KaiTheDemon
Joined 19th Jun, 2012 ·
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IMHO, Kai sounds more like the girl's name. Nice story though.
I actually found this highly amusing, do Kai and Jazz know about this story yet?
Seeing how, I wrote the story, yes. XD (I am Kai!)
So romantic.
Well, I wont thumbs down this, but I feel that you have a lot of areas you could improve.
First, The tub bit is unnessisary since it would be more comfortable to just rut there on the couch, or even in the kitchen. Showers take a bit of work, but are nice. wheras the bubble bath location tends to be uncomfortable, awkward, and all-round not worth the effort.
there is quite a bit of build up, with little bang to this clop story. Not quite "and then sex" so, I didn't downvote it, but the entire story is as awkward as the final location.
and finally, the male in the story. from the way it's written, I get the distinct sense that the male is less than favorably endowed. as naked ponies, his excitement should be easier to observe than his female counterpart. It is, from this observation, not wholy due to her being moist that he is easily able to slide it in, or that his frantic thrusting brings him to almost withdraw.
I could go on but, hey, that's just my opinion on it.
I fully appreciate criticism. I'm still new to writing FanFiction and this clopfic was something I actually never thought I'd do. I'm going to keep writing and try my best to improve. But thank you for your opinion. It helps.
I think it was a bit too graphic, but good.
Damn! Why can't this happen to me IRL?!
966907
I actually know a guy named Kai. He's kind of a douche and has flirted with every single girl at school.
967368
Kai, you (adjective), you! Hope the lady friend this is dedicated to (if any) finds it lovely and then makes out with you, cuz happy endings are REAL!
976897
There are clops that are even more explicit than this, so be warned while browsing.
So CEWT!!!
This would be better with illustrations. At the very least full-body pictures of the characters involved.