.
I'm still having a horrible Christmas, but now I have a small bit of pointless information to hold on to. Thanks, Jakkid166!
I'm never sure if I should downvote detective Jakkid166 for being awful, or upvote Detective jakkid166 for being awful.
Shots fired.
Downvoted.
Tempted to delete for racism.
Oh yes! A two-parter Christmas special!
bless you
When you cannot possibly sum up a story better than the author already did.
Fuckin' served by David Bowie, you have fallen far, Detective Jakkid166.
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