Cracked Diamond

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Comments ( 9 )

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TabithaTwichit

TabithaTwichit #1 · Dec 3rd, 2011 · · ·

The mature stuff's in the next chapter.

TabithaTwichit

TabithaTwichit #2 · Dec 3rd, 2011 · · ·

48579 Thanks!

Mazzyrazzy

Mazzyrazzy #3 · Dec 3rd, 2011 · · ·

"love can cause you to do crazy things. It [love] can lead to love, heartbreak, or even tragedy"

Basically in that sentence you're saying love can lead to love, which is circular logic and should be avoided. It'd be like me trying to give you a definition of something while using the actual word in the definition.

352 words? Surely you'll agree that this is a bit short? I'll let it go for the sake that this chapter was meant to be a prologue of sorts, but 352 words is simply too short to be taken seriously.

You write well enough... nothing too exceptional but this appears to be your first mlp story, in which case it's already above the bar from where most writers start. Also just a thing that I noticed: you indented the first half then left the second half unintended. What also needs indention are the speaking roles; even if they are only one line long, like in the first half, they still need to be indented as if they were a paragraph by themselves.

Don't take this as me bashing on you; I wouldn't even bother writing if I thought that you didn't have talent. I write in the hopes of refining skill that is already there.

mrheadhopper

mrheadhopper #4 · Dec 3rd, 2011 · · ·

are you
gonna make them get drunk or high n then make them have sex?

cuz

cuz that'd be
cool

I like wher ethis 's headed mannnnnnnnnnn

Therizzen

Therizzen #5 · Dec 3rd, 2011 · · ·

Seems like a promising story you've got on your hands, albeit the chapter seemed unnecessarily short, but lets hope it builds into something great ^^

Also, isn't pegasi plural for pegasus? Is that even a word at all, or does pegasus follow the plural form of moose, and deer, and antelope? I am not for sure on this