We Are Not Amused
This is what passes for a prince around here?
That was my first thought, upon seeing Prince Blueblood enter the tent. I mean, don't get me wrong, the guy had a few positive qualities: He was tall, broad in the shoulder, probably what passed for handsome among equines, stuff like that. But the guy was very clearly terrified. Not just of me, but of this entire situation. The moment he looked at me, personally, he looked like he might fear-piss himself so hard all of his organs might spontaneously eject themselves through his urethra.
I mean, I'm sorry, but this was a fantasy world we're talking about: A prince, or at least, any prince worthy of the name, should be brave, dignified, collected. This shitstain was anything but. He immediately started looking around at anything but me, hoping to find a way out of here, even if it meant Kool-Aid Manning through the tent walls. However, since the guards were positioned all about the tent, both inside and out, that wasn't going to happen. The only way out was the way he'd come in, and when he looked back, he blanched, as though whatever he saw there was at least as terrifying as being in the same room as I was.
As he finally walked fully into the tent, and his honor guard began to enter behind him, I saw why. I...
Rainbow Dash
Sex: Female
Race: Pegasus
Color Scheme: Blue coat with a rainbow striped mane and tail, red eyes.
Cutie Mark: A white cloud with a rainbow colored lightning bolt coming out of it.
Bio: Drafted into the Equestrian air force at a young age, she has served with honor and distinction, her accomplishments quickly netting her the title of captain. Has served as a continuous thorn in Sombra's side since the war began, and many of the victories won for Equestria over the course of the war can be traced, in part, to the presence of this aerial ace. She lost a wing at the battle of Fielder's Hollow, which has since been replaced with a metal prosthetic. The origins of said replacement are unknown, but it does not perform as well as the original wing. Regardless, a dangerous foe, and one of the few ponies in the military leadership worthy of respect.
Threat Level: High.
Maud Pie
Sex: Female
Race: Earth Pony
Color Scheme: Grey coat with a purple mane and tail, blue eyes.
Cutie Mark: A Rock
Bio: Sister to Pinkamena Diane Pie. A former rock farmer and rock expert, now serving as a soldier in the Equestrian army. While she is noted for having served with distinction, her personality has made promotion practically impossible, given that she has no charisma whatsoever, and little interest in anything other than rocks. However, she can reduce a boulder to a cloud of pebbles in a second or less, and possesses a sixth sense known to be present in the females of the Pie family. Most notably, her special senses are among the strongest exhibited in generations.
Threat Level: EXTREME!!!
Pinkamena Diane Pie
Sex: Female
Race: Earth Pony
Color Scheme: Bubblegum pink coat with a dark pink mane and tail, blue eyes.
Cutie Mark: Three Balloons
Bio: Sister to Maud Pie, she shares many of the same qualities as her sister, save for a love of rocks, and a less powerful sixth sense, mostly only able to sense immediate danger to herself or those immediately around her. However, she has demonstrated, on several occasions, a strange ability that allows her to temporarily bend, if not outright break, the laws of reality and causality themselves. How this is able to occur is unknown, and all attepts to study this ability have failed. She appears to do this unconsciously, for which I am grateful. If she ever gained conscious control of this power, she might very well become more powerful than even the dreaded Chaos Lord Discord himself.
Threat Level: RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!
Well, while I could have done without the trio of crippling migraines, on top of my other crippling migraine, the info was useful, at least. Based on appearance alone, I might not have realized just how dangerous these three might be, as, quite honestly, all three of them looked almost huggably adorable, regardless of the fact that one of them had a cyborg metal wing, and two of them were scowling in anger. However, with those little tidbits of data, I could now appreciate just how much power was now in the room with me. I'd need to make sure not to provoke any of them. Unless I could spontaneously gain full control over whatever magic Sombra had, I had nothing to protect myself with, should all three of those mares decide to try and assassinate me here and now.
Best to nip that thought in the bud.
"In case you were curious," I began, keeping my expression neutral, "Princess Celestia is well: Asides from severe fatigue, there were no injuries that my soldiers could see. A few days of rest, and she should be fine. And so long as no one tries to do anything... ill-advised, she'll be allowed to recover without incident." Translation: Fuck with me, and the princess gets it.
Prince Blueblood seemed too busy trying not to piss himself to notice this, but the expressions on the faces of the three mares were a combination of relief and frustration: Relief that their princess was alive, but frustration at the fact that they couldn't do anything to help her.
With a gesture, I calmly motioned to the chairs across from where I now sat. "Take a seat, and we'll begin discussing the terms of Equestria's surrender."
"Youcanhaveanythingyouwantjustdon'thurtme!" Prince Blueblood exclaimed in a single breath as he sat. He looked, for a second, like he was about to jump up and bolt out of the tent, but his honor guard, who had remained standing, all put a hoof on his shoulders, and held him down. The anger, frustration, and disgust on their features made it clear just how much they hated him for that one statement... and who could blame them? He'd just thrown Equestria under the bus to save his own skin.
The words of royalty have power. Even words spoken in frustration and not intended as orders are basically orders. They are inviolate: To go against even the least of the commands of a king is tantamount to treason, and in most monarchies during a medieval time period was punished by immediate execution. For example, Henry the Second's exclamation, "Will no one rid me of this troublesome priest?" He said this without intending anyone to take it seriously. This was taken as an order by several knights, who then rode off and murdered the priest in question, Thomas Becket. This would cause all manner of problems for the king afterwards. With this all said, anyone with royal blood is schooled to be very careful about what words they speak, even in private, to avoid situations like that.
Thus, it was not possible to take what Blublood just said as anything other than a legitimate offer. This gigantic, flaming douch-canoe had just said he would sell out his entire nation for a promise of his own personal safety. That's it. That's all it would take. He wouldn't even try to negotiate anything more (Although admittedly, things were pretty bad, and he didn't have much leverage, he still should have at least tried). A normal person without any sort of real authority might have simply laughed this off, and then tried to continue with proper negotiations...
Unfortunately, I am the king of Equestria.
"Very well, I think I can arrange something along those lines," I said, giving my best shit-eating grin. I had in mind exactly what I wanted to do to this cowardly piece of shit, and I wanted it clear that anyone with any sense would see it coming, so that Blueblood would have no one to blame but himself. Besides, if I was going to be playing the part of the 'Evil Overlord', then by all means, dicking this jackass over would definitely be 'in-character'. Turning to one of the soldiers stationed around the tent, I said, "Have someone bring pen and parchment. Let's make this all nice and official." The soldier nodded, saluted, and left to do so. As I waited, I took note of the expressions of all four ponies at the table.
Blueblood looked slightly relieved, but still terrified. Rainbow Dash and Pinkamena looked like they were ready to throttle Blueblood, but couldn't, since throttling a prince was treason, and they didn't want to be traitors, even at the moment of their nation's demise. Maud, though...
She just stared at me with a blank expression. I realized, suddenly, that her expression had not changed once since the trio had walked in here. I hadn't really taken notice of that before, but her face was so... blank that her poker face rivaled my own. Whatever it was that she felt, or thought, it was impossible to tell from where I was sitting, but it almost seemed like she was searching for something in me, and not finding it...
My thoughts were interrupted by the return of the guard with parchment, a quill, and an inkpot. After they were set down, I slid the items over to Blueblood and said, "We'll keep this simple. Write the following words: 'I, Prince Blueblood, acting on behalf of Princess Celestia, do hereby turn over the nation of Equestria, in its entirety, to the one known as King Sombra. In exchange for this, King Sombra will not harm Prince Blueblood, neither through his hooves, or any form of magic, nor shall any soldier he commands.'" If you can already see where all of the loopholes are in this lovely little statement, then congratulations, you're smarter than Blueblood was. Give yourself a cookie.
I was surprised to see Blueblood magically levitate the quill, and after dipping it in the inkpot, began to write. I wondered, briefly, if I could do that...
Telekinesis
Entry Level Spell
Effect: Used to magically move objects without touching them, it is the most common spell used among unicorns.
Activation Code: Think the phrase 'Ragglefraggle' while intending to do magic.
Deactivation Code: Think the phrase 'Fraggleraggle' while intending to end magic use.
Shit, I needed to quit thinking about stuff, or else my head was going to explode. Still, it was useful to know that I could, in fact, do that. When I finally got this headache to quit, and maybe got some headache medicine, I could start figuring out which spells were rattling around in this noggin of mine. Still, it shocked me to hear that was how the spell worked. Was all of it that weirdly easy?
After Blueblood finished writing down what I told him, I said, "Now, sign it, and slide it over here." He did so. I took a moment to study the writing on the page to confirm that he had, indeed, written everything exactly as I had stated it. It was... well, it looked like random squiggles, but my mind somehow translated this into actual words. While I'd be interested in knowing how the fuck that worked, I didn't have the time or inclination to see if another one of those painful flashes of insight might happen. Instead, I activated the telekinesis spell, as it was outlined to me, and used the quill and ink to sign the paper. Then, I handed the parchment to one of the guards, and said, "Go and have this put in a frame. I'm going to want to keep that as a memento."
I turned back to Prince Blueblood, and with a smile carefully crafted to convey malevolent, if not outright satanic, glee, I said, "So, Equestria's surrender to me is now official. Now, let me tell you exactly what your cowardice has bought you, dolt." I had meant to say 'Dumbass', but dolt came out instead. Weird. Did Equestria have a profanity filter?
Blueblood's expression of outright terror turned into one of shock and indignation. "You can't call me that..."
"SILENCE!!!" I shouted, shutting him up mid-sentence. "I am king now, Prince Buttmunch, and I can say whatever I please." I don't think that what I had intended to say in place of Buttmunch is safe to print anywhere, ever. But Buttmunch worked just as well, I supposed.
"My... my name is Prince B-blue..." he tried to stammer out.
"BY ROYAL DECREE, YOUR NEW NAME IS BUTTMUNCH, AND NO ONE IS TO SAY OTHERWISE!!!" I roared in his face.
The soldiers inside the tent, in unison, proclaimed, "All hail Prince Buttmunch."
At Blueblood, no, Buttmunch's shocked expression, I laughed aloud, and said, "Again!"
"All hail Prince Buttmunch," the guards repeated.
Grinning evilly, I said, "Now, just the ladies."
Four of my guards, and both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie of the Prince's 'honor guard' intoned, "All hail Prince Buttmunch." Maud Pie, however, remained silent. She was still staring at me, but I worked to ignore it.
With a chuckle, I said, aloud, "It's good to be king."
Yes, yes, I'm horribly immature, and easily amused. So? What's wrong with that?
"In addition," I added, my evil grin kicked up a step further, as I began twisting the proverbial knife, "you are hereby stripped of all titles, properties, and funds. They will be confiscated by the state, and used however I see fit: Maybe I'll give it all to someone who might actually deserve it. Maybe I'll sell it all and use the proceeds to build a statue of myself. Made of gold. Depicting me kicking you in the junk. Or maybe I'll build an orphanage with it: I suppose I could use some good karma at this point in my life. Regardless, you shall own nothing, and by royal decree, you no longer have the right to own properties, nor are you protected by the law. You are no longer a citizen of this country." It should be impossible for a white pony to go pale in the face, but Blueblood somehow managed it.
At that, Rainbow Dash suddenly raised her hoof. "Um, excuse me?"
Toning my grin down to just 'very happy', I tilted my head slightly, and asked, "Yes?"
"That means that he's no longer a prince, right?" the colorfully maned pegasus asked, cautiously.
"Indeed," I said with a nod.
She nodded back and said, "One second, please." She then punched Prince Blueblood so hard that he fell out of his chair.
"What... what do you think you're doing!" Prince Blueblood exclaimed, when he got his jaw back in working order. "You can't..."
"She can," I said, cranking evil back into the grin. "You're no longer a prince, and no longer protected by law," I continued, "so it is no longer a crime to hit you."
"But... but the contract..." Blueblood stammered out, weakly, his gaze going back and forth between me and Rainbow Dash.
I replied, "The agreement specifically states that 'I, Prince Blueblood, acting on behalf of Princess Celestia, do hereby turn over the nation of Equestria, in its entirety, to the one known as King Sombra. In exchange for this, King Sombra will not harm Prince Blueblood, either through his hooves, or any form of magic, nor shall any soldier he commands.'" Gesturing over to Rainbow Dash with a jerk of my head, I added, "Rainbow Dash doesn't fall under either category, nor does the overwhelming majority of ponies in Equestria. So, if every pony in Equestria wants to take a swing at you, they can do so without consequence. In fact, I could charge admission for right to do so." I smiled a little at the thought of that, then said, "But then, if Rainbow Dash just wants to go ahead and beat you near to death with the chair you were sitting in a moment ago, I certainly wouldn't stop her. I might even applaud."
Dashie had the chair up before I even finished the sentence, and began bringing it down on the former prince angrily, cursing (As well as Equestria allowed, at least) at her victim the entire time.
"You dirty *THWACK* cowardly *SMACK* rotten *CRASH* piece of filth!" she shouted. "You handed *SMASH* over your country *WHACK* to him without *BLAMMO* any consideration *WONK* to any of your *BAM* fellow ponies!" Here she paused, panting heavily, as the chair she held was now in pieces, and she looked at the results of her work.
I'll say this much for Rainbow Dash: She's in excellent physical shape, and her years on the battlefield made her more than adept at beating the ever-loving shit out of someone with a chair. Buttmunch might have tried to stop her, had her first strike with the chair not snapped the horn clear off of his head. After that, he'd tried to shield himself with his forelegs, but both of those had broken from the second hit. After that, she'd hit him in both hind legs (One hit each), leaving him flat on his back. The next three hits were targeted direcly on the groin, and the last one went directly to the face, breaking his jaw with a sickening crunch. The fact that Rainbow Dash then spit on him was just adding insult to injury.
Regrettably, he'd lost consciousness after the third hit, but when he woke up, he'd be in a world of hurt. I almost pitied him. Almost. If he could walk after this, it would be with a limp... and a high pitched voice. And he sure as hell wasn't 'pretty' anymore.
I later learned that Prince Blueblood had done absolutely dick all during the war against the true King Sombra. In fact, during a time period when nearly everyone else in Equestria were pulling together to try and defeat him and his army, Blueblood had spent all his days sequestered in his mansion. He gave no assistance to the war effort, not through direct aid or through financial donations. He sat back in his mansion, drinking wine and eating only the finest foods. He confiscated supplies intended for the war effort, and got away with it, simply because he could hide behind the title of prince. The only reason no one had beaten the shit out of him before now was simply because it was a crime to do so.
So, who could blame anyone for hating him, especially now?
Giving a slow clap, I said, "Excellent work. Now, if, when you leave, you want to drag him out and finish up with him, I would have no problem with that. Just drop his corpse into the nearest ditch when you're done. I think one of the guards can point you to a latrine ditch, in fact, if you'd like to go the extra proverbial mile." I paused, and putting on an expression of disgust that I didn't have to fake, I added, "I can tolerate a wise coward, or a brave fool. A cowardly fool, on the other hand, is beneath contempt."
"So, what happens now?" the one named Pinkamena asked, taking care not to look at the wheezing remains of Buttmunch. She may not have liked what Dashie had done to him, but she'd made no move to stop her from laying the smacketh down.
"A fair question," I replied, calmly. "This evening, I'll want every pony in Canterlot present to hear a speech I intend to give. I trust that there's a courtyard large enough at the royal palace to accommodate?"
Rainbow Dash, having gotten her breath back, nodded and said, "Yeah. The palace courtyard can hold every pony in the city and then some."
"Fantastic," I said, putting a small smile on my face. "Then I won't have to repeat myself. I'll expect everyone, soldiers included, to be there."
I noted a disquieted expression on two of the three mares' faces. With a dismissive wave, I added, "And don't worry, I don't intend on any summary executions, or anything like that right now. I'm in far too good a mood for that kind of nonsense. Just be sure to be in attendance: I think you'll be very interested in what I have to say." With a dismissive wave, I said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do."
Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie dragged Buttmunch out by the hindlegs. I honestly don't know if they really did finish him off, or if they just left him by the side of the road, broken, beaten, but still clinging to life. I do know that I had it proclaimed, in every city in the land, what he'd done, the consequences of that action, and that he had no protection under the law, so odds were, if he wasn't lying face down, dead in a ditch, right after that meeting, he probably ended up that way eventually. Either way, I never saw him again. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Maud Pie, however, had stayed, not moving, not speaking, her gaze never having left me, even when her compatriot had been bashing the former prince with a chair. She'd just kept giving me that intense, silent, unreadable scrutiny. She'd stood there, alone with the one pony she ought to have hated more than anything, giving me the stare of hers. After a few seconds more of this, I finally broke the silence and asked, "Is something wrong?"
For the first time, she spoke, asking, "Who are you?"
A line from that brief description that had run through my head earlier came back to mind: '...possesses a sixth sense known to be present in the females of the Pie family. Most notably, her special senses are among the strongest exhibited in generations.'
Holy shit. HOLY SHIT. She knows something is up. Somehow, she knows I'm not the real Sombra! FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!!
Still, my inscrutable poker face remained unbroken, even if inside I was panicking. I took a deep breath, and then replied, "I am who I am. Right now, unfortunately, I am the king of Equestria... whether anyone wants me to be, or not. I must behave as such."
This seemed to satisfy her, and she gave the slightest of nods, and left the tent.
Well, the good news was, she didn't seem intent on ratting me out, blackmailing me, or striking me down. That was good, given that she could have Saitama'd me if she wanted to. The bad news, though, was that at least one pony knew that I was just a wolf in Sombra's clothing. My future would be in her hooves for the time being...
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I think the main thing fighting against you right now is your story description. Why did you capitalize every word? It gives the impression that you have no idea how to properly format a piece, on top of being hard on the eyes.
8190871
Thanks for the advice. It's been corrected.
cool, btw I added you to a few groups, keep up the good work!
Interesting so far, rather glad there is a profanity filter in this equestria, I always enjoyed creative, non vulgar curses.
I hope this sombra boops celestia's snoot just to confuse her.
Well another pearl in a pool of gold.
This fic seems to be good. Fav liked and followed, also added to my group.
8191469
Yup!
Now this, this is some high quality shit right here. And congratulations cause you got featured bro.
And now I imagine that "Sombra" has a mental voice that sounds exactly like Handsome Jack. Aaaaand, crap, now I imagine "Sombra" himself sounding like Handsome Jack.
I am completely okay with this.
Fucking Brutal what happened to Blueblood. Keep up the good work dude!
I love how the Pie sisters are described in the same way as SCPs. They even have object classes!
Can't say I hate what happened to blueblood, or buttmunch as he's called or whatever, but awesome story so far!!!
This is glorious! Much better than I expected going into this. Keep up the fantastic work!
how about "your worst nightmare." or "something worse than sombra."
For the first time she spoke asking "Who are you?"
"I am know by many names: Black Shadow, Chocolate Mountain, Thunder Lions and now King Sombra, but you, you can call me Tiffany".
jesus fucking christ, he may have been a sac of dicks, but damn, thats too harsh, at least make him be a citizen again in a year at least, he might mature in knowing what it's like to have nothing, then he might just act mature
8196846
News Flash he SOLD OUT his entire country, giving What assumed was Sombra to do what ever he wanted.
he didn't negotie conditions or any privliages for the ponies of that country, basicly he gave a tyrannt the right to say... Have every mare brought forth, branded, and turned to sex slaves, or every foal and filly be brought forth and used as experiments for hsi new spells or be sent off to the wilds alone.
If Sombra was that cruel or sick, if Sombra hadn't been replaced by this guy, things would been alot worst.
So yes Blue Blood SOLD every pony rights, lives, and very flesh to save his ass.
He got off lightly.
Gonna pick nits with you. Rainbow Dash is a captain in the Equestrian Air Force, correct? And as soon as the document was signed, Sombra became the King of Equestria, and thus commander of its army and all the soldiers in the armed forces, correct?
A much better loophole is the "Prince Blueblood" part. By this point he is no longer a prince and is no longer named "Blueblood."
Smart. Everything there is true, but doesn't give away anything.
*cough*
Doesn't that imply that he's more evil than Sombra, going off of the original saying?
I dunno. 'Wolf' seems to be giving yourself too much credit. MC doesn't seem the malicious/cruel type.
8196397 , Tiffany, huh? That's a... very masculine name.
8200411 Really, cause its a girls name.
All Hail Buttmunch!!
8201798 Did you just assume their gender?
8202595 Did you just assume that you could assume that they were assuming someone's assumed gender?
aside, I believe
He tried, you mean
just get rid of her simple as that
Honestly, as well as this story starts out, going with the "Blueblood is kind of a dick in one episode, therefore he is the worst asshole ever and everyone hates him the moment they meet him" thing isn't doing it any favour and is already starting to drag it down.
That it means this is yet another "psychopathic man-child in Equestria and somehow nobody will ever challenge it" story. There goes any interest I had. This chapter was complete garbage.
8200179 It comes from the phrase "wolf in sheep's clothing"
I do think it should've been something more along the lines of "Sheep in Sombra's clothing" though
soldiers that were commanded by EX-princess Celestia and Equestrian Citizens weren't included in the deal
The Question, loved that guy
As someone who read what this story was about, i find this one line to be ingenius, as the real Sombra is still out there but he will not be the one known as King Sombra
... huh
Nice!
Not particularly, he wouldn't have to beat her himself, after all. He has people to do that for him. Besides, even if she claimed he was an imposter, the guy has figured out how (sort of) to mess with the black crystals. No one will believe her. Even if all he does to prove himself is make crystals disappear since he might not know how to make the things.
Maud will be his wife!
He waved dismissively twice?
8526518
YES
This whole info thing is giving me strong "Tensei shitara Slime Datta Ken" (That Time I was Reincarnated as a Slime, it's an anime) vibes. I'm super excited to continue this story, seems awesome so far.
8526518
if that happens, Should I add it to the maudbra group, I mean on one hoof, its really just some rando in sombra's body, on the other hoof, Maudbra shiping is so rare, we take what we can get..
9770830
Hmmm, but if you tease something and it doesn't happen...
I do believe that's a great example of what "handing someone enough rope to hang themselves with" means. ;>