Or was it Dash?

So, uh… There was this filly. Well, mare now, but she was a filly. A beautiful, charming filly.

But she didn’t know that. I never told her. I was a colt! We didn’t share our feelings!

I mean, sure, I teased her, but don’t all foals tease their crush?

I called her Crash. Rainbow Crash. She was fast though. They didn’t call her Dash for nothing.

Wait, a story? You want a story. I’m no story teller.

Well, I could tell you her cutie mark story. Or at least what I know of it.

There she is, I thought, seeing Rainbow Dash fly in to defend Clutch- I mean Fluttershy.

“Leave her alone!” she said in her raspy voice. Her words echoed in my head.

“Ooh. What are you gonna do Rainbow Crash?” I queried, tempting her.

“Keep making fun of her and find out!” she proclaimed. You know, she had the cutest voice cracks… Right, back to the story.

“You think you’re such a big shot? Why don’t you prove it!” inquired Dumbell.

“What do you have in mind?”

Minutes later, we were at the race track. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention- we were at flight camp. And that I didn’t want to race her. Buuuutt Dumbell insisted I join the race.

“You’re going down!” I stated, to which Rainbow quickly responded.

“In history, maybe! See you boys at the finish line!” she bragged.

Fluttershy had the flag to start the race. Moments after Dash finished speaking, she waved the flag and the race had begun! I think I might’ve accidentally knocked Fluttershy off racing past her, but that could’ve been any of us. That part’s a bit of a blur.

Anyway, Rainbow Dash… Celestia she was fast! She still is fast! She was actually beating me and Dumbell. Then again, Dumbell was out of the race fairly quickly. He flew right into one of the pillars.

Dash is beautiful when she flies. She always has been. Right! Sorry. I told you I wasn’t a storyteller. I get distracted easily.

*Ahem* She seemed relatively happy while we were racing, and me, being the lovesick colt I was, decided to try and tease her (I also thought that if I won she might actually like me.) So I did what anyone would do.
I flew into her.

“Later Rainbow Crash!” I teased, flying ahead. I can’t remember, but I think she shouted “gay” at me. I’m not gay. I have never been gay. Pretty soon she passed me again, much faster than normal for a pegasus, and I spun out of the race.
I could see the rainbow. I knew she was the one who did it. She performed a Sonic Rainboom.

When I eventually got back to the track (Rainbow had obviously won), she was standing there, smug. There was a mark on her flank. Her cutie mark, a cloud with a lightning bolt in red, yellow, and blue.

“Huh. Congrats, Rainbow Cras- uh Dash. Guess you won,” I told her sheepishly.

“Heck yeah I did. Now you owe Fluttershy an apology. And you have to promise me you won’t tease her ever again!” Dash pointed out.

“I never said I’d apologize to Fluttershy.”

“You’re gonna apologize to her or I’ll pummel you.”

“I’m not scared of you.”

“Sure, you aren’t.”

I didn’t respond. Instead, I turned to Fluttershy. She had her cutie mark too. Three pink butterflies. I muttered an apology to her. She just nodded. Turning back to Dash, I gave her a look that was clearly said ‘There. I did it.’

“I promise not to tease Clutcher- Fluttershy ever again.”

“Good. If I catch you teasing her again, in spite of your promise, I’ll-”

“Pummel me. Yeah, yeah, I get it.”

“Actually, I was gonna say ‘hurt you extremely,’ but eh, close enough. And it’s a good thing you get it!”

“Alright, children. The race is over. Now, back to training! Especially you, Hoops,” our teacher said, staring my direction.

“Aw, man!”

“There. Are you happy?” Hoops asked, watching the strange mare who had asked about his foalhood.

“Oh. I suppose. But, why Rainbow Dash, of all ponies? Doesn’t she… strongly dislike you?” the mare answered, asking her own question. Her purple eyes sparkled under her cloak.

“If by strongly dislike you mean hate me with a passion, then yes, she does. But that might be because I started teasing her. A lot,” he replied, eyeing the mare suspiciously.

“And if you told her of your feelings for her now? Do you think she’d put that aside, and give you a chance?”

“Probably not. I was a bit of a… A jerk, you know? She’d probably laugh in my face. Or think I’m trying to trick her. Or both. Honestly I’d rather not risk rejection.”

“But what if she wouldn’t reject you? You’ll never know if you don’t ask her. I think you could give it a shot,” the mare said, lowering her hood. Hoops jumped back a bit when he realized he had been speaking to none other than the princess of love herself, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza.

“Y-your highness…” Hoops bowed low to her.

“No need for that, Hoops. I normally ask most ponies to not be too formal with me, and I expect you to do the same.” She pulled a letter out from her cloak, and handed it to Hoops. “I want you to give this to Rainbow Dash. Don’t open it. It’s for her eyes only. Don’t tell her who it’s from. Just give it to her. If you want to stay, that’s fine, but say nothing until she’s read the letter completely. Do you understand?”

Hoops nodded, taking the letter. He was about to fly off when Cadence pulled him back.

“Good luck.”

Hoops knocked on the ‘door’ to Rainbow’s cloud home. When Rainbow opened it, she almost slammed it shut on his face, until she noticed he had a letter addressed to her. She eyed it suspiciously, looking between it and Hoops, then waved him, reluctantly, in. She pried the letter from his grasp and opened it. Hoops grew uneasy, but stayed.

Rainbow put the letter down.

Author's Note:

I can't write 1st person
I also can't write stuff that isn't otp (at least not very well lol)

517 views

Comments ( 12 )

Viewing 1 - 50 of 12
- Newest First
- Oldest First

Hoops

Hoops #1 · May 10th, 2017 · 1 · ·

nebulaegalaxy

nebulaegalaxy #2 · May 10th, 2017 · · ·

8153737 bOI

Hoops

Hoops #3 · May 10th, 2017 · · ·

8153753 (Make me more for my next birthdy)

nebulaegalaxy

nebulaegalaxy #4 · May 10th, 2017 · · ·

8153815 no promises

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #5 · May 10th, 2017 · 1 · ·

Howdy! I noticed your bio says you're a subaverage female potato, and since I can't recall reading any stories by a subpar gendered root vegetable, I figured I'd take the opportunity now.

First off, you absolutely can write first person. In fact, I found the first-person part of the story rather charming. I honestly felt like I was in the head of an insecure pony discussing the memories of his first crush, and that's because you nailed Hoops' rambling tone so well. So, good job on that!

That said, I felt like the perspective was missing something, namely clearer insight into what Hoops was actually thinking in contrast to what he said. His words and actions suggest he's just being a jerk, and putting that insecure foal-crush twist is an interesting idea that I think needs to be fleshed out a little more. For example, is he just afraid to talk to fillies his age, like so many youngsters are? Show us that insecurity to make his actions look more misguided than malicious.

For example, after the race, Dash insists he apologizes to Fluttershy. His response, “I never said I’d apologize to Fluttershy.”, makes him look like, well, a jerk. Dash's following threat is a great moment for her character, but this line isn't so great for his. Instead, have him hesitate, instead of rejecting the idea. Something like:

“Heck yeah I did. Now you owe Fluttershy an apology. And you have to promise me you won’t tease her ever again!” Dash pointed out.
My heart stopped. I mean, Fluttershy's no Rainbow Dash, but she's still cute. “Apologize? B-But I-”
“You’re gonna apologize to her or I’ll pummel you.”

The shift to third person is, well, jarring, and the ensuing events are a little confusing. Why is Cadance there, and why is she so interested in setting up Hoops and Dash? It seemed like her actions were more in the service of the ship than by some character motivation on her part.

I'm not sure why this story is marked "complete," because you kind of ended mid-scene. Was that supposed to be suspenseful? Like, "What did the note say? How did Dash react?" That's not the feeling I got, and I'm not really sure how I would get there based on what you have so far. As it is, the plot just hangs there with no resolution.

Anywho, those are my thoughts. Hope you find them helpful, and keep writing!

nebulaegalaxy

nebulaegalaxy #6 · May 10th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8154457

I noticed your bio says you're a subaverage female potato, and since I can't recall reading any stories by a subpar gendered root vegetable, I figured I'd take the opportunity now.

Giggle count: 1

First off, you absolutely can write first person. In fact, I found the first-person part of the story rather charming. I honestly felt like I was in the head of an insecure pony discussing the memories of his first crush, and that's because you nailed Hoops' rambling tone so well. So, good job on that!

Thanks! I had to watch a lot of clips with him in it (painfully), but I'm glad it turned out!

That said, I felt like the perspective was missing something, namely clearer insight into what Hoops was actually thinking in contrast to what he said. His words and actions suggest he's just being a jerk, and putting that insecure foal-crush twist is an interesting idea that I think needs to be fleshed out a little more. For example, is he just afraid to talk to fillies his age, like so many youngsters are? Show us that insecurity to make his actions look more misguided than malicious.

I'll keep that in mind. Thanks.

For example, after the race, Dash insists he apologizes to Fluttershy. His response, “I never said I’d apologize to Fluttershy.”, makes him look like, well, a jerk. Dash's following threat is a great moment for her character, but this line isn't so great for his. Instead, have him hesitate, instead of rejecting the idea. Something like:
“Heck yeah I did. Now you owe Fluttershy an apology. And you have to promise me you won’t tease her ever again!” Dash pointed out.
My heart stopped. I mean, Fluttershy's no Rainbow Dash, but she's still cute. “Apologize? B-But I-”
“You’re gonna apologize to her or I’ll pummel you.”

Writing him acting like a jerk seemed more in character, but I guess not, hm? (Giggle count: 2)

The shift to third person is, well, jarring, and the ensuing events are a little confusing. Why is Cadance there, and why is she so interested in setting up Hoops and Dash? It seemed like her actions were more in the service of the ship than by some character motivation on her part.

Cadance was looking for a match for Rainbow (it delves into one of my headcanons for her a bit, which I guess not many would know), and she figured Hoops matches her personality well. So a bit of both

I'm not sure why this story is marked "complete," because you kind of ended mid-scene. Was that supposed to be suspenseful? Like, "What did the note say? How did Dash react?" That's not the feeling I got, and I'm not really sure how I would get there based on what you have so far. As it is, the plot just hangs there with no resolution.

It was supposed to be open to interpretation. I'm sorry if it didn't seem that way D:

Anywho, those are my thoughts. Hope you find them helpful, and keep writing!

They were very helpful! I'm happy for any criticism, as it helps me improve

Hoops

Hoops #7 · May 11th, 2017 · 1 · ·

8154408 Honestly I don't care if u don't

nebulaegalaxy

nebulaegalaxy #8 · May 11th, 2017 · · ·

8154717 ;3

randome284

randome284 #9 · Jun 9th, 2017 · · ·

Ooh, this was interesting! I really enjoyed it. But why's that incomplete tag there? You do know that I want more, don't you? Will there be any continuation? It honestly deserves it.