7945703 If you mean Scootaloo's Master, then it's coincidental. I am familiar with that fic, but I've never read it. I actually drew more of my ideas from a series of Allyster-black images on derpibooru than anything else, as well as an old fearingfun image of Sweetie Belle being raped, (though I don't plan on going as dark as what that image implied.) The rest just came from my head.
A few minor errors: "For the first few minutesCOMMA NEEDED HERE she just stroked at her friend’s folds awkwardly while occasionally pushing her tongue in." "When he was done with her, he cleaned his cocked which was covered in his own cum."
The end of the scoots scene felt odd without actually having the bit where she swallows. Surely, he actually cares that she does, and doesn't walk away before seeing her do it. Also, I guess Onyx didn't feel like plowing Sweetie's ass despite it rubbing against his cock? Seemed a little odd. Other than that, this is a pretty good chapter.
7952633 I'm glad you liked it. The first corrections have been made, thanks as always. To clear up the confusion about Scootaloo swallowing, I changed the period there to an ellipsis. The idea there was that she is swallowing in the pause in his speech, but I don't think I was very clear about that. As for Onyx not ass raping Sweetie Belle, he's thinking long term. It's basically the opposite of what happened with Scootaloo last chapter, where she was punished for misbehaving. If he wants Sweetie Belle to be an obedient slave, he needs to teach her that 'it's in her own best interest to behave.' So, if she does as she's told, he's gentler with her. Also, if you don't mind adding to that critique you left, how did you feel about the clop scenes in this chapter? I tried to make them a bit longer and more detailed this chapter like you suggested. Am I on the right track, or does that still need work?
7952698 The SweetieBloom part was great. The Scoots scene felt a tad awkward to me, mainly again the focus on her having already done stuff with Rumble and then the confusion about swallowing at the end (the "climax", orgasm or not, of a clop scene is probably the most important part). The Sweetie scene at the end just felt short.
8051851 Because he's the true type of villain. Actually competent, and he acts nice to them instead of rough handling like the others. He understands that in order to fully break a person you must be patient, and smart.
I love assholes like Onyx. You know he's the worst of the worst but the, in my head, sound of his smooth voice dripping with false care and knowing what his intentions are make his facade all the better.
11025961 "I absolutely HATE that you have the same name as me. I'm going to tear your throat out now." -My Onyx when confronting this story's Onyx. Preferably while slowly crushing his neck.
I don't know how I could say it, but the more I read this, the more i hope for a happy ending that they get saved
You know, the more I read this, the more I seem to find similarities between this and SM. Coincidence?
7945703
If you mean Scootaloo's Master, then it's coincidental. I am familiar with that fic, but I've never read it. I actually drew more of my ideas from a series of Allyster-black images on derpibooru than anything else, as well as an old fearingfun image of Sweetie Belle being raped, (though I don't plan on going as dark as what that image implied.) The rest just came from my head.
7945665
You're certainly not alone on that, based on the comments I regularly receive.
YAY! New Chapter!
7945885
I hope you enjoy it!
Moar plot less clop?
7945945
I'm really glad that you are able to enjoy it.
7946897
The ratio is going to be similar going forward.
A few minor errors:
"For the first few minutesCOMMA NEEDED HERE she just stroked at her friend’s folds awkwardly while occasionally pushing her tongue in."
"When he was done with her, he cleaned his cocked which was covered in his own cum."
The end of the scoots scene felt odd without actually having the bit where she swallows. Surely, he actually cares that she does, and doesn't walk away before seeing her do it. Also, I guess Onyx didn't feel like plowing Sweetie's ass despite it rubbing against his cock? Seemed a little odd. Other than that, this is a pretty good chapter.
7952633
I'm glad you liked it. The first corrections have been made, thanks as always. To clear up the confusion about Scootaloo swallowing, I changed the period there to an ellipsis. The idea there was that she is swallowing in the pause in his speech, but I don't think I was very clear about that. As for Onyx not ass raping Sweetie Belle, he's thinking long term. It's basically the opposite of what happened with Scootaloo last chapter, where she was punished for misbehaving. If he wants Sweetie Belle to be an obedient slave, he needs to teach her that 'it's in her own best interest to behave.' So, if she does as she's told, he's gentler with her.
Also, if you don't mind adding to that critique you left, how did you feel about the clop scenes in this chapter? I tried to make them a bit longer and more detailed this chapter like you suggested. Am I on the right track, or does that still need work?
7952698
The SweetieBloom part was great. The Scoots scene felt a tad awkward to me, mainly again the focus on her having already done stuff with Rumble and then the confusion about swallowing at the end (the "climax", orgasm or not, of a clop scene is probably the most important part). The Sweetie scene at the end just felt short.
7954567
Ok, thanks.
Onyx is probably my favourite out of the three, even though he seems to be the worst and most evil one. Idk why I like him.
8051851
Prolly BECAUSE he's so crazy. 'T's why I like him.
Viva La Resitance oh and KNIFE!
8051851
He has a Svengali vibe around him.
8051851
Because he's the true type of villain. Actually competent, and he acts nice to them instead of rough handling like the others. He understands that in order to fully break a person you must be patient, and smart.
I love assholes like Onyx. You know he's the worst of the worst but the, in my head, sound of his smooth voice dripping with false care and knowing what his intentions are make his facade all the better.
11020900
He was sure as hell fun to write
11025961
"I absolutely HATE that you have the same name as me. I'm going to tear your throat out now."
-My Onyx when confronting this story's Onyx. Preferably while slowly crushing his neck.