It was a day like any other, maybe a little bit nicer than usual
It was a nice day, yeah, the especial kind of day where everypony felt cheerful and full of energy. And for Cheerilee it was perfect, even the little pranks her students pulled during the day helped to lift her spirit her even more.
It was the middle of the day and Cheerilee had bid farewell to the last student of her class and decided to go to the grocery store to do some errands before going home. And then it happened, the event that would change that beautiful day affecting not only the teacher, but everyone involved. The littlest detail could make the biggest difference.
And it all started when she spotted a certain purple dragon caring a huge cart full of all kind of provisions in the line to pay.
“Hi Spike! How are you? Doing the groceries of the month with Twilight?”
“Hi Cheerilee!” Smiled the dragon. “Yeah, doing some errands but for today I’m all by myself. Twilight and the girls had to go to Canterlot to I-don’t-know-what and left me in charge of this.”
Cheerilee seemed confused.
“But hey, are you sure you can carry all this all the way to your home?”
“I’m used to, isn’t that right Quick Sales?”
The sales pony just smiled to the dragon and nodded while putting everything in a paper bag, then the dragon placed a bag of bits on the counter and said good bye carrying what it seemed like a tower. Cheerilee frowned, somehow this seemed wrong.
Spike was turning around the corner when the teacher trotted to him.
“Spike, wait!”
“Oh, need something Cheerilee?” Asked Spike in a very good mood.
“Nothing, just seeing if you needed some help.” Explained the teacher.
Spike tilted his head confused.
“Are you sure Cheerilee? The library it’s a little far from your home.”
“It’s okay, I have time.”
So Spike innocently thanked her and together they walked to Golden Oaks Library. As always it sparkled of clean, especially the kitchen where they placed the bags. Then Spike stretched satisfied and turned to the teacher.
“Thank you for your help Cheerilee, can I offer you something to drink? We have soda and some lemonade.”
“Just water please” asked the teacher politely. “So tell me kid, who does the cleaning and stuff? Twilight, you or the two of you together?”
“Me. Twi likes her home spotless and I make a good effort to do my part. Uf! I’m lucky she isn’t in here for today or else I would spend the whole afternoon cleaning the disasters she makes while studying. And it’s perfect because Rarity also asked me to help her classify the different kinds of strings, buttons, and sequins; then I think Pinkie Pie asked me to separate the new wrapping papers from the old ones and then I have to feed Fluttershy’s animals. Just my Number One Assistant’s chores, so I’m happy to do it!”
Cheerilee shook her head, no, something was definitely wrong in there.
“Ey Spike, how can you be so positive about it? It seems exhausting, even for an adult!”
“Kind of” said Spike shrugging. “But I can relax after I finish making dinner for Twilight and I by reading a good comic before bed.”
Cheerilee nodded slowly.
“I see. And by the way, how old are you Spike?”
“Me? I just turned nine, why?”
This was too much, Cheerilee had to take a seat and bite her tongue in a weak attempt to hide her indignation and not worry Spike; so she finished her water, helped Spike to put everything where it belonged and left after a quick good-bye.
Once outside the library, the teacher ran to the Town Hall demanding to see Mayor Mare.
“Cheerilee?”
“Mayor Mare, I’m here to report of a case of child negligence and exploitation.”
Mayor Mabel Mare didn’t know what to say, but this seemed very serious.
Spike had just finished doing the dusting and was about to go to Rarity’s when somepony called at the door.
“Who could be at this hour?” Asked the dragon.
He opened the door to a couple of unknown ponies, a Pegasus and a unicorn, wearing a black jacket, buttoned shirt and tie. They seemed awfully serious and intimidating, but they turned their frowned expressions to a friendly smile when they saw Spike.
“Good evening. You are Spike, right?”
“Ehem… yeah, why?”
“You see, we’re from the Child Protection Agency” explained the Pegasus kindly while giving an I.D. to the confused dragon. “Do you have a minute? We just want to ask you some questions.”
Spike shrugged.
“Sure. Come this way.” Said Spike guiding them to the living room. “But please, can it be quick? I have a lot to do!”
“Precisely Spike, precisely” said the unicorn. “I understand you have a list of chores. Do you mind if we take a look?”
Spike nodded and gave them the list Twilight gave him that morning.
The two employees exchanged a worried look examining the list and turned to Spike.
“This is a very long list.” Mumbled the unicorn.
“Tell me, how can you do all of this and attend to school at the same time?” Asked the Pegasus kindly.
“Actually I don’t attend school.” Explained Spike a little ashamed. “I mean, Twilight home-schools me when she has time, but she’s too busy with her own studies to worry about mine, but I don’t really mind; so I try do my best to support her by taking care of the house”
The two ponies nodded.
“That’s it. Pack up your things kid, we’re leaving.” Said the Pegasus.
“WHAT? This is… this is foa…”
“No, it’s not foalnapping” explained the unicorn. “You cannot live where you’re getting exploited and ignored, not to mention you seem very satisfied with the situation.”
Spike shook his head.
“No, NO! I’ll write to Princess Celestia, let’s see what SHE has to say about this!”
“Please go ahead” said the Pegasus taking a letter from her jacket. “But please send her this letter as well.”
Spike did as he was told and the Princess’ answer didn’t delayed to appear.
Dear Spike, please go with this ponies, I’ll have a very serious talk with my faithful student tomorrow morning, and for the sake of the two of you I hope this is only a misunderstanding; but the process is already open and I cannot interfere. In the meantime I assure you, you can trust in this ponies.
Princess Celestia.
“I don’t get, it… please don’t do this…” said Spike trembling.
“Don’t worry kid, you’re safe now” said the Pegasus.
“You’ll stay in Ponyville in a safe house while we locate your family” assured the unicorn.
“But…”
“Don’t make this harder kid, we don’t expect you to understand nor forgive us; but this is for your own good.”
So they took the very scared and confused dragon out of the library. What was going on? Why this was happening to him?
Twilight and her friends returned from their little improvised excursion very proud of themselves, another adventure that ended well for everypony.
“Now it’s time to celebrate!” Cheered Pinkie Pie.
Twilight agreed.
“I’ll ask Spike to make some tea. Spike! Spike, we’re home! Would you mind to making some tea please? Spike!”
No one answered.
“Maybe he’s still at my place feeding the creatures” suggested Fluttershy. “It takes some time.”
“Yeah, the kid is taking his time, big deal!” Said Rainbow Dash shrugging.
Twilight nodded, but no, something deep inside her was telling the lavender unicorn that something else was going on. Without hesitation, she trotted inside her home and a couple of seconds later, their friends followed her, finding Twilight completely in shock.
“No… NO!!”
“What happened?” Asked Dash.
Twilight quickly showed them the letter she found on the table:
Dear Miss Sparkle,
This letter we inform you that the minor under your charge, Spike Sparkle, has been separated from your custody due to conditions of negligence and exploitation. A hearing in the Family Court has been scheduled three weeks after the reception of the present notification, until then you or your friends have completely forbidden to be within twenty meters or communicate with the minor.
Child Protection Agency.
And then Celestia’s letter:
Twilight, I’m very disappointed in you. No, I’m furious, and I hope for your sake this is all a misunderstanding. I don’t want to believe this accusations are true but the process is already open and I will not interfere under any chance. Tomorrow first thing in the morning you and I will have a very serious talk about Spike’s conditions, and again, I hope this is all a misunderstanding.
Your teacher, Princess Celestia.
No pony dared to say a thing, this was a very serious problem.
In the meantime, Spike was taken to a small house in Ponyville, as they promised. This somehow helped to comfort the dragon, at least he wouldn’t be that far from Twilight.
Lyra and Bon-Bon opened the door.
“Spike, please come on in!” Smiled Lyra. “Make yourself comfortable, my house is your house.”
Spike stood there with his head low.
“Don’t worry kid, you’re safe now” assured Bon-Bon. “So relax, okay?”
Spike shook his head crying.
“NO, this can’t be! This is all a misunderstanding, I shouldn’t be here!”
“Maybe it is” said Bon-Bon. “I don’t know Twilight that well but I cannot picture her as somepony who mistreats a minor. But the process is open and we must adhere to the law, so we’ll take care of you until your family comes. You know you can trust us, right?”
Spike looked at them and nodded, yeah, he knew Lyra and Bon-Bon very well and he could say they were very nice ponies. Besides in Ponyville everypony trusted each other.
“I guess so…” said Spike.
“And I do know Twilight from school and yeah, I can say this is all a dumb mistake” said Lyra. “So don’t worry, everything will be fine in no time!”
Spike smiled and then he got in the house.
The two mares only could smile and do their best to make him feel better, god knows that’s what he truly needed.
no, this is just wrong
8271590
I wouldn't say this is wrong, but it's definitely not right. Honestly it feels like this story is right on the edge of being either good or bad.
I wonder if Spike is going to be allowed to explain how he's the one volunteering for all those chores and how Twilight once went to find an additional helper so he'd have more free time. Or that he's allowed to leave at any time he wishes, as shown during the Dragon Migration.
Also, if Celestia is going to be all outraged and judgemental and will only berate Twilight for what she's accused of instead of doing anything helpful.
ok yeah cheerlee your a cunt and celestia your not much better
This will be interesting, I hope will have many chapters. XD
I've read it, and I believe there can be some more improvement in the narrative by increasing the "show" instead of telling us what is going on "tell", which has a place in the viewpoint of Spike.
For example, the very first sentence:
It was a nice day, yeah, the especial kind of day where everypony felt cheerful and full of energy.
What made it a nice day? What made it special for the ponies to feel happy, cheerful and full of energy?
Your narrative can improve considerably if you start giving more details for us readers to picture it:
Let's give it a shot:
The sky was bright blue, free of clouds thanks to Ponyville's weather team and a certain boasting pegasus - the air feeling fresh and slightly humid on the fur in contrast with the warm light being showered from the sky by Celestia's sun.
This day was among those that marked the ending of spring and the beginning of summer, which for everypony involved, was a refreshing day in which to feel happy to just be - until the heat of summer tested all of their patience like it usually did year after year.
In short, it was a great day to be outside and enjoy being with others, going out shopping, or to simply be at the park.
I am not certain if this is the best example possible (and I invite other readers to give their examples), yet I believe if you manage to give your narrative an immersive element, your story will be much better received.
And also there is learning from reading good literature - The Dresden Files, Bridge of Birds, etc. Those books have a good sense of narrative from which all of us can learn.
I'd like to see your progress when you revise this chapter, if you can impress upon us the feelings of the characters involved - which is a much harder deal to perform successfully.
May you keep on writing - after all, practice makes perfect.
I'll give you props for making a story about the idea... however, I recommend you get an editor that could help you with tidying the chapter up since it's a direct translation... aside from that, it looks interesting...
Well… that was only slightly physically painful to read. I mean that literally, I actually bit my tongue while reading this mess.
Let's start with the story itself. It's a mess; grammatically unclean, structurally unsound, poorly paced and above all, poorly executed.
The grammar was not so bad as some I've seen… mostly that was in junior high classrooms, but nonetheless, I've seen worse. Quotations are a big part of this issue; they can either be attached to a containing sentence, or they can be isolated. Not both… which is something that's going on way more in this chapter than is should. If a quotation is isolated, then the preceding and succeeding sentences cannot be attached. In effect, this means no said tags. To have no said tags is grammatically, syntactically and structurally acceptable, in fact, in many circumstances where the context has been established and the speaker is indirectly identified, it is preferred. If the quotation is not isolated and is attached and/or dependant on a containing sentence, then the quotation must be a part of that sentence. This means that the punctuation at the end of the quotation, regardless of whether it can be employed as an implied Oxford comma or an implied full stop, will act as an implied Oxford. Further, there were a number of instances of poor and incorrect syntax within the chapter; often through lacking or excessive punctuation.
In terms of pacing and suspense: …there wasn't any. Less than a thousand words in, there's been four major events, each of which could easily have taken up twice (if not more) the word count and been far more interesting. A plot is a series of events, but a story is a description of the conflict and resolution that occurs because of the events. The conflict within this chapter was resolved outside of the narrative scope and no explanation is given. Quite frankly, there was no conflict shown… at all… which is quite strange for a story tagged 'Drama'. In fact, it could be argued that this story doesn't even deserve that tag, so much does it ignore conflict, that there isn't really any drama contained within the first chapter. Further, the story spends a lot of its word count telling the audience what is going on and how things are happening, instead of showing them happening. The old adage of 'Show, don't tell,' must once again rear its ugly head. However, within a story, this is very correct; the audience can deduce infromation from the situation without needing to be told the author's deductions.
As for execution… put simply: this was poorly executed. Through the story, not once was it made clear that Spike was being neglected, especially not to the level that requires legal intervention and especially not to the level of removal from care. Intervention is a serious matter, it takes resources and time that could be better spent dealing with much worse situations. Removal from care has been repeatedly in both case studies and full studies to be a traumatic event to the subject. Therefore, it is undertaken only with due diligence and care, as well as a very good reason. Seldom will a subject be removed from care for any reason other than; (1) imminent danger, (2) chronic danger, or, (3) if the primary caregiver/guardian demonstrates a clear pattern of refusal to obey orders or to modify the circumstances of the childrearing environment.
This chapter demonstrated a clear and abject lack of understanding of neglect. It is not leaving a child alone, or giving them chores to keep them out of the way. It does not even include allowing truancy, though that may be an indicator of other issues. Neglect is far more serious; it is a circumstance in which a pattern of dangerous incidences of a child being non-intentionally denied the basic necessities of life emerge.
With that in mind, dear author (and anyone else planning a similar sort of story, or really any story), please, please, please: Do. Your. Research. It is not hard to do this, especially not when you are on a computer with access to the internet, like you are right now.
hymn .... lets think about this a sheltered child with social problems raising a child .... hymn .... yep could be a problem... i guess Celestia really didn't think that through at the time , so she better shut the hell up ..she's just as guilty as twilight and should be charged with endangering 2 minors him and twilight by making her take care of a baby fire breathing dragon. The moment spike hatched Celestia was obligated to ensure all his needs were to be meet since she was the one who used the egg as a means of testing. But it is true when you think about it they do leave a 9 year old alone by himself everytime they go on a adventure. But Cherilee could have approached twilight with her concerns first if they weren't addressed then taken it too the next step. Hands down thou Rarity uses child labor ... I mean she makes him dig holes for jewels and uses his body as a pincussion and she uses sex appeal to get him to do her favors.
Sorry I should clarify what i meant ....Twilight does her negligence out of ignorance due to her sheltered upbringing ... Celestias like 1000+ years old and should definently of known better if anyone should be on trial its her.
8271682
especially since Celestia knows all about what Spike does for Twilight
Real childhood... How many dragons, griffons, minotaurs, etc. Does Cherilee know? Surely it's not that bad... To take Spike away from his family... Or at last is what seems to happen by the synopsis.
8271941
It's a translation. Did you expect perfect grammar?
8272834
I never go into a story online expecting perfect grammar. But regardless of whether it is a translation or not, the grammar is abysmal and requires improvement. Translation is not an excuse for a story to have bad grammar, it's a reason to celebrate one with good grammar.
8271941
My friend, please, stop! It's against the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights to own people like this!
Some grammer mistakes but I understand what you meant. Can't wait till the next chapter.
8272848
Should I just assume that you say that when someone talks to you in broken english?
8273982
To quote my comment;
I was talking about published works, which should be edited with regards to the language they are to be published in. Further, published works should have multiple drafts and multiple rounds of editing. With spoken word, I am more willing to tolerate errors in syntax, because it is quite frankly, a first draft. Additionally, for non-native speakers, I am even more forgiving because there is little-to-no chance for the speaker to revise multiple times, or seek outside assistance.
8271635
Unfortunately this argument doesn't really hold weight to it.
1: "he's the one volunteering for all those chores and how Twilight once went to find an additional helper so he'd have more free time."
Spike has very obviously been indoctrinated when it comes to being Twilight's assistant. As he say's he is used to doing it, and has been doing it for years. Spike doesn't realize he's being used because for him this is how life has always been and his limited social interaction with others his own age means he's unaware it's not normal for a child to be given so much work.
That episode also REALLY shows that Spike's self worth seems to be tied to his position. He values it like a treasure to the point he will harm anyone who threatens it. His worse fear is Twilight telling him she doesn't need him anymore and sending him away because of it. Implying he full believes that if he isn't her assistant Twilight will stop loving him and throw him out.
2: he's allowed to leave at any time he wishes, as shown during the Dragon Migration.
Pretty sure Twilight fully expected him to come back when he left for the Dragon Migration. It's not like he was moving out. He was just going on a quest to find out more about his heritage.
8272242
True. We have no idea what a childhood is like for a dragon. But Spike never lived with dragons so from Cheerilee's perspective Spike's life should be equal to that of a pony foil his age.
Which given the enormous amount of manual labor he's required to do on a daily basis for both Twilight and for her friends (whom are not his family), the amount of time Twilight leaves him unsupervised to go on a mission, and the fact he doesn't go to school (Spike say's Twilight home school's him but considering how often she is gone i doubt she has done much lately) likely qualifies as neglect and exploitation under Equestrian law.
8271947
Fully agree. Celestia basically gave a baby to a child to raise on her own and then did nothing to help raise said child him outside of Twilight not having to worry about money due to being at a private school.
Celestia pretty much created this problem herself and I really hope Twilight brings up this point to her.
8278593
She wouldn't stop loving him. She made that clear several times over. And they actually didn't intervene in the dragon migration to convince him to come back. Yeah, they were crushed he wanted to stay with the dragons and blamed themselves, but when did they step in directly? When he was threatened.
See, if you argue Twilight might do horrible things she hasn't done, you're getting into thought crime territory.
Also, if they try to convince him he has been brainwashed and Twilight has forced all those things he said he was glad to do on him, they'll destroy the bond they had. Do you really believe Twilight would've what, punished him for slacking off or something? There's zero evidence for that.
SERIOUSLY DAWG!!!!!!?!?!??!!
This needs some serious editing work
Okay first chapter. Too fast paced, limited details, and plenty of errors. However, I've often thought about this scenario, so it's nice to see an author tackling it.
Dreadnought
This chapter should've been stretched out into two chapters with the first one providing more details on how Cheerilee felt justified in her actions and Twilight should have been present to defend her actions. The second one would then be the end result of the debate combined with Spike and Twilight getting separated to showcase the emotional turmoil of the two characters. Plus, the spelling and grammar are awful in this chapter and needs to be fixed.
Woah there, Cheerilee. Twilight is Spike's surrogate mother and older sister. Just because he doesn't go to school, usually left behind alone, and constantly does alot of chores and work at a young age, doesn't automatically mean child negligence and exploi-
oh, who am I kidding. Spike's being a slave by his "friends".