An Acquired Taste
“It is much safer to be feared than loved.”
—Machiavallo, The Princess.
“I disagree.”
—Princess Celestia, The Princess Replies.
In the dead of the night, the sound of teeth sinking into flesh echoed around the corridors of the Castle, and Celestia’s pristine white coat met red for the first time in millennia.
She grunted, tried to pull—but pony teeth are not made to cut, they’re made to mush and break. It was a messy job, one that took too much time, and too much effort.
Then it was over, and Celestia’s head jerked to the side.
She munched.
And swallowed.
Silence reigned through the Castle once more, blood dripping through the corners of Celestia’s mouth.
Then she looked to the side and spat. “Luna?”
"Yes?"
"That tasted nothing like Earl Grey."
Luna blinked. “Wow,” she said. “Really? Are you sure?”
“Absolutely.”
“Well, that is just ridiculous.” Luna trotted towards the corpse, her head slightly cocked to the side. Her horn glimmered, and the moon shone brighter, illuminating the corridor a little better. “He even looks like the thing!”
It took Celestia a moment.
“What?”
“The corpse!” Luna pointed at the dead Royal Guard. “See? It looks just like the thing. It should taste like the thing, too.”
“The… The corpse.” Celestia squinted. “The corpse looks like Earl Grey?”
“Indeed! See? That bit over there, it’s exactly like—”
“Luna,” Celestia interrupted. “You have no idea what Earl Grey actually is, do you.”
“I assume it’s either a beverage or a noblepony, and it honestly works on both.” Luna pointed at the dead Royal Guard again. “See? Look at the blood under the moonlight. Doesn’t it look like a drink to you?”
Celestia looked. “It does not.”
“It does, too. Surely you jest, Sister, or you ate it wrong.” Luna stuck out her chest in a show of unabashed pride, and then pushed Celestia aside as she approached the dead Royal Guard even more. “Observe!”
And she kneeled down, and took a hefty bite.
Fifteen bloody seconds passed.
Luna swallowed.
And then Celestia just arched an eyebrow and looked at her. “Well?”
Luna looked back. “Um. Well.”
“Anything to add?”
“I…” Luna squinted. “I might have misremembered my cannibalistic days a little bit, I suppose. This is—maybe they changed their flavor?”
“Luna, you do realize we just killed one of our Royal Guards for nothing, do you.”
“It’s probably something in the food!” Luna said, kicking the ground a little, as if to accentuate her words. “Yes! That must be it! You need to feed your subjects better, Sister!”
“We just killed and ate one of our Royal Guards for nothing.” Celestia sighed and shook her head, blood still dripping from her chin. “I have to admit, Luna, this night has been nothing but one disappointment after the other. First we run out of tea, and now…”
Luna looked at Celestia here, and she seemed to make herself smaller. When she spoke, her voice was quiet, soft, innocent. “I’m sorry,” she said.
And Celestia, upon hearing this, immediately changed her own tone and waved a hoof in a dismissive way. “No, no, don’t worry. It’s just—I didn’t have my cup after dinner, Luna, and I’m merely in a bad mood. You are not at fault.”
“Really?”
“Absolutely. You tried to help me, too. Your efforts were just slightly misguided, is all—but I know your heart was in the right place, Luna. And that’s all that matters.” Then Celestia looked at the dead Royal Guard, longing in her eyes. “I must admit, I also let myself get my hopes up.”
“Hmm.” Luna visibly relaxed. She got closer to her sister, bumped shoulders with her almost subconsciously, and then looked at the dead Royal Guard too. “It’s a shame they don’t taste like Earl Grey, though. You wouldn’t have run out of tea ever again.”
“It would have been,” Celestia said, “an elegant solution. But alas, life is sometimes not easy, and we must accept its hardships.” She let a small smile creep up to her face, and chuckled. “Isn’t that what makes life beautiful, in the end?”
Luna chuckled back. “I guess.”
“Let that be a lesson, then. We don’t always have easy solutions, but that doesn’t mean life isn’t worth living.”
“Hmm.” Luna poked the corpse. “Should we clean up this mess?”
“Oh, there’s no need. We have ponies who do that for us.” Celestia turned around and walked away. “But we better not say this was us, I feel. It’d be too embarrassing.”
And so they left, behind them a trail of crimson hoofsteps, and a dead Royal Guard shining under the moonlight, his face forever frozen in a mixture of shock and surprise.
“It is much safer to be feared than loved.”
—Machiavallo, The Princess.
“I disagree. If you’re loved, they forget why they feared you in the first place.”
—Princess Celestia, The Princess Replies.
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"I don't agree with it either, but nopony else seems to realize it was supposed to be satire."
—Machiavallo, Reply to the Princess
As for Luna's modest proposal, as her sister said, her heart was in the right place. Presumably, so was the guard's
8245299
Boo!
*sighs* And now I have to execute them for cannibalism... DO YO KNOW HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO DO THAT WITH PONIES AROUND HERE?!
Bronies are weird!
8245299
It always was kind of odd how everyone takes that story seriously.
8245299
Not anymore, it's over there...somewhere.
...Okay. Wut.
And thus, nobody ever saw Flash Sentry again.
...and in the shadows, Twilight Sparkle sits catatonic.
While Spike ventures forth to ask the princesses, "Hey, are you planning on finishing that?"
Insta-favorited.
Well, this is definitely the first story that goes from quoting one of the most famous lines in Machiavelli's The Prince to cannibalism and disappointment that ponies don't taste like Earl Gray. You definitely have my attention after reading the first short story.
Okay, this was hilarious, as expected from Aragon
The quotes were the best.
8245299 Ha.
8245299
now don't go muddlin this with your fancy book learnin' none
Wow, I don't think I can even make a funny out of that. I got nothin'.
Lol wut?
You need to spice them to bring out that particular flavor, sugarcube
8246244
.... THIS MUST BE DONE!
Insta-faved, just because you didn't mention fucking Chamomile.
I swear, sometimes the Celestia interpretations can get so predictable.
A wonderfully creepy beginning. This is going to go to places, I can tell it already!
People always quote him out of context but Machiavelli said it was best to be feared and loved. Judging by Twilight's reactions to you, I'd say you pull off both Celestia.
8245299
Eh, evidence for that interpretation is sparse at best. It's not impossible but it's hardly definitive. There's definitely a couple jokes in the piece but that doesn't make the whole work tongue in cheek.
The way you say that makes it sound like that's the entire book. I'm imagining some 200 odd blank pages, and just "I disagree." at the beginning.
If the rest of the stories are going to be in the same continuity as that last quote, then good things are in store.
Although, since it's such a...for lack of a better term, Machiavellian quote, I presume The Princess Replies was a more...private correspondence?
The poor Princesses, everyone either assumes they're horrible monsters, or pathetically weak and completely useless showponies who get their flanks handed to them by snowy weather (the show hasn't really helped with that particular slant...).
Le sigh, so few can ever grasp the nature of the Elven folk. (That time Celestia took up the identity of Galadriel)
Thank you. Thank you so much.
Ya'll aware that Machievelli's "The Prince" was a satire piece, right. (Guy wrote like, 36 thick volumes, but only the paperback satire piece gets quoted from)
9490662
I’ve always heard it was an application of sorts.
9490662
9490688
It was something he wrote as like a parody or something, and he was against everything he said in it, and yet it became his most popular book. I'm aware of this, and I was when I wrote the story -- but the quote was good, so I didn't really give a shit. Plus, just because he didn't really believe in it doesn't mean he didn't actually write it, and it doesn't mean Celestia, in-universe, knew this at all.
Me: Reads chapter one.
"YOU HAVE MY ATTENTION!"
8245299
I see what you did there. Jonathan Swift would either be very disappointed in you for using his serious satire to make a cheap joke, or he would find it amusing. Of course, he's dead, so it would be rather pointless to ask him.
Oh great Celestia and Luna are cannibals and are so nonchalant about murdering and eating one of probaby many guards...
This is just like when they tried to cram Celestia’s last nephew, Prince Albert, into a can.