7860111 Thanks for the continued feedback. I'll definitely have to keep that pacing critique in mind. Be sure to let me know what you think of the second chapter if you read it
This is pretty good, but it seems to skip over a few details (like what suggestions Onyx gave Sweetie), which makes the clop worse.
Also, you might want a proofreader that's good with punctuation. This snippet here:
“I think it’s time we introduced ourselves to our cute little guest,” The black one said nodding to his companion. The other stallion, taking the hint spoke up as well, “Umber” The first stallion rolled his eyes at the curt introduction, “And I am Onyx pleased to meet you.” Sweetie again tried to speak through her gag.
Should be:
“I think it’s time we introduced ourselves to our cute little guest”, the black one said, nodding to his companion. The other stallion, taking the hint, spoke up as well: “Umber.” The first stallion rolled his eyes at the curt introduction. “And I am Onyx, pleased to meet you.” Sweetie again tried to speak through her gag.
7860150 Thanks again. The scene with Onyx and Sweetie was done that way because I was worried that scene was going on too long. Guess I ended up having the opposite problem.
The title is missing an apostrophe...not a great way to start.
7859997
Shit! How did I miss that?
7860111
Thanks for the continued feedback. I'll definitely have to keep that pacing critique in mind. Be sure to let me know what you think of the second chapter if you read it
This is pretty good, but it seems to skip over a few details (like what suggestions Onyx gave Sweetie), which makes the clop worse.
Also, you might want a proofreader that's good with punctuation.
This snippet here:
Should be:
Oh boy oh boy, i can't wait for the other parts ^^
7860150
Thanks again. The scene with Onyx and Sweetie was done that way because I was worried that scene was going on too long. Guess I ended up having the opposite problem.
7860227
Glad you enjoyed it. As for the other parts, Apple Bloom's turn is coming soon.
7860551
Well I'm glad you were able to get something out of it. Thanks for reading.
7860926
Hello
7860451 good, yeeees very good >:3
Oh no...
Well...damn
I would be the shit out of those two stallions
In my opinion the Cmc are 12 years old (don't know why I said that)
8747736
I generally agree. I have them as 10-12 here
Nice to see fillies being defiled like all foals should be. Well done.
Oh my Sweetie Belle. This is hot.
9191171
Hehe, glad you are enjoying it!
9191171
Dude, did you actually jack off to this!? That's messed up.