A day like any other, Cheerilee realizes Spike's condition as the Mane-6`s servant, and she won't stay there watching. With a legal process against Twilight, Spike is taken away from her and given the chance to have a real childhood.
Chapters (12)
Kaliann25
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no, this is just wrong
8271590
I wouldn't say this is wrong, but it's definitely not right. Honestly it feels like this story is right on the edge of being either good or bad.
I wonder if Spike is going to be allowed to explain how he's the one volunteering for all those chores and how Twilight once went to find an additional helper so he'd have more free time. Or that he's allowed to leave at any time he wishes, as shown during the Dragon Migration.
Also, if Celestia is going to be all outraged and judgemental and will only berate Twilight for what she's accused of instead of doing anything helpful.
ok yeah cheerlee your a cunt and celestia your not much better
This will be interesting, I hope will have many chapters. XD
I've read it, and I believe there can be some more improvement in the narrative by increasing the "show" instead of telling us what is going on "tell", which has a place in the viewpoint of Spike.
For example, the very first sentence:
It was a nice day, yeah, the especial kind of day where everypony felt cheerful and full of energy.
What made it a nice day? What made it special for the ponies to feel happy, cheerful and full of energy?
Your narrative can improve considerably if you start giving more details for us readers to picture it:
Let's give it a shot:
The sky was bright blue, free of clouds thanks to Ponyville's weather team and a certain boasting pegasus - the air feeling fresh and slightly humid on the fur in contrast with the warm light being showered from the sky by Celestia's sun.
This day was among those that marked the ending of spring and the beginning of summer, which for everypony involved, was a refreshing day in which to feel happy to just be - until the heat of summer tested all of their patience like it usually did year after year.
In short, it was a great day to be outside and enjoy being with others, going out shopping, or to simply be at the park.
I am not certain if this is the best example possible (and I invite other readers to give their examples), yet I believe if you manage to give your narrative an immersive element, your story will be much better received.
And also there is learning from reading good literature - The Dresden Files, Bridge of Birds, etc. Those books have a good sense of narrative from which all of us can learn.
I'd like to see your progress when you revise this chapter, if you can impress upon us the feelings of the characters involved - which is a much harder deal to perform successfully.
May you keep on writing - after all, practice makes perfect.
I'll give you props for making a story about the idea... however, I recommend you get an editor that could help you with tidying the chapter up since it's a direct translation... aside from that, it looks interesting...
Well… that was only slightly physically painful to read. I mean that literally, I actually bit my tongue while reading this mess.
Let's start with the story itself. It's a mess; grammatically unclean, structurally unsound, poorly paced and above all, poorly executed.
The grammar was not so bad as some I've seen… mostly that was in junior high classrooms, but nonetheless, I've seen worse. Quotations are a big part of this issue; they can either be attached to a containing sentence, or they can be isolated. Not both… which is something that's going on way more in this chapter than is should. If a quotation is isolated, then the preceding and succeeding sentences cannot be attached. In effect, this means no said tags. To have no said tags is grammatically, syntactically and structurally acceptable, in fact, in many circumstances where the context has been established and the speaker is indirectly identified, it is preferred. If the quotation is not isolated and is attached and/or dependant on a containing sentence, then the quotation must be a part of that sentence. This means that the punctuation at the end of the quotation, regardless of whether it can be employed as an implied Oxford comma or an implied full stop, will act as an implied Oxford. Further, there were a number of instances of poor and incorrect syntax within the chapter; often through lacking or excessive punctuation.
In terms of pacing and suspense: …there wasn't any. Less than a thousand words in, there's been four major events, each of which could easily have taken up twice (if not more) the word count and been far more interesting. A plot is a series of events, but a story is a description of the conflict and resolution that occurs because of the events. The conflict within this chapter was resolved outside of the narrative scope and no explanation is given. Quite frankly, there was no conflict shown… at all… which is quite strange for a story tagged 'Drama'. In fact, it could be argued that this story doesn't even deserve that tag, so much does it ignore conflict, that there isn't really any drama contained within the first chapter. Further, the story spends a lot of its word count telling the audience what is going on and how things are happening, instead of showing them happening. The old adage of 'Show, don't tell,' must once again rear its ugly head. However, within a story, this is very correct; the audience can deduce infromation from the situation without needing to be told the author's deductions.
As for execution… put simply: this was poorly executed. Through the story, not once was it made clear that Spike was being neglected, especially not to the level that requires legal intervention and especially not to the level of removal from care. Intervention is a serious matter, it takes resources and time that could be better spent dealing with much worse situations. Removal from care has been repeatedly in both case studies and full studies to be a traumatic event to the subject. Therefore, it is undertaken only with due diligence and care, as well as a very good reason. Seldom will a subject be removed from care for any reason other than; (1) imminent danger, (2) chronic danger, or, (3) if the primary caregiver/guardian demonstrates a clear pattern of refusal to obey orders or to modify the circumstances of the childrearing environment.
This chapter demonstrated a clear and abject lack of understanding of neglect. It is not leaving a child alone, or giving them chores to keep them out of the way. It does not even include allowing truancy, though that may be an indicator of other issues. Neglect is far more serious; it is a circumstance in which a pattern of dangerous incidences of a child being non-intentionally denied the basic necessities of life emerge.
With that in mind, dear author (and anyone else planning a similar sort of story, or really any story), please, please, please: Do. Your. Research. It is not hard to do this, especially not when you are on a computer with access to the internet, like you are right now.
hymn .... lets think about this a sheltered child with social problems raising a child .... hymn .... yep could be a problem... i guess Celestia really didn't think that through at the time , so she better shut the hell up ..she's just as guilty as twilight and should be charged with endangering 2 minors him and twilight by making her take care of a baby fire breathing dragon. The moment spike hatched Celestia was obligated to ensure all his needs were to be meet since she was the one who used the egg as a means of testing. But it is true when you think about it they do leave a 9 year old alone by himself everytime they go on a adventure. But Cherilee could have approached twilight with her concerns first if they weren't addressed then taken it too the next step. Hands down thou Rarity uses child labor ... I mean she makes him dig holes for jewels and uses his body as a pincussion and she uses sex appeal to get him to do her favors.
Sorry I should clarify what i meant ....Twilight does her negligence out of ignorance due to her sheltered upbringing ... Celestias like 1000+ years old and should definently of known better if anyone should be on trial its her.
8271682
especially since Celestia knows all about what Spike does for Twilight
Real childhood... How many dragons, griffons, minotaurs, etc. Does Cherilee know? Surely it's not that bad... To take Spike away from his family... Or at last is what seems to happen by the synopsis.
8271941
It's a translation. Did you expect perfect grammar?
8272834
I never go into a story online expecting perfect grammar. But regardless of whether it is a translation or not, the grammar is abysmal and requires improvement. Translation is not an excuse for a story to have bad grammar, it's a reason to celebrate one with good grammar.
8271941
My friend, please, stop! It's against the United Nations Declaration of Human Rights to own people like this!
Some grammer mistakes but I understand what you meant. Can't wait till the next chapter.
8272848
Should I just assume that you say that when someone talks to you in broken english?
8273982
To quote my comment;
I was talking about published works, which should be edited with regards to the language they are to be published in. Further, published works should have multiple drafts and multiple rounds of editing. With spoken word, I am more willing to tolerate errors in syntax, because it is quite frankly, a first draft. Additionally, for non-native speakers, I am even more forgiving because there is little-to-no chance for the speaker to revise multiple times, or seek outside assistance.
I was visibly wincing at how Celestia tore into Twilight.
Your gramma is better then mine, that's for sure. You are missing a few Words but's all. Also, I don't feel bad for Twilight but I feel bad for Spike.
Still think celestia needs to shut the hell up like i said before she made a child take care of a child and she judges twilight who had the social maturity of a lemon at the time she hatched spike now thats child abuse thatd be like a mother having a kid and having a 12 year old raise it. She's also the one who sent twilight to ponyvile to quote on quote make friends and fight her estranged sister which coulda got her hurt or worse ... yah celestia your no winner yourself. I hope twilight let's it slip about how she was pretty much groomed to be a weapon by celestia since childhood she's been used against nightmare moon , a dragon , discord , chrysalis , sombra. I hope they go after her for raising child soldiers.
This is one of those cases where the wrong may have been done by the caretaker (Twilight) but neither her nor Spike knew any better, or if Twilight did know better she also showed care for Spike when she could, and Spike could have easily been doing what he was out of love/appreciation for Twilight and her friends.
Cheerilee was right to be concerned, but she should have talked with both Twilight and Spike before getting CPS involved, as Twilight has always seemed like she would be one to never intentionally do anything bad to Spike and same with her friends. This is the main issue I have with things like CPS, they can take a kid from a loving home just cause of one mistake or whatever and do more harm then good because they think they know what is "best for the children".
Not a bad little fic I wil admit. Not deserving of that many down votes. Despite the few spelling and grammar problems it's still a decent read. All the characters are in my opinion likeable and understandable, even the ones in the wrong. Can't wait to see how this progresses, hopefully Spike and his friends can make up, but if you do do that, make it believable, and don't skimp out just cause it's what we want.
8276437
I second this.
As a teacher she had a duty to report to the cps. Or at least you do in the uk.
Been a few cases over the years where teachers ingnored it and bad stuff has happened. Been hammered into there contracts and training now. You suspect something? Even if it's probably a misunderstanding. Report it.
Somebody else's job to see if it's actually abuse.
8277193
Dammit I hate to say it but you're right. Teachers DO have that in their contracts now, don't they?
8271635
Unfortunately this argument doesn't really hold weight to it.
1: "he's the one volunteering for all those chores and how Twilight once went to find an additional helper so he'd have more free time."
Spike has very obviously been indoctrinated when it comes to being Twilight's assistant. As he say's he is used to doing it, and has been doing it for years. Spike doesn't realize he's being used because for him this is how life has always been and his limited social interaction with others his own age means he's unaware it's not normal for a child to be given so much work.
That episode also REALLY shows that Spike's self worth seems to be tied to his position. He values it like a treasure to the point he will harm anyone who threatens it. His worse fear is Twilight telling him she doesn't need him anymore and sending him away because of it. Implying he full believes that if he isn't her assistant Twilight will stop loving him and throw him out.
2: he's allowed to leave at any time he wishes, as shown during the Dragon Migration.
Pretty sure Twilight fully expected him to come back when he left for the Dragon Migration. It's not like he was moving out. He was just going on a quest to find out more about his heritage.
8272242
True. We have no idea what a childhood is like for a dragon. But Spike never lived with dragons so from Cheerilee's perspective Spike's life should be equal to that of a pony foil his age.
Which given the enormous amount of manual labor he's required to do on a daily basis for both Twilight and for her friends (whom are not his family), the amount of time Twilight leaves him unsupervised to go on a mission, and the fact he doesn't go to school (Spike say's Twilight home school's him but considering how often she is gone i doubt she has done much lately) likely qualifies as neglect and exploitation under Equestrian law.
8271947
Fully agree. Celestia basically gave a baby to a child to raise on her own and then did nothing to help raise said child him outside of Twilight not having to worry about money due to being at a private school.
Celestia pretty much created this problem herself and I really hope Twilight brings up this point to her.
8276437
Indeed. The only character I have a hard time sympathizing with is Celestia. She largely created this problem herself and while she does say she blames herself her rage at Twilight seems too extreme considering she should be kicking herself more then Twilight.
This is a interesting fic. If a bit light on substance. I was wondering if you would at all be angry if I uses this as inspiration for my own version of this story?
8278593
She wouldn't stop loving him. She made that clear several times over. And they actually didn't intervene in the dragon migration to convince him to come back. Yeah, they were crushed he wanted to stay with the dragons and blamed themselves, but when did they step in directly? When he was threatened.
See, if you argue Twilight might do horrible things she hasn't done, you're getting into thought crime territory.
Also, if they try to convince him he has been brainwashed and Twilight has forced all those things he said he was glad to do on him, they'll destroy the bond they had. Do you really believe Twilight would've what, punished him for slacking off or something? There's zero evidence for that.
8276081
This. She's horrible. She even barely kept herself from hurting Twilight. This Celestia is a horrible, horrible being who should not be a princess.
8276437
Likeable? What? Most of them are horrible. I feel the most for Twilight. Bonnie and Lyra are okay. The rest can jump off a bridge.
Edit: Okay, calmed down a bit. I'm still angry at most of the characters, and if this goes on, I don't think I'll enjoy any of what's to come.
8276081
There is one more thing to consider. Remember Spike At Your Service? Where Twilight was swamped with reading assignments, to the point she didn't notice her surroundings anymore?
Who gave her that assignment again..? Oh right. Celestia.
Celestia is the reason Twilight doesn't have any free time for Spike.
8278608
Twilight is the student of Celestia, sure they have their own schedule, but not sure if Cherilee even tested Spike. And even so if he should be a little behind, it's not reason to take him from his family.
Sure, he have some labor but it's not that bad... I don't see Cherilee having problems with Apple Bloom and i'm sure that she help AJ a little if the episode when DT was punished is a idea of her daily chores.
8278763
Good point. Are they going to take Apple Bloom away from her family next?
On the other hand, Twilight in this story is very out of character as it is. She supposedly thinks it's more important for Spike to do housework than learn anything. Let that sink in.
8278697
You are right that Twilight would not stop loving Spike, and no i do not believe Twilight would punish Spike simply for slacking off.
That's not the problem. The problem is that Spike seems to have it in his head that that is the case. Both the incident with Owluisious and the nightmare door hint that Spike see's being Twilight's assistant as being far more then a simple job and that if he isn't useful to Twilight she will get rid of him. I know full well Twilight wouldn't do that, but Spike seems to think she would.
In regards to the brainwashing thing. The brainwashing is simply the result of the problem. The solution for it isn't for them to convince Spike he's been brainwashed or to take him away. Twilight's mistakes are largely the result of ignorance. So the best solution is for Twilight to be made aware of her mistakes and re-adjust her and Spike's lifestyle to be more like a normal child.
Removing him permanently should only be done if Twilight is either unwilling to change or unable. And given her distress at having Spike taken away it seems more then likely she would be willing to make what ever changes she had to too get him back.
8278777
That makes more sense.
Another thing that has to change is Celestia's treatment of Twilight. Like I noted above, her schedule often doesn't permit much in the way of housekeeping, and Celestia is the one who ultimately sets Twilight's assignments.
That doesn't change what a horrible being Celestia here is, of course. She shouldn't be anywhere near her student or Spike or anyone, really. She doesn't deserve it.
8278876
Maybe both of their 'Out of character' things is from stress? That is the mild option, that in stress they do bad choices.
Is that or say that they are like that or the author just decide to put them in a bad light.
8278660
Sure go ahead. In fact I took inspiration from another story as well
8279117
Thanks. When using another story for inspiration I always like to ask first just in case.
Celestia should give Twilight a lighter workload. I didn't know Spike attended school in Canterlot.
You ever go back and re-do chapter one?
SERIOUSLY DAWG!!!!!!?!?!??!!
So pretty much everyone who's closest to Spike is all to blame?
Spike never had any parents only caretakers.
FINALLY a story that points out simply because Spike is happy being a used doesn't make it right
I mean if he's not taught any different then how can he know its wrong?
8289739
And pretty sh*tty ones to boot!
From what I can see, your actually doing very good for someone learning English.
With patience, and practice, I think you'll do good.
And trust me, your grammar is good compared to some others I've seen.
And on the subject of the story, wow, this is deep.
It's gonna be funny when they ask celestia and the school where they got the egg from and who the parents are also asking why didn't she contact the parents once spike hatched instead of pawning him off to a child. Was the egg abandoned meaning the parents are unknown, did celestia kill the parents and make off with the egg after combat, was the egg unfertilized making twilight the father in a messed up way. If it was the last option then twilight has a stronger case to get spike back since she technically fertilized it with her magic *shudder* so she'll win the case but get visits from child services to make sure she's corrected the problem but what can you do. Hymn...technically shining and cadence could take him he is a hero in the crystal empire and would be treated very well there and he's technically his brother.
8278706
Celestia is the one who put a newborn under the care of a mere child. You don't do that with a baby, but with a pet.