Twilight Sparkle receives a letter of a criminal coming to Ponyville. What will happen when they meet? How can Twilight Sparkle facing a pony as fierce as one raised in Braying Cliffs, the fabled village that harbors animosity among all ponies.
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Interesting. You may want to consider changing Flurryshine's rant to have more emotional overtones instead of ending almost all the sentences with a period.
See PM
Another thing you may want to look at is the speed at which Twilight gets confrontational. Maybe she would say I was told you stole something, is it true? I mean she has just been told that Flurryshine is the friend of these people and the only thing that she has to go off is a letter. I dunno something seems slightly off kilter. Still an entertaining read and well worth my track.
a female lead character that's OC that isn't a fallout fic?!?!? FINALLY.....though ya know....just don't make her les-nevermind I'll start reading....
56908
Thanks, for the feedback. Its been a long while since I sat and wrote a good long story in awhile. Using our pony friends as characters is completely new. I'll try to adapt better to Twilight's true personality in later chapters. I also apologize for Flurryshine ranting to not play up to full expectancy. A well, working on chapter two as I type. I'll keep what you said in mind. I will definitely need to for this next installment.
1. Applejack saying hombre is not in her blood, she's a southern (belle) not a Latina
2. You don't subvert the skill of the CAPTAIN of Celestia's royal guard. To have him taken out so easily? I could have seen if like one the rookies but the Captain? AW HELL NAH! I CANT STAND FOR THAT! I DEMAND JUSTICE!!! or a rewrite of that part cause seriously...CAPTAIN OF THE FREAKING ROYAL GUARD! think about that cause you like NERFED THE MANURE OUT OF HIM.
3. (more of a question) An alicorn, I can stand that but I'm just wondering if you're going to do a "power trip" with her?
Other than that I would like to read more of this.
Hm, I see your concern. I was wondering about the hombre thing myself. I was debating if it was too old west cowboy or not. I will change that up a bit. The captain thing, I see what you mean. I'll revise that too. It might be interesting to make a nice little battle scene. I meant for it to be a shock and awe attack. Not to worry, Flurryshine has only one power. Its a strong one, but she is significantly weaker than the princesses. Right, time to look over chapter two and get on those revisions. Thank you for the feedback. I am grateful someone is helping stay in check with the characters. It helps me grow as a writer and create the best story I can.
58940
can't wait for chapter 3
how is Flurryshine's Father a "pyro kinetic" when he's a Pegasus?
and just one mispelling -"ahead as they* talked and laughed"
Yeah, I made up Diablo before I decided to publish a story including him. I finally decided on the reasoning that pyrokenisis is a mental ability. Thus, I elected to keep him a pegasus with a rare mental ability to control fire. *Spoiler Alert: Its because he is part of a boss battle later on*
Diablo...pyro kenisis...all he needs now is jet black eyes where black tentacles of pure rage straight from the lake of fire, cinder & brimstone that constantly spew from his mouth, and upside down wings and we got ourselves a pure demon spawn straight from the bowls of A-pony-llyon's (pony devils name I made a while back) stomach where he made him from flesh and worldly desires.
...woah...
L..O..L...No, Diablo isn't that bad. His original name was gonna be Diabalous, after the word for Diablo in the E Nomine song Lucifer. ...I am not helping my case...
Oh well, he isn't that bad most of the time. What you described is just...terrifyingly vicious. I would run in fear of that pony.
diabolo would have been cool.
so he's gonna be that nuetral boss? Alright can't wait that!
why am I going to feature that hell spawn in my story now lul? no nevermind
why was Flurryshine's father experimented on? And who's Thorne exactly?
Its a bit of a secret. To make it simple without giving it away. The pegasi were always the main tormentors of Flurryshine when she lived in Braying Cliffs. Its because their views have been almost completely warped over the generations. This causes them to be almost villainous in their attempts to fraught Flurryshine's rebellion attempts. Which is why they would resort to turning one of their on into a monster bent on destroying her. Using her father was Thorn's own sick joke on the plan. Oh dear, I almost explained everything.
In short, the pegasi of Braying Cliffs are bucked up in the head, and Thorn is a sadistic...well, insert curse word of choice here.
fuck...
lul didn't give much away.
more please
good, but try not using the word "Bam" lulz
Flurryshine x Bright Leaf
good story, loved it!
LOL! That made my day! back to writing a short spin off based off the epilogue.
69899
better have more Flurryshine x Bright Leaf
processing as we speak and already writing chapter 2. The story picture isn't my best work, but its cute. Along with it being my first time drawing Bright leaf and its CUTE!
Liking this so far.