This is the story of three brothers, who on a seemingly peaceful summer day, were magically transported to Equestria through their xbox. With no idea of how they arrived or why, they began to explore their new universe, making friends with various ponies in different locations. Unfortunately, dark times are upon Equestria, as a huge civil war breaks out, forcing the brothers to become enemies. Can the war, and ultimately, the end of Equestria, be prevented by the special bond that exists among brothers?
Chapters (3)
vat
Your first like my friend.
Not as good as some I have read but I am not hating yet. I want to see where this goes.
1516306
Thanks dude! Just keep in mind that all three of us are working on it together, so the writing styles will be different. And it's our first story, so we're still learning.
Confused,
A cliffhanger,
Weirded-out reader,
I say you are doing a great job.
Although a bit random and quick for a lot of people. A party invite, then they wake up from a day that never happened? The buck?
I am going to like the story because I believe you have a shot. Although you should really not go so quickly.
1516332
Noted. the prologue is quick because we want to get right to it. The story will slow down to make room for silliness. There will be A LOT of silliness.
1516347
So the 3 characters in the show are you and your 2 real life friends writing it? That is great collaboration!
Anyway, I am glad to hear it. I will be awaiting the next chapter.
Well that sucks, someone disliked. Oh well, haters gonna hate
1516418
The three characters are actually me and my two younger brothers.
Meh, haters gonna hate. Whatever. Glad you enjoyed it! More to come!
Alrighty. This is a quick review but it'll have to do:
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Never use General Zoi's Pony Creator in your image. For some people, this is an instant dislike.
Try to avoid self-inserts completely. It's far too easy for them to turn into wish-fulfilment stories or waifu-fictions. There's no romance tag yet, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hopefully. There's also a high chance that you end up filling the story with inside jokes, which is exactly what this story does. There's not an awful lot for people who aren't part of your little group (i.e. me) to find funny/engaging.
Never use yellow text. It's really hard to read, see?
There are an awful lot of author comments too. Like "That's a volume of 134,560 blocks. It's huge" or kinda lame jokes like "...aaand physics." These serve very little purpose in the story. Breaking reader immersion is a huge no-no, so this kind of behaviour is generally discouraged. If you want your audience to laugh, make something happen in the story. The audience will decide if it's funny or not. Don't point at a joke and go "Hey look! A video game reference! Isn't that funny? That's so cool!"
Storywise, there are problems. For a start, I have no clue what any of the brothers look like.
At all.
Who's the eldest/youngest? Are they tall? Are they blonde, bald, what? For that matter, how old are they? I can't find any mention of it.
Based on your lack of description, I can only assume the three are identical 5 foot tall 16 year olds with flowing beards that wear pink frilly aprons to school.
The rest of the story's pretty generic so far. What you've added in seems to be fairly trivial. Like that they play Minecraft Xbox edition.
That's nice, I guess. How does that affect the story, exactly?
On the technical side of things, you appear competent, at least.
Spelling slip-ups are pretty few and far-between.
Grammar isn't perfect, but it's good enough to pass by.
But there's a distinct lack of pacing. In just over 2,000 words, precisely two things have happened.
1) They got transported to Equestria
2) You made a Trollestia/Bananas joke.
Which totally have not been done to death since over a year ago. Nuh-uh. Nope. No way.
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Either make more things happen in the same space (and I mean engaging things. Not discussing the state of the Mozzerella rolls or something), or cut out the fat and bring it down to the 1,000 odd word-count it usually takes people to do something like this.
What's particularly impressive is that you take that many words saying they've gone to Equestria, without actually saying how they get to Equestria.
Bleh.
I feel I may come across as a bit harsher than I mean to, but all of my points are valid, as far as I can see.
As to where you should go from here, I'd recommend attempting a different kind of story before updating this one.
OC self-inserts rarely sit well with the Brony fandom at large.
Try writing about some amusing antics that Rarity gets up to when Fluttershy cancels their spar date because of a sick animal or something.
Then, if you feel the need to continue this story, you'd at least have some more experience to help you along the way.
Best of luck, moustachioed midgets.
~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
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You had my attention at Xbox
1516467
Okay, to be honest, we've been writing this since July, and there are about 3 chapters that we have stored that have not been published yet. In the next few chapters, we describe ourselves and how we look. The cover photo, (and yes, i know that OCs are not exactly "popular") of our OCs are meant to look more or less like us. However, if you want information now, I am 16, Tony is 13, and Giovanni is 11.
The inside jokes (Minecraft, Luigi can't cook, Tony is...Different, etc.) are our explanations of how we act in the real world. We figured that we would act the same way in Equestria, because even though our location has changed, our personalities remain constant. We spent so much time with these trivial things because they will be referenced later on. We like referencing everything that we like, because that's how we are.
There will be more engaging situations from now on, we just had to lay down the facts first.
As for the yellow text- NEVER AGAIN. We promise.
The whole idea of how we got to Equestria was never really discussed among the three of us, so it looks like we'll have a mystery to solve at some point.
Personally, I don't have any other stories to write as of yet, because of school taking up most of my life. Tony has 1 or two, but they are getting written very slowly. Giovanni on the other hand, since he has the most free time, has a bunch of short stories written, but remember, he's 11, and his writing style is very basic, so the three of us have to read his stories over and edit them together.
It's a good thing we didn't post the whole story yet. We'll be editing now.
Thanks a lot for the review. It means a lot to us that you'd critique us. Our first collaborative story is bound to be full of mistakes. Bear with us!
-Luigi
1516526
Well all right!
1516590
Cheers for taking on-board constructive criticism. That already makes you better than half the authors I've had the... pleasure of talking with. Your appreciation is appreciated.
OCs are perfectly acceptable a lot of the time. Some of the greatest stories in the Fandom are almost exclusively OC based (See FO:E, Near Death Experience, Night Guards, etc). I was objecting to the use of the Flash Pony Creator made by General Zoi on DeviantArt.
So many horrible, horrible authors use that to design their Red and Black Alicorn nonsense that a story with an image from there is instantly loses respect in the eyes of many.
I'm assuming a commissioning some cover-art is out of the question, so I'd recommend changing the cover pic to either a drawing that one of you did or just a general all-purpose image. Like one of Ponyville town square or something.
By all means, act the way you do in real life, but some context would help you out. Perhaps an amusing anecdote about the time one of you spawned a dozen creepers in the top floor of another's house or something. Give an explanation of why Minecraft matters to you, so that way it'll matter more to the readers.
As for the time-thing, I understand. Almost all Bronies have day-jobs, whether that be School, College or actual work.
One philosophy I really believe in with regards to fiction is Quality over Quantity.
I'd much rather wait to read a really good chapter than be bombarded with less than impressive ones.
I rather like the idea of a group of brothers working together to write stories, actually. Sounds like a set-up for a cheesy sitcom or something.
1516716
Dude, I am so used my schoolwork being criticized. I'm glad to have someone tell me how to improve the story.
I totally get the whole "OMG look at my Alicorn OC!" thing. The OCs that we made are not meant to be our imaginations at work. (That would be...interesting though) We'll consider changing the picture once we find something appropriate. Yeah, commissioning is pretty much impossible. We are by no means artists unless you consider stick figures to be art.
FO:E was a great OC story! This story is really more inspired by Through the Eyes of Another Pony though. At least we're trying to be silly like Firewall would have.
Context- will do. You haven't yet seen how stupid the three of us can act.
When we thought of writing this story, the idea of the three of us working together sounded original and pretty interesting. A cheesy sitcom might be just what we're aiming for.
I ask that you continue reading, and critique us along the way. I'd much rather have someone like you doing it than someone hating on us.
-Luigi
1516894
I shall endeavour to do so. Just send me a PM whenever you want me to take a look.
As for stories, I never really got into TtEoAP. Seemed interesting enough, but it failed to hook me in on the first couple of chapters.
If you're ever looking for awesome stories, go check out Visionary, It Takes a Village, The Three Sisters, Night Guards or Allegrezza.. They're probably the my Top 5 on this site. Pretty much must-reads for anyone who plans to stay for a while dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
I like Tony... oh God is he getting shipped with Pinkie?
Can you 1516600 I like Tonny aswell and I like the randomness of the crazy adventures! You only needed to one hand that shit... I really look forward to seeing when Tony meets pinkie... let him defy gravity and laws of physics please...
And>>1516467 can you givethat same analysis for my stories?
1518715
You should definitely follow this story. There will be much more randomness, and much more of Tony's (and Me and G's) shenanigans.
THE NEXT CHAPTER. Just sayin'
One question though... wats up with the heavy Italian names?
1522957
Those are our actual names. We're Italian.
Wait is Luigi the red one or yellow one? Yellow would make sense if we are talking Mario bros. Red would be a lie
1524951
Ah. guess I should clear that up. The three of us are in the cover photo. Luigi is the blue one, Tony is the red one, and Giovanni is the yellow one.
Just a heads up, the next chapter is coming out soon! Tell your friends!
-Luigi
(PS: I'm glad to have such an enthusiastic reader! hope this story is as fun for you to read as it is for us to write!)
I think of it as a great comedy when you throw in hyperactiveness
1528626
Thank you! Hyperactivity is what we do!
Wtf!!! Safety water!!!!
Alrighty, you asked, so you shall receive.
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There are some things you've not explained. At all. Like how they've learnt magic like Amplification Spells already. Or where they got their "bus", and enough explosives to destroy said "bus". Especially since they've been there for nearly no time at all, and are all Under-age.
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Then there's the video. I was worried my views on such issues were uncommon, so I asked the TWE Skype Chat. Here was the result:
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Seems not.
By embedding the video, you've broken immersion for everyone. Not a great move.
Links work, as they're subtle and offer the reader the option of not clicking them. Like this one. The music/whatever's there, but it isn't thrust into their face.
Another option is subtle shoutouts. You actually did this fairly well with "a certain old man advertising for a certain amusement park", but the video kinda ruins it.
You know what I said about Yellow Text last time? Same applies to Cyan. It's too bright to be used on a white background. Best to use darker colours if you feel the need to do this at all. Not sure why you felt the need to colour that sentence actually, but meh. To each their own, I guess.
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Memes and Ponies don't mix well, son.
If you're not sure people are gonna get a reference, you have two options:
1) Carry on. Either people will get it and enjoy it, or they won't. If they're curious, they can look it up themselves, but that's their choice.
2) Don't post the bloody thing.
Reader immersion, yet again. That seems to be a recurring problem here.
Some congratulations are in order, I feel. This is the first time I enjoyed a Valve/3 joke. I honestly wasn't expecting that. History has been made. Well done.
Oh dear.
Try to preserve the 4th-wall as much as possible, yeah?
Most 4th-wall breakages nowadays are poking fun at themselves, having evolved into some odd sub-branch of Meta-Humour. It's an odd situation, to be sure.
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Also, the ending.
It just kinda... happened.
I mean, since when could Tony make portals? Who taught him? Portals to where? Why did G follow him through?
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Curiosity is good. Confusion? Not so much.
Conclusion:
Spelling's decent. Grammar's got a few slip ups, like homophones (usually where). Nothing particularly story-breaking.
Main problem in your writing is, of course, reader immersion/4th-wall stuff/whatever you want to call it.
Maybe it's somewhat more difficult to differentiate when it'd work or not, seeing as it's related to your life somewhat? Seeing as it's a self-insert and all. I dunno, never written one, so I've not really got much of an idea.
A lot of the problems I had with the first story are still present here.
I still haven't seen your OCs described in any meaningful way. I keep on having to scroll through the comments to find out what's happening in a scene, as I don't have a real image of them in my head.
Also waiting on the explanation of how the hell they got there.
And while we're at it, a peek at the planned storyline'd be nice. Are they just gonna chill in Equestria, randomly hugging ponies they find cute? Or is there some deeper reason, like an evil villain is attempting to use them to further their nefarious plans, or something.
Still... I'd say it was a mild improvement on the earlier chapters. Not too bad overall.
I'd still recommend branching out, but your choice I suppose
Now, it's 4am so I should probably be off. I blame any and all mistakes you may find above on the Brandy.
Plum Out
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~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
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1601687
All right, thank you again for the info. Now I have explanation to make:
-Tony is not supposed to make any sense at all. (He's like that IRL). His character is meant to break the fourth wall and do random things for no reason. He knows magic perfectly because he's Tony. Besides, without him and his antics, the story would be pretty bland. I hope that, while there was no explanation for Tony's actions, they were still humorous.
-We actually had the vid embeded(sp?), but I thought it would be easier to put in in the text. MY BAD. (You guys can put the pitchforks away now)
-Darker colors. Okay.
-We are considering branching out, but we still have stuff already written that we want to post.
-The fourth wall stands no chance against us. Plain and simple. That's just how we want to write it. It does serve a purpose though, all in good time.
-just thought to throw the meme in there to see who understood it: We'd have an idea of the kind of audience we're writing for that way.
Thank you for reading again!
HAPPY SEASON 3!!!!
-All three of us