"I don't have a home anymore they took it all away from me," She said dropping to the ground crying.
Don't get me wrong, the story is good, but I've seen this happen a lot! And honestly this time I can kinda understand it considering she was just a slave but its gotten to the point where I just roll my eyes at it. Perhaps changing it up would be nice... Instead of saying "She said dropping to the ground and crying," Perhaps say something like. "She said as her eyes welled up with tears sniffling from the events she has suffered through."
The way you have it every female in this story is just dropping to the ground like a Limp Bizkit, its way to over-dramatized and lacks emotion.
8585543 Well there is also the problem of seeing death first hand. Usually some scars are left over no matter how hard you try to suppress them. There is a good chance that she could be too shocked to even say anything... Whatever there are way to many things wrong with this story... Though, it is amusing to read.
8586375 It is a good story, and I try to help out where I can when I see something I find, off, about stories that I enjoy, I dont have all the answers but yeah, I mean even Gilda was falling to the ground and crying last chapter. It just didnt make a lot of since to me to have all the females falling on the ground just to try. lol
Gable meet shotgun. Shotgun meet Gable. BOOM
Damn I was hoping it would be Crackle would be the last one
Damn can't wait for the next chapter and one question when do they all go into estrus.
That was a awesome. read can't. to see the next chapter.this just keeps getting better and better.
A good garble is a wallet and a pair of boots
Don't get me wrong, the story is good, but I've seen this happen a lot! And honestly this time I can kinda understand it considering she was just a slave but its gotten to the point where I just roll my eyes at it. Perhaps changing it up would be nice... Instead of saying "She said dropping to the ground and crying," Perhaps say something like. "She said as her eyes welled up with tears sniffling from the events she has suffered through."
The way you have it every female in this story is just dropping to the ground like a Limp Bizkit, its way to over-dramatized and lacks emotion.
At least that's my point of view.
8585543
Well there is also the problem of seeing death first hand. Usually some scars are left over no matter how hard you try to suppress them. There is a good chance that she could be too shocked to even say anything... Whatever there are way to many things wrong with this story... Though, it is amusing to read.
8586375
It is a good story, and I try to help out where I can when I see something I find, off, about stories that I enjoy, I dont have all the answers but yeah, I mean even Gilda was falling to the ground and crying last chapter. It just didnt make a lot of since to me to have all the females falling on the ground just to try. lol