Tell Me A Lie

oijsdfgwegw #1 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · ·

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Denu8thell

Denu8thell #2 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · ·

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1009894 :/ NO

Anyways, Your story is all right, but there is too much dialogue and not enough action or description. At least, that's how I feel about it. For instance, how did her aunt's castle look?

Also, formatting is a bit off on this story. Each new person speaking, a new paragraph. You have it down MOST of the time, but sometimes I see two people talking on the same line! Also, make sure your indenting. a paragraph should look kinda like this:

I AM GOING TO SPAM TO SHOW THIS ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF
^
| See that little space to the left of the first line? It's important, believe it or not! Use the 'tab' key each time you use a new paragraph, but NOT for each line.

Also, remember to use commas! They are useful when you want to show that a character is pausing in their speech, but they have not finished their thought yet!

VDtheBrony

VDtheBrony #3 · Aug 1st, 2012 · · ·

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Ok, there are a few major problems with this fic. The first and most obvious is the dialogue dominating the story. I had a problem like that in middle school during sixth grade, and my creative writing sucked (thankfully that was before I wrote MLP, as I'm in high school now), but if you read a lot and practice your story fluency will get much better and more acclaimed as a good read. It will also add to your word count dramatically, and people like longer stories.
When writing a story, write stuff like:
"Daddy, can I go into town, just for a bit? I want to meet regular ponies, not all these snobby princes that mom keeps showing up with." She gave him a pleading look and her newly aquired puppy barked playfully. "I could meet up with aunt Twily and say hi, I'm sure that she'd love it.
Shining Armor gave a small smile at the sound of her sister's name and patted Bella on the back. "Of course you can. Make sure you come back before dark tough. I don't want to have to send a guard for you." He scooted her towards the door and let her walk down the stairs. A moment passed and Cadence walked in.
"You spoil her too much, you know that?" She looked down the hall where their daughter ran off.
"Yes, I know, but she deserves a bit of a break. Besides, she doesn't like any of the princes you've shown her, so maybe she should look on her own."
"But what if she finds a pony that's terrible. She might find a crook, or a delinquent, or somepony else that could make her miserable." tears formed in her eyes as she thought of the things that could happen to her daughter.
"Relax, it's only Ponyville, what could possibly happen?"
Meanwhile...
The train stopped at Ponyville...

...And so on. With even a little bit of details outside of dialogue there is plenty more to read, and it builds to the story a lot. You should split scenes so that they don't have just dialogue, but dialogue is still needed in almost any story.
In the first chapters, you also need to add character development. This will be relevant whenever you introduce a new character into the story. Characters can be built out of dialogue, but if they say the wrong thing even once Then he/she will look like a horrible idiot. Detail how they walk, maybe they'll walk a little flirty, or down and slow like they're lazy, but without the details they will look horribly boring and the reader will hate it (yes, writing is complicated isn't it?). With the characterization of your OC, bella, all we could discern was she was a stubborn brat, and Cadence was a stuck up jerk of a mom; in my alteration of this Cadence actually a caring, decent mother, which is what she should be. The characters may already have development from the show, so build on those characterizations.
Also make sure to check your grammar. Its already been said, but each change in dialogue needs a new paragragh.

This is all I can say right now. I will give this a thumbs down now, but I will watch this and if it gets better I will change that down to an up. Good luck and happy writing!

Edit: also, Pinkie is not a horse, she is a Pony. In Equestria those are two entirely different things.
And if this is a troll fic it is a very poor one.

dance_chick_3

dance_chick_3 #4 · Aug 2nd, 2012 · · ·

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Not to be mean or anything, but the story is all over the place. How did she get to ponyville so fast? and USE SOME COMMAS! no offense, but yeah.

rainbowdashxsoarin

rainbowdashxsoarin #5 · Aug 2nd, 2012 · · ·

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I know it sucks but im just going into sixth and I used the stuff that other people do so dont hate!

Brony of Truth

Brony of Truth #6 · Aug 4th, 2012 · · ·

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I gave your story a chance because I love your account name
But I do have the same criticism as everyone else to much dialogue and the story is all over the place, it just isn't flowing, but don't give up. Read a couple of books and see how a story should progress you'll get it eventually, I know you will!

VDtheBrony

VDtheBrony #7 · Aug 4th, 2012 · · ·

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1019127 only sixth, well, you had a decent story idea and all, but if you read my last comment it gives a few decent suggestions. I'm only starting high school, but I've had a few years to practice my creative writing. If you want to see my story you could always check my page, or search Shadows and Stars (views are always nice) and reading different stories are always good.

insightguy