Little Moongazer was a normal filly, living out her days laughing smiling and playing. but one day, the filly finds out a seret that will change everything. but she knows she cant tell anypony. she cant even absorb it herself. will she be able to keep the secret?
Page generated in 0.091 seconds
Total duration
988 users online
310,030 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
two more chapters being published now!
"youre just never happy these days, are you?" and "flight school" are now up!
(and im going to start posting links at the end of each chapter for a picture that goes with the chapter)
This is a very touching story. And personally I haven't encountered any fics featuring a Pegasus pony who didn't realize she wasn't an earth pony. I will definitely track this story as it has potential.
Now I fear I need to point out a few minor errors, but don't worry I will do so in a constructive manner. I hope I don't come off too harsh. All I wish to do is help you. Besides, I see you are fairly new to FIMfiction.
Okay, first off, whenever someone speaks in a story, it's best to put each person's dialogue in a new paragraph. For example (I'm going to use characters from this story):
Moongazer walked down stairs to the smell of breakfast. She saw her parents seated at the table. "Good morning mom, good morning dad!" she called to them.
Her mother looked up from her cup of tea and smiled. "Hello dear. Would you like some breakfast?" she asked.
"Yes please," replied Moongazer.
Other than some minor spelling and grammar errors, the only other thing I wish to point out is that it's best to post chapters that are at least 1,000 words in length. Personally I don't see a problem with your short chapters. But some readers might think the short length rushes things a little.
Despite these minor issues, you are doing quite well. I am looking forward to reading the remaining chapters, once I get home from work tomorrow! You have a very nice story in the works. I am already wondering what's going to happen to Moongazer, and if she will ever return to her parents and tell them her little secret.
1030833
I like the idea of links to the pictures. I always enjoy visual aids!
And now that I have read all 7 chapters, I must say you really should increase the length of the chapters. The last one in particular felt a bit rushed. If you would be interested in a pre-reader or even just some helpful tips, feel free to send me a Private Message. You have potential as a writer and I am still enjoying your story. Overall it could use a little more detail in certain places, and there are some errors I noticed. For instance Canterlot and Cloudsdale are both proper nouns and should be capitalized. I enjoy encouraging fellow writers, and hope you will keep my advice in mind.
chapter 1 now has pictures!
1037716
your comment made me smile.
and ill definitaly try to work out the errors you pointed out. i forgot to run a few of the chapters through grammer checker.
1138304
It's how I got started on here too! And I am looking forward to more of your story. Oh and if you should ever want any advice on writing, just give me a yell. I have a bit of knack for writing. It's one of my true passions in life! 
I'm glad it made you smile! I hope you won't be a stranger on here. If anything else you have one fan right now!
I liked the addition of the pictures! But when are you going to add more chapters?