...There was a sound of thunder. There was a flash of bright light. There was the sound of three boys screaming like girls.
And just like that, it was over.
It was 5 o'clock in the morning, and somewhere in the magical land of -LOCATION WITHHELD-, three brothers were happily asleep. At 7 o'clock, Luigi woke up, still feeling really tired, so much so that his vision was blurred. Or maybe that was because he wasn't wearing his glasses. He got ready and left really quickly, sensing that today wasn't going to be the best of days. He got on his bike and began to ride to school while trying to fully wake up.
Man, it's bright out today. Can't even see straight. These friggin colors are too HD. Sunglasses... he thought as he put on his shades. They helped a little.
The trip was strange. The bike felt wobbly the whole time. Uh oh. Something might be loose. better get it checked out later. thought Luigi. When he finally got there, he pulled up in front of the gate. Only there was no gate there. Instead, when he tried to lean on it, he fell right over onto the grass. What the hell? he thought as he got up. Then, he took off his shades and rubbed his eyes. When he opened them, his jaw hit the ground. Oh yeah, I'm dreaming. Which means that I must be late for work. Damn. In front of him, 10 yards away, was Twilight's library. He couldn't believe his eyes. He tried rubbing them again, but it was still there. "Oh my god... I'm in Ponyville... but I just left the house... TONY AND G!" he realized that he had better make sure his brothers were safe, if they were even here. He hopped back onto his bike and sped down the road, back towards the house. Then he actually looked at the situation from a broader perspective. Wait a second...I'm in Ponyville, so... He looked down at himself, and instead of seeing his blue shirt and jeans, he saw blue fur. Holy Jesus! Then he looked at his hands, but saw two blue and white hooves. I'm a pony! OH MY GOD!... wait a second... can ponies ride bikes?
...aaand physics. He lost control of the bike handles, and jumped off of the bike using the pedals, landing on all fours. The bike, however, continued rolling upright, somehow riding itself out of view, into what looked like the Everfree Forest.
"...and it's gone" Luigi said. "At least I'm halfway there. Guess I'll have to..." at this point, he puts his shades back on, "...HOOF IT! YEEEEAAAHHHHH!"
~Meanwhile~
Tony woke up unusually early (which really meant 8:01) and proceeded to attempt to climb down from his bed. He managed to fall off and hit the floor. That's how he normally got off his bed, even if it meant hurting himself to do it. People would say "Don't do that!" and "Your gonna mess up your head!". I don't see the point. That way is just more fun then getting off regularly. He even managed to make a dent into the floor where he landed. Except this time it hurt, a lot. "OWW what the buck!!" Tony put his arms over his head. After a few minutes of pain, he began to lower his arms and observed them. "AHHH!", what happened to my arms! They're red! OH MY GOD, I'm bleeding! What, no? After a few minutes of closer examination he realized that he wasn't. Oh, well that's kinda disappointing. If that's not blood then... he thought to himself. He started to examine the rest of his arm, and he got to his hand. What happened to my hands?. He saw... well, a lack of hands. Umm, okay, that was kinda unexpected. Well what are these then... hooves? Wait a minute... CLICK Holy son of a beach ball on the moon in Africa! This is awesome! I'm a pony! The last word rang in his head for a few moments. Well, I think I've been serious enough.
Preparing to launch in three... two... on-
Antonio.exe stopped working.
Send error report?
Nah...
After several moments (moments, minutes, an hour, whatever) of complete nonsense which was loud enough to wake up people in the next area code, Giovanni woke up and started to get out of bed. Then he said "What are you doin- Oh my God what happened to you!" Realizing that his brother was a pony, G ran to the mirror, and saw that he was a yellow foal with a brown mane and tail. He also noticed that he had wings, and said "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?!?!!!" Still wondering if he was dreaming, he thought, Did I die and go to Equestria? Wait a minute, one does not simply. Deep in shock, he said, "THIS IS AWESOME!! OKAY TONY WHAT HAPPENED I AM SO CONFUSED AND YET SO AMAZED!!!!!!!" he looked to see the clock read 8:47 and said, "Alright, so Luigi won't be home for a while, and we appear to be ponies. Seems legit. What do we do now? I think we should-"
"GUYS, WE HAVE A SITUATION!" Luigi yelled as he barged into the house.
"Boy, that escalated quickly." Tony said.
Tony and G went to the door to meet Luigi. They stared at each other for a few moments, then they all exclaimed in unison,
"WHAT THE BUCK HAPPENED LAST NIGHT?!"
"Look, I'm a Pegasus!" exclaimed G happily.
Luigi looked at Tony and said, "Dude, you're a unicorn."
Tony looked at Luigi and said, "Dude, you're a unicorn too."
"Woah. This is friggin awesome" Luigi said. "How long have you guys been awake?"
"About half an hour" replied G.
"That means that I spent like 30 minutes... wow. That's a new record." Tony said.
"So, you guys haven't really done anything yet? Well what are we waiting for!" He pointed to his horn, "Let's see what this baby can do!"
With that, he attempted to do some sort of magic. However, he had no idea what he was doing, so nothing occurred.
Meanwhile, Giovanni was jumping up into the air, trying to fly. After some trial and error, he figured out how to keep his balance in the air. "It's all about keeping your wings at the same level and moving them at the same time." he explained.
As Luigi continued failing to do anything, Tony walked back into the room, levitating a cup of water. Luigi saw this, stopped what he was doing, and facehoofed. "How are you doing that?" he asked.
"Doing what?" Tony replied.
"That! With the cup!"
"Oh, this? It's easy! You just...kinda...do it."
"Gee, thanks for the help!" Luigi said sarcastically, as he laid down on the white couch, trying to do something, ANYTHING. Then his phone rang, and Luigi said, "Damn telemarketers. Why are they always calling?" He answered his phone the usual way he would for telemarketers. In a monotone voice he said, "Hello! This is an automated voice message from survey center! Would you like to take a survey?" The other person on the line hung up. "Works every time!" Luigi said happily. Then he realized something. He hadn't actually held his phone while he was talking. Where was it? Did he drop it or something?
Then, his phone's alarm clock went off, late as usual. "Ah! Turn that off!" Luigi yelled. He heard the music stop. But I don't even have my phone on me! What's going on? Then he figured it out. He was using his phone with magic!
While this was happening, Giovanni was staring at his brother as he appeared to talk to himself, and Tony prepared for an exorcism. Tony was about to start throwing water at Luigi when he suddenly "woke up" from his "trance".
"Woah. That's cool." Luigi said all of a sudden.
"You know, you're starting to act more and more like me every day!" Tony said. "I've taught you well."
"I don't think that's a good thing." Luigi said worriedly. "You have got to check this out!"
"What? Did you figure what's wrong with Tony?" G asked hopefully.
"Unfortunately, no. Something better. I figured out some magic!" Luigi explained, "I can access my phone through my horn! check this out!" He went to his music and chose a song. Pony music of course. (Here's what he put on). The song played through his horn, which lit up slightly. It dimmed and shone brighter in tune with the song. "Aw Yeah! this is awesome!" Luigi yelled over the music, which was a little too loud. He figured out how to lower the volume, and brought it down to a less painful level. "Okay, so to use the phone, all I have to do is imagine what needs to be done to navigate the phone. I just imagine the phone in front of me, and press the buttons that will get me to where I need to go. Awesome! Hmmm...I think I'll call it my headphone! Get it? Head-Phone? HA? ... well, I think it's funny..."
"...Okay, so what next?" Giovanni asked. The three of them practicing their abilities had taken a few hours.
"Well, when I got to where school was supposed to be, I saw Twilight's library." Luigi said.
Tony dropped the cup, which shattered on the floor. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US EARLIER!?!? LET'S GO!" He made for the door, but Luigi yelled, "WAIT!" Tony stopped and looked at him, "What?"
"You of all people would waste this opportunity?" Luigi said, raising an eyebrow.
"What do you mea- ohhhh....I get it."
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"Do you have the song?"
"Hell yeah."
...
"Let's do this!"
1516306
Thanks dude! Just keep in mind that all three of us are working on it together, so the writing styles will be different. And it's our first story, so we're still learning.
Confused,
A cliffhanger,
Weirded-out reader,
I say you are doing a great job.
Although a bit random and quick for a lot of people. A party invite, then they wake up from a day that never happened? The buck?
I am going to like the story because I believe you have a shot. Although you should really not go so quickly.
1516332
Noted. the prologue is quick because we want to get right to it. The story will slow down to make room for silliness. There will be A LOT of silliness.
1516347
So the 3 characters in the show are you and your 2 real life friends writing it? That is great collaboration!
Anyway, I am glad to hear it. I will be awaiting the next chapter.
Well that sucks, someone disliked. Oh well, haters gonna hate
1516418
The three characters are actually me and my two younger brothers.
Meh, haters gonna hate. Whatever. Glad you enjoyed it! More to come!
Alrighty. This is a quick review but it'll have to do:
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/rsz/mlfw3191_medium.jpg
Never use General Zoi's Pony Creator in your image. For some people, this is an instant dislike.
Try to avoid self-inserts completely. It's far too easy for them to turn into wish-fulfilment stories or waifu-fictions. There's no romance tag yet, so that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Hopefully. There's also a high chance that you end up filling the story with inside jokes, which is exactly what this story does. There's not an awful lot for people who aren't part of your little group (i.e. me) to find funny/engaging.
Never use yellow text. It's really hard to read, see?
There are an awful lot of author comments too. Like "That's a volume of 134,560 blocks. It's huge" or kinda lame jokes like "...aaand physics." These serve very little purpose in the story. Breaking reader immersion is a huge no-no, so this kind of behaviour is generally discouraged. If you want your audience to laugh, make something happen in the story. The audience will decide if it's funny or not. Don't point at a joke and go "Hey look! A video game reference! Isn't that funny? That's so cool!"
Storywise, there are problems. For a start, I have no clue what any of the brothers look like.
At all.
Who's the eldest/youngest? Are they tall? Are they blonde, bald, what? For that matter, how old are they? I can't find any mention of it.
Based on your lack of description, I can only assume the three are identical 5 foot tall 16 year olds with flowing beards that wear pink frilly aprons to school.
The rest of the story's pretty generic so far. What you've added in seems to be fairly trivial. Like that they play Minecraft Xbox edition.
That's nice, I guess. How does that affect the story, exactly?
On the technical side of things, you appear competent, at least.
Spelling slip-ups are pretty few and far-between.
Grammar isn't perfect, but it's good enough to pass by.
But there's a distinct lack of pacing. In just over 2,000 words, precisely two things have happened.
1) They got transported to Equestria
2) You made a Trollestia/Bananas joke.
Which totally have not been done to death since over a year ago. Nuh-uh. Nope. No way.
dashie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw2379.gif
Either make more things happen in the same space (and I mean engaging things. Not discussing the state of the Mozzerella rolls or something), or cut out the fat and bring it down to the 1,000 odd word-count it usually takes people to do something like this.
What's particularly impressive is that you take that many words saying they've gone to Equestria, without actually saying how they get to Equestria.
Bleh.
I feel I may come across as a bit harsher than I mean to, but all of my points are valid, as far as I can see.
As to where you should go from here, I'd recommend attempting a different kind of story before updating this one.
OC self-inserts rarely sit well with the Brony fandom at large.
Try writing about some amusing antics that Rarity gets up to when Fluttershy cancels their spar date because of a sick animal or something.
Then, if you feel the need to continue this story, you'd at least have some more experience to help you along the way.
Best of luck, moustachioed midgets.
~ScreenedPlum, TWE's Drunk Scotsman
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/thumb/mlfw4597.png
You had my attention at Xbox
1516467
Okay, to be honest, we've been writing this since July, and there are about 3 chapters that we have stored that have not been published yet. In the next few chapters, we describe ourselves and how we look. The cover photo, (and yes, i know that OCs are not exactly "popular") of our OCs are meant to look more or less like us. However, if you want information now, I am 16, Tony is 13, and Giovanni is 11.
The inside jokes (Minecraft, Luigi can't cook, Tony is...Different, etc.) are our explanations of how we act in the real world. We figured that we would act the same way in Equestria, because even though our location has changed, our personalities remain constant. We spent so much time with these trivial things because they will be referenced later on. We like referencing everything that we like, because that's how we are.
There will be more engaging situations from now on, we just had to lay down the facts first.
As for the yellow text- NEVER AGAIN. We promise.
The whole idea of how we got to Equestria was never really discussed among the three of us, so it looks like we'll have a mystery to solve at some point.
Personally, I don't have any other stories to write as of yet, because of school taking up most of my life. Tony has 1 or two, but they are getting written very slowly. Giovanni on the other hand, since he has the most free time, has a bunch of short stories written, but remember, he's 11, and his writing style is very basic, so the three of us have to read his stories over and edit them together.
It's a good thing we didn't post the whole story yet. We'll be editing now.
Thanks a lot for the review. It means a lot to us that you'd critique us. Our first collaborative story is bound to be full of mistakes. Bear with us!
-Luigi
1516526
Well all right!
1516590
Cheers for taking on-board constructive criticism. That already makes you better than half the authors I've had the... pleasure of talking with. Your appreciation is appreciated.
OCs are perfectly acceptable a lot of the time. Some of the greatest stories in the Fandom are almost exclusively OC based (See FO:E, Near Death Experience, Night Guards, etc). I was objecting to the use of the Flash Pony Creator made by General Zoi on DeviantArt.
So many horrible, horrible authors use that to design their Red and Black Alicorn nonsense that a story with an image from there is instantly loses respect in the eyes of many.
I'm assuming a commissioning some cover-art is out of the question, so I'd recommend changing the cover pic to either a drawing that one of you did or just a general all-purpose image. Like one of Ponyville town square or something.
By all means, act the way you do in real life, but some context would help you out. Perhaps an amusing anecdote about the time one of you spawned a dozen creepers in the top floor of another's house or something. Give an explanation of why Minecraft matters to you, so that way it'll matter more to the readers.
As for the time-thing, I understand. Almost all Bronies have day-jobs, whether that be School, College or actual work.
One philosophy I really believe in with regards to fiction is Quality over Quantity.
I'd much rather wait to read a really good chapter than be bombarded with less than impressive ones.
I rather like the idea of a group of brothers working together to write stories, actually. Sounds like a set-up for a cheesy sitcom or something.
1516716
Dude, I am so used my schoolwork being criticized. I'm glad to have someone tell me how to improve the story.
I totally get the whole "OMG look at my Alicorn OC!" thing. The OCs that we made are not meant to be our imaginations at work. (That would be...interesting though) We'll consider changing the picture once we find something appropriate. Yeah, commissioning is pretty much impossible. We are by no means artists unless you consider stick figures to be art.
FO:E was a great OC story! This story is really more inspired by Through the Eyes of Another Pony though. At least we're trying to be silly like Firewall would have.
Context- will do. You haven't yet seen how stupid the three of us can act.
When we thought of writing this story, the idea of the three of us working together sounded original and pretty interesting. A cheesy sitcom might be just what we're aiming for.
I ask that you continue reading, and critique us along the way. I'd much rather have someone like you doing it than someone hating on us.
-Luigi
1516894
I shall endeavour to do so. Just send me a PM whenever you want me to take a look.
As for stories, I never really got into TtEoAP. Seemed interesting enough, but it failed to hook me in on the first couple of chapters.
If you're ever looking for awesome stories, go check out Visionary, It Takes a Village, The Three Sisters, Night Guards or Allegrezza.. They're probably the my Top 5 on this site. Pretty much must-reads for anyone who plans to stay for a while dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Lyra2.png
Can you 1516600 I like Tonny aswell and I like the randomness of the crazy adventures! You only needed to one hand that shit... I really look forward to seeing when Tony meets pinkie... let him defy gravity and laws of physics please...
And>>1516467 can you givethat same analysis for my stories?
1518715
You should definitely follow this story. There will be much more randomness, and much more of Tony's (and Me and G's) shenanigans.
THE NEXT CHAPTER. Just sayin'
One question though... wats up with the heavy Italian names?
1522957
Those are our actual names. We're Italian.
Wait is Luigi the red one or yellow one? Yellow would make sense if we are talking Mario bros. Red would be a lie
1524951
Ah. guess I should clear that up. The three of us are in the cover photo. Luigi is the blue one, Tony is the red one, and Giovanni is the yellow one.
Just a heads up, the next chapter is coming out soon! Tell your friends!
-Luigi
(PS: I'm glad to have such an enthusiastic reader! hope this story is as fun for you to read as it is for us to write!)
I think of it as a great comedy when you throw in hyperactiveness
1528626
Thank you! Hyperactivity is what we do!