There once was a village hidden deep within the mountains of Equestria and within this village lived two alicorn sisters. They were beloved in the village and many of the ponies had their hopes pinned on the two sisters. For you see this village and indeed all of Equestria itself was under the dominion of the Mad Draconequus, Discord, and the ponies of the village hoped that one day the sisters would grow powerful enough to o'erthrow him. To me however I saw them as my friends. And I, Rose Eclipse, would have done anything for them.
Thus begins the tale of Rose Eclipse my first OC. For a better idea of how he looks like imagine a young Colt with light grey fur, a black mane with a long stripe of Fuchsia running down it that matches his eyes.
*This is the first story of mine and my first foray into both story writing and fanfiction writing so I hope you all enjoy this*
*Special thanks to Symphonic Sync for helping me with a few passages in the opening chapter*
*I will also note that I am playing a bit fast and loose with the timeline here, Sombra overthrowing Princess Amore happens during Discord ruling over Equestria is the first major example*
Hey, Soot-Stained from RDA here, as promised.
Ch1:
Rose Eclipse? Well, to be honest, I hope you put that character through a Mary Sue Litmus Test. The name isn't exactly a game-breaker, but it is worrying.
And I'm seeing some formatting issues with your " marks.
Rose as a boy's name? Well, that's different.
Missing a comma. Should have one just after the word "don't".
And "Angered" is grammatically awkward at this point. Angry is a more appropriate form of the word.
Run-on sentence. Pls fix.
Several things wrong with this. Suggested fix: "We shall force Discord to give Rose back to us, Luna."
So far so good. I think I see where this is going.
Ch2:
*repeated (because it's past tense)
Also, "Discord has taken our Rose! That villain! We need your assistance to get him back!"
"Discord has taken our dear friend as a part of one [blah blah blah]
You're missing the end-quote. And air-quotes in the middle of speech are simply apostrophes. You know, this ' character.
Is Papyrus Script supposed to have a slightly-southern accent? It doesn't make as much sense for a unicorn that far in the past to pick up one of the earth pony dialects... unless Papyrus is an earth pony.
And you're missing endquotes in quite a few places. I'm going to stop pointing them out and trust you to go over them with a fine-toothed comb.
And his accent switched back from southerner. You need to pick a speech method and stick to it for this character.
Awkward phrasing. Maybe "Luna snapped. She then let her elder sister herd her away." or something like that.
Awkward phrasing and repetitive wording.
"Now outside, the sisters headed home. Their abode was on the outskirts of the village where Rose frequented. Watching her sister pace a trough into the floor, Celestia sighed."
*denied, frowning slightly.
Luna's voice (the way it sounds when you read it) keeps shifting between the mature voice she has in her show and a child-like voice. It's like a 30-year-old suddenly using baby-talk to communicate. And then back.
I'm not sure how to fix this without re-writing all of her dialogue.
...
I'm going to have to stop here, if only because my OCD is driving me crazy.
Main problems: past tense, not present,
Luna's dialogue,
descriptions are too verbose when they don't need to be,
you should show, not tell,
quotation marks are weird (you'll prolly want to turn off "smart quotes" in whatever word processing program you're using) or missing,
Papyrus's dialogue,
and you need some comma practice.
These are all fixable.
I'm guessing this is an origin story for Sombra? It'd be interesting. Let me know when you've done some fixes and I'll go over the rest of the story.
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My thanks for the thorough response my friend and I shall be doing my utmost to fix the issues you mentioned, though it will take a few days admittedly preferably after I have the third chapter uploaded. Papyrus Script is a minor character and he is yes a Earth pony, I've been trying to weave in the descriptions through out rather then a massive text dumb. I've been putting in the quotation marks myself in Microsoft Word, that is where I type up, proofread and edit these chapters before uploading.
And no actually this is not an Origin story for Sombra, though he WILL be a significant character soon first appearing at the tail end of Chapter 2 along with another character who though not major will play a role in shaping, or misshaping as the case may be, Rose in the future. . . .I'd add an emote here of a grinning Sombra but I've no idea how. Something else to learn.
It seems that my major problems, or from what I can tell from your comment, is my awkward phrasings and my slight inconsistency with Luna's dialogue. Was trying to show her being more open with Rose and Celestia then she is around others but I suppose I failed in that. Means I'll have to rewrite a significant part of the next chapter as well.
My thanks for the advice and critique of my writing my friend, I do appreciate it.
So Sombra is NOT Rose, right? And the events at the end of this chapter happen as/slightly after Rose falls asleep or like 10 years in the future?
Sorry, I get confused easily and I need to check my facts :/
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No no, Rose is NOT Sombra, in fact Sombra will end up playing a VERY important part of Rose's life in the near future. I am currently in the process of writing just WHAT he wants with Rose, but well. . .the title of the story kind explains it a small bit non? *winks and smiles*
Thank you for commenting by the way, you've no idea how much it brighten's my day to see someone comment on my story.