Tales from the Seas

Fluttershy Adventure Stories106 stories ·21 members

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The ocean is vast and only the toughest and most cunning will survive. Will Fluttershy come out on top and rule the seas? Find out in another Tales from the Seaaaaaaaaass

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tryingmybest1111

tryingmybest1111 #1 · Oct 6th, 2018 · · ·

I didn't read this entire fic, but from the first paragraph, I had a minor gripe.

>Moonlight was their only guide

Who...who's 'their' referring to? Of course you establish that context later on, but it's confusing for a reader who doesn't have the context of the scene yet.

>Pinkie shouted with a pirate accent as she began loading the cannons again.

So you just established from the previous dialogue that she was speaking in a pirate accent. You don't need to clarify this again to the reader, we already got that information and it makes your prose clunky.

Also the tone is just all over the place. You have these scenes of brutal violence where characters cough up blood and break bones, but it ends on a tonally bizarre note with the whole pizza thing. I feel like you wanted this to be a little more whimsical and comical than it ended up being, but the violent action scenes prevent it from being that. Maybe that was an intentional choice and there's something I'm not getting, but the intended tone of this work perplexed me.

Anyways, not going to go through this entire fic, but that's a small selection of some things you need to fix. On the positive side, you're not bad at writing imagery at all, so that's one of your strengths.

Dashie04

Dashie04 #2 · Oct 6th, 2018 · · ·

I missed some things...

Sorry, honestly.

((I edited this, I thought the story was pretty cool.))

MysticBooka

MysticBooka #3 · Oct 6th, 2018 · · ·

9213320
Yeah, that makes sense. I went ahead and made those 2 small changes. Was a fairly simple fix actually. As for that ending, that was deliberate. I wrote the story to make it seem like it was all real, but then, sudden twist ending, it was all just imagination and a game. Plus, this allows me to, if I so desired, come back to this title and add more chapters. Especially if each chapter is it's own independent story, that way if a character dies in one story, they can make a come back in the next if I need them for that particular story.

Maybe the problem you're having has more to do with you being unsatisfied in the ending? Like, I set it all up as a real adventure and spent over 2,700 words just to suddenly cut the tension short and say "It'sa dweam guys, lolz," I could see that being aggravating