Yo, I'm gonna read this later, but just letting you know that; if you don't add your fic to the appropriate groups then you won't get nearly as many views.
I don't usually critique fics, but I felt the need to do so for this one. First, you need to slow your pacing. Nobody has time to remember and digest what's happened before the next thing happens. Use more descriptive words and sentences. Speaking of descriptive sentences, that brings me to my second issue. Don't use pictures. Most of us aren't children, so we don't need pictures to describe what we're reading. You could also double up and fix both issues if you take out the pictures and instead take the time to describe them. Other than these two issues, I can really get behind this story, can't wait for more!
No offense but that's a crappy dream house, one its boxy and two its green . I have problems with the colour green but on a house and that specific shade makes it look stupid. Good story though
818496 Here's the literal translation: "Some do not care here you would like, but the news but the news doesn't care about the story what do you think of my" This was a nightmare to translate. I have decent knowledge of French, which helped with it, bit I obviously messed up somewhere in there. Does anyone have an actual translation? (literal is word for word, while actual conveys the meaning).
Looking around at all of them I decided to speak up first. "So I think we all can agree that there are some questions that need to be answered so I say we take turns does that sound resalable?"
Sorry but I can't even get halfway through this... I'm already sore from all the full body cringing I've done already. And if you don't want to take advice on how to make your story bearable you don't deserve the views or likes it could have gotten. So sorry not sorry learn respect people who wish to help and fuck off.
i suck at gramar and i am lazy about it and shity but this .... boy this is some new level 100/10 if you want to go blind i recomend this story to read
Mate, I'm going to be completely honest with you right now and have nothing but criticism here so brace yourself....
I was not very keen on this first chapter. There was no romance in it what so ever. The only thing I saw was some fast paced, lust filled, clop. And the pacing of the story didn't make it any better. Now I haven't read the other chapters yet so take into consideration that these thoughts are from the first one only. Also I thought it was a little cringey on how the guy just up and kissed them and they didn't even do nothing about it. It was like some insert Anon for sex kind of feel which went against the feel of it actually being a regular story with some sex. Like I said before, I felt no romance.
Now looking at some of the other stories you are writing I'd say your getting a lot better at how you write but yet again I haven't went through much of them yet. But I would advise that you think about going back and perhaps re-writing some of your chapters. Specifically this one. I had to go back and re-write all the chapters to my Colt of Fire and Lightning story and I will admit, it took quite some time and got a little tedious but it was worth it as I put the skill that I learned into the chapters making them somewhat better. Now I'm not hating on your story because I'm still gonna read this, hell I might even put it in my tracking, but I would advise at least thinking on rewinding back and making a few edits.
How is this story after the first chapter? Just the way this chapter starts (including the pics for the hideous house, the ugly vehicles and basically how he's practically a billionaire) makes me hesitate in reading the story.
"Thirty days is what it will take but at that time I ask a promise you must make," She said with tears in her eyes. "For my cycle, that time will be and I ask that you mate with me,"
Smiling at her I stood up still cupping her chin I lean in and kiss her on the lips. She hesitates for a second but returns the kiss with passion. Pulling away to catch our breath I look at her.
" I promise that you will be my first, but how will it work I'm not a pony you won't be able to get pregnant from?"
Wait....he....he is in equestria for one. F******. Day and already wants to impregnate the locals?....O...-key? ...??????????????????????????? i mean sure hey there are ponies but they are nice so let’s fck em....literally
Flipping the safety off my Saiga I ran over to them yelling to get the big uglies attention. Luckily it worked one started to run toward me. raising the Saiga up in the air and. Blam The Chimera stopped dead in its tracks looking around in shock from the thunderous noise.
If I'm going to be stuck in this world forever I might as well get used to the idea of having sex with a pony or any of the other sentient species that live here./ As I laid in bed my thoughts turned to the girls. I know I just met them but there's something about them I can't get out of my mind. I don't know what it could be their eyes, the way they talked, their smell, boy did they smell good, their bodies. I mean I know I haven't been with a woman for five years but I just met them and God I just want to take each one and touch every part of their bodies, stroke their horns, fluff and preen their wings, ... No bad brain stop thinking sexy thoughts.
lift their tails and shove my ... No bad brain stop thinking sexy thoughts
So I put my shoulder holster back on and grabbed my Saiga kissing her goodbye.
oh i hope he means the saiga and that he puls the trigger right after *massaging temples* okey i have made 3 comments in ...what 10 min? i mean no harm but that first chapter? that does NOT help getting new viewers. even if it is a clopfic his desire get’s far to high faaaaaaaaar to quickly for a secluded person + his reaction to the ponies. no one, and i mean. no one would react that peacfully and accepting im going to read further but you could have made it more believable with one or two Tmeskips but meh
Yeah. I couldn’t read past the whole “Two Desert Eagles” thing. Unconventional, inconvenient, unnecessary, and honestly stupid. I just don’t understand why people love them so much. A pistol that fires a round HALF AN INCH in diameter is just as aforementioned unnecessary. Like bruh. If you want someone to seem “cool” for using a “high” powered handgun. Have them use a .45 auto or a 10mm auto.
I read this for five minutes until I realized that the main character has no personality past plot contrivance, the 'development' goes faster than a mastadon on meth and the only semi-detailed anything is the deafeningly useless double deagles and the sub-par sex.
Seriously dude, there's a tag for this. C'mon.
Edit: Welp. Should've read the spoilers, curse my lack of curiosity I suppose.
GOD PELASE! I am assuming you have gotten better with later chapters an all from reading the comments and with that being the case….PLEASE GO BACK AN EDIT THIS CAUSE HOLY SHIT MATE! I felt like I was reading a porn an not an actual story so quick past and shit like holy shit I was suffering just to read this so please go back an edit these or rewrite em probably rewrite em cause there is so much wrong here. I shall continue reading an HOPE it’s better but god damn that was painful to read.
P.S. I don’t mean my words to be taken as anger or rude just honest suffering that I had to get off my chest after reading that chapter.
Well while this is probably too fast on most accounts i am amused so ill keep reading for now.
8178989 Well considering how incapable they are, they have to justify their existence SOME HOW!
Also, Like the RV and LOVE THE FREAKIN' SECOND CAR!
1.bp.blogspot.com/-NLLvGJF1bGQ/ThIc0LDdOzI/AAAAAAAAAHc/-xH_YkazKhg/s1600/editor-wanted%255B1%255D.png
Keep it coming.
add a space por favor
Yo, I'm gonna read this later, but just letting you know that; if you don't add your fic to the appropriate groups then you won't get nearly as many views.
I don't usually critique fics, but I felt the need to do so for this one. First, you need to slow your pacing. Nobody has time to remember and digest what's happened before the next thing happens. Use more descriptive words and sentences. Speaking of descriptive sentences, that brings me to my second issue. Don't use pictures. Most of us aren't children, so we don't need pictures to describe what we're reading. You could also double up and fix both issues if you take out the pictures and instead take the time to describe them. Other than these two issues, I can really get behind this story, can't wait for more!
8182717 Quidam non est hic esses simillis, sed nuntium non curat fabula quis putas meae.
No offense but that's a crappy dream house, one its boxy and two its green . I have problems with the colour green but on a house and that specific shade makes it look stupid. Good story though
8182750
my latin is rusty, but what I think what he is trying to say is that he dont give no shits about what you say about his fic
8184963 Bravo I just want them to work for it.
That was so awesome so far can't wait to see what's next.
818496
Here's the literal translation:
"Some do not care here you would like, but the news but the news doesn't care about the story what do you think of my"
This was a nightmare to translate. I have decent knowledge of French, which helped with it, bit I obviously messed up somewhere in there. Does anyone have an actual translation? (literal is word for word, while actual conveys the meaning).
Resonable
Sorry but I can't even get halfway through this...
I'm already sore from all the full body cringing I've done already.
And if you don't want to take advice on how to make your story bearable you don't deserve the views or likes it could have gotten.
So sorry not sorry learn respect people who wish to help and fuck off.
You got the heights of ponies wrong the ponies are only 3 feet tall. cause science.
i suck at gramar and i am lazy about it and shity but this .... boy this is some new level 100/10 if you want to go blind i recomend this story to read
Why give him a bunker if he's just going to fuck ponies all day?
Rainbows Ego is so Big even she cant fit in the picture! ... What a Chapter!
The plot of the story seems more like a thinly veiled excuse so the MC can fuck the equestrians.....
So after reading one chapter i am sure that this fic is not worth reading further....
0/5
Those first 3 pics made me came
... your dream house has barbed wire? Are you a supervillain?
Mate, I'm going to be completely honest with you right now and have nothing but criticism here so brace yourself....
I was not very keen on this first chapter. There was no romance in it what so ever. The only thing I saw was some fast paced, lust filled, clop. And the pacing of the story didn't make it any better. Now I haven't read the other chapters yet so take into consideration that these thoughts are from the first one only. Also I thought it was a little cringey on how the guy just up and kissed them and they didn't even do nothing about it. It was like some insert Anon for sex kind of feel which went against the feel of it actually being a regular story with some sex. Like I said before, I felt no romance.
Now looking at some of the other stories you are writing I'd say your getting a lot better at how you write but yet again I haven't went through much of them yet. But I would advise that you think about going back and perhaps re-writing some of your chapters. Specifically this one. I had to go back and re-write all the chapters to my Colt of Fire and Lightning story and I will admit, it took quite some time and got a little tedious but it was worth it as I put the skill that I learned into the chapters making them somewhat better. Now I'm not hating on your story because I'm still gonna read this, hell I might even put it in my tracking, but I would advise at least thinking on rewinding back and making a few edits.
Anyway sorry for the long criticism, have a pie~
How is this story after the first chapter? Just the way this chapter starts (including the pics for the hideous house, the ugly vehicles and basically how he's practically a billionaire) makes me hesitate in reading the story.
i.imgur.com/7nPIzZg.jpg
sd.keepcalm-o-matic.co.uk/i/wow-that-escalated-quickly.png
Wait....he....he is in equestria for one. F******. Day and already wants to impregnate the locals?....O...-key?
...???????????????????????????
i mean sure hey there are ponies but they are nice so let’s fck em....literally
...blam...Blam...BLAM!!!
pbs.twimg.com/profile_images/474032711292964864/XuE7lwao.jpeg
after..........meeting them......... just...now.......................................................................................
78.media.tumblr.com/4ca790c631744fc81818c9d70810ff5e/tumblr_ngzyisGjC71rse905o1_500.gif
oh i hope he means the saiga and that he puls the trigger right after *massaging temples* okey
i have made 3 comments in ...what 10 min? i mean no harm but that first chapter? that does NOT help getting new viewers.
even if it is a clopfic his desire get’s far to high faaaaaaaaar to quickly for a secluded person + his reaction to the ponies.
no one, and i mean. no one would react that peacfully and accepting
im going to read further but you could have made it more believable with one or two Tmeskips but meh
OH MY FUCKING GOD PLEASE LET ME EDIT THIS ITS SO BAD AND I WANT TO READ IT BUT I CAN'T BECAUSE YOUR GRAMMAR IS SUCH SHIT
8728115
Ah I see you are a man of culture as well
Who else thought of the line from tf2’s meet the medic “now, let’s go practice medicine”
Yeah. I couldn’t read past the whole “Two Desert Eagles” thing. Unconventional, inconvenient, unnecessary, and honestly stupid. I just don’t understand why people love them so much. A pistol that fires a round HALF AN INCH in diameter is just as aforementioned unnecessary. Like bruh. If you want someone to seem “cool” for using a “high” powered handgun. Have them use a .45 auto or a 10mm auto.
Seems like he rushed the shit outa this stort
Lazy eye
Bro.
If you wanted to write porn, just say so.
I read this for five minutes until I realized that the main character has no personality past plot contrivance, the 'development' goes faster than a mastadon on meth and the only semi-detailed anything is the deafeningly useless double deagles and the sub-par sex.
Seriously dude, there's a tag for this. C'mon.
Edit: Welp. Should've read the spoilers, curse my lack of curiosity I suppose.
GOD PELASE! I am assuming you have gotten better with later chapters an all from reading the comments and with that being the case….PLEASE GO BACK AN EDIT THIS CAUSE HOLY SHIT MATE! I felt like I was reading a porn an not an actual story so quick past and shit like holy shit I was suffering just to read this so please go back an edit these or rewrite em probably rewrite em cause there is so much wrong here. I shall continue reading an HOPE it’s better but god damn that was painful to read.
P.S. I don’t mean my words to be taken as anger or rude just honest suffering that I had to get off my chest after reading that chapter.