NagaShark
Joined 20th Nov, 2013 ·
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Rewrite your description, it reeks of amateurish begging for attention and tells me nothing about the plot of your tale. Literally nothing here attracts me to want to devote any time to reading what you've written.
And change your title. The whole thing reeks of amateurish Edgelord attempts at making something dark.
Jesus, kid. Listen to something besides Linkin Park and MCR, yeah?
9132154
What he said.
Your description should give the reader insight into your story. Who does what when, why, and for what? What are the fetishes involved? Look at high rated stories. See what they do. Learn.
This isn’t really a grim dark, it’s more of a rapy dark book.
I am guessing you are a South American and are not a native speaker. The writing was a bit dull in your writing style going into descriptions at the first haft but was bearable for the rape stuff, and I can expect that you will improve next time. What really hurt the story was that you flipped the power dynamic in having the rapist trying to bring the unicorn's parents back just for sulking, which I don't get why it you even matter to him sense he did ripped his horn off before, which just ruins all the buildup to it in going into a huge info dump that came out of nowhere and the good ending just didn't make sense at that point. Story pal, this just won't cut it for me, I hope you will try to do better again in your next writing, I would suggest you think more in depth on the character motivations next time.
Not a terrible first try! A bit er...unconventional in its themes, and the delivery could use some work. But you obviously tried very hard and I am sure next time you will do even better!