Chapter 18
The Jerk
Chapter 18
The creature sat up a bit and resumed rubbing its head.
“Dear god, I am never doing that again.” It muttered, and it suddenly spat out a glob of blood complete with a small tooth. “Urgh.”
The ponies were shocked. There was some sort of odd creature in white metal armor that had just killed four or five Changelings guards and broken down a solid steel door. They were confused greatly. Except for a few certain ponies. Those ponies were, in so specific order, Shining Armor, Orange Specter, Heavy Shot, and Luna. Celestia stood up in shock.
“I demand you tell me who you are.” She glared fiercely at the intruder.
“Shut up bitch.” It said nonchalantly. “I’m here to rescue you.”
“I will not allow you to take any of my little ponies anywhere until you tell me who you are.”
“T-tia.” Interjected Luna. “T-that’s the human I told you about earlier.”
~~~~~
I put on an unamused look and walked forward to the pony princess, whose eyes were as wide as plates.
“I will END YOU!” I screamed, and grabbed the iron bars that composed the cell and began to pull on them and they began to bend under the force of my arms. The brittle iron snapped after a few moments and jumped through the hole.
“No one talks to me like that.” I said as I walked forward menacingly. She stood her ground, although I could see the fear in her eyes.
“S-Stay back.” She warned, and I kept walking. Without a seconds warning, planted her front legs and pivoted to buck me. I had already recognized the signs of a classic buck, and I could have easily dodged it, but I decided to humor her. The kick launched me crashing into stone wall and I crunched into the wall, leaving a comical indent. I fell out of the impression of me and landed on the ground not moving. Pretty much acting unconscious.
It was then that Luna began to chew her sister out.
“CELESTIA! WHAT THE FUCK?!?” She screamed in her royal Canterlot voice. Celestia winced at her sisters barrage and then retaliated when it was over.
“I WAS DEFENDING MYSELF! IT PLANNED ON HARMING ME!” She yelled back. I grinned on the floor.
“YOU JUST ANGERED ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL BEINGS IN EQUESTRIA!”
“I think not. I took him down with a simple buck.”
The two sisters turned around at the sound of my slow clapping and when Celestia saw my face she blanched. I was missing a few teeth and I had several cuts.
“Nice try. You almost hurt me!” I stopped clapping. “But no one ever attacks me without getting away with it.” I started to walk towards her again, and she charged me again. She launched a hoof at my face, and I could’ve easily blocked it, but I allowed it to land and knock me to the ground. I got up with a large hoof shaped bruise on my face.
“Resistance is futile.” I said in a monotone. “You will be terminated.” She hit me again, but this time I kept my balance and whipped my head back up. More teeth were missing and I had a black eye, which was bleeding profusely. I dropped back and a chair materialized beneath me, catching my fall. A wine glass appeared in my hand and I swirled it while adjusting my monocle.
“So how are you dear madame?” I asked with a french accent. She hit me again. The chair and my accessories disappeared as I hit the floor. Once again, I rose and I gave her a blank expression.
“Man, that last hit might have exceeded nine thousand joules.” I said, adopting a questioning look on my face. She hit me again. My face was now a bloody pulp.
“My dear, I dare say you really need to work on your anger management.” Her once confident look now had descended to one of horror. My face was unrecognizable. Just to say, I was in extreme agony right now. But I was keeping it hidden for the comedic effect.
“Might I inquire, madam, how much fun on a scale of zero to ten are you having right now? Because I am having quite the amount of fun out of this particular event!” I was once again hit by another kick, hitting me into the wall again. I fell down and made another quip.
“Great Scott! You nearly kicked me into last tuesday!” She wound up as much force as she could in her right hoof and hit me insanely hard. It hurt like a fucking bitch.
“You really need to work on your right hook. Here, let me show you how’s it done.” And I punched myself in the face. Hard. With a power fist. Let me say, it hurt more than anything ever. But it was worth it. She stared at me in shock. I stared at her, barely staying awake though the pain and blood loss.
“I never asked for this you know.” I sniffed. “All I wanted was to have a hill with a beautiful view of the sunset. With a little wooden house with a porch where all my friends would hang out and play cards and test. Oh wait! I have none.” I sniffed again. “And, you just broke my face. I don’t think I even have a nose anymore. I wanted to see how that orange flower thingy smelled.”
“W-what?!” Asked the now completely horrified and shocked Celestia.
“Do I have to repeat myself?” I deadpanned. Which was kinda hard considering I no longer had any proper facial features. And an overwhelming urge to strangle Celestia.
“Uhhh, no.... Are you okay?”
“Would you care for a coffee mug of tea?” I asked, snapping my fingers and a floating white mug with ‘coffee’ written on it materialized in my hand. It was filled with tea.
“Uhhhh, no.”
“More for me then.” And I opened my jaw. When it did, there was a loud crack and shot of pain that made me drop the mug.
“FUCK!” I shouted and dropped to the floor, no longer fighting the pain.
“Are you okay?!” She asked suddenly caring for my well being. Right after inflicting crippling wounds to my head. Right.
“OF COURSE NOT YOU FUCKING BITCH!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK! OH SWEET MOTHER OF FUCKING NIGGER JESUS ON A BIKE! OH DEAR LORD OF ALL THINGS UNHOLY! MAKE IT STOP! OH DEAR PISSING SNAKE GOD ON A FUCKING PLANE THIS HURTS SO MUCH!” I screamed, cracking my vocal cords and holding my face while blood ran down my hands.
“DISCORD! HELP ME!” Suddenly the pain stopped so abruptly, that I kept screaming for a few moments before I realized my body was no longer protesting my actions any longer. I inhaled after my long scream and shuddered as I still felt the remnant pain going through my body. I got up and dusted my shoulders.
“So.” Shaking my head. “Let’s get down to business.”
“D-did you just say Discord?”
~~~~~
Discord watched the entire spectacle as John talking down Celestia while she was inflicting major pain to his face. He even went so far as to punch himself in the face. Overall, Discord was enjoying himself very much. Truly he was a connoisseur of fine chaos. He liked that man more and more with each passing moment. When his companion began to scream in pain, he waited a moment, and when the human asked for help, he helped him.
Then, he simply got up as if nothing had happened and casually mentioned who he was working with. This guy..... This guy. The nerve of that guy! Such fervor! He loved it. So much chaos was to be had with him!
Taking Celestia’s reaction as his cue to appear, he talked to John for a sec. After hearing what Discord had to say, the human nodded briefly.
~~~~~
I snapped my fingers and an announcer's mic appeared before me.
“IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS OF FEATHERS, WE HAVE THE MASTER OF CHAOS, THE BRINGER OF FUN... DIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSCORD!” He appeared in a flash of light, waving to all the ponies. They booed him, and some of them had foam fingers that pointed down. How they have gone around to acquiring them was beyond me but probably it was chaos. I ain’t gotta explain shit.
“AND IN THIS CORNER, WEIGHING IN AT ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED THIRTY SEVEN POUNDS OF CAKE-”
“HEY!” She shouted, bulversed at such accusations. Maybe she was right. I’d give her only one thousand two hundred five pounds. Of cake.
I continued unperturbed. “The... Uhmmmmm... Discord, I can’t think of any titles for Celestia. What should I say?” He whispered something in my head and I continued announcing. “THE SOLE DICTATOR OF EQUESTRIA-” She interrupted me again.
“I resent that! Equestria is a diarchy!”
“Whatever.” I said nonchalantly and grabbed the mic again. “AND THE BRINGER OF ALL THAT IS LAME!”
“HEY!” She interjected once again.
“I GIVE YOU.......CELESSSSTTTIIAAAA!”
“LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMBLLLEEEE!” Right as I yelled the traditional fight line, Discord conjured a pair of boxing gloves and started jumping from foot to foot jabbing at the air between them. I walked into the middle of a ring that appeared out of nowhere.
“Okay guys, I want a nice clean fight, no below the belt, no cheating, no ear-biting, no leads in the gloves. And I mean it Discord, take them out.” He sighed.
“Aww fine.” He took his gloves off and after shaking them a few times a couple anvils fell out.
“Get into your corners.” Discord went back and Celestia was standing there, not knowing what to make of the situation. Luna was chuckling very heartily.
Suddenly a bunch of changelings burst into the room, scattering the ponies. “I dare say my good chaps, time to abandon this social gathering.” I said. “We seem to have party crashers, lads.”
“BY ORDER OF QUEEN CHRYSAL-”
“Lemme stop you right there. I have something to say first.”
“What’s that?”
“DISCOOOOOO PAAAARTY!” I shouted and a disco ball appeared out of nowhere and slamming into that Changeling and crushed him.
“Alright.” I said, turning to the ponies. “Who cut the tether cable?” Tapping my foot. There was silence for a moment. A small pony raised her hoof. I sighed.
“Alright, at least you admitted it. Just don’t do it again, okay?” I asked giving her a stern look. She nodded happily.
“Alrighty then, let’s get the fuck outta here.” I turned to Discord. “Initiate Teleport.Exe.”
“Loading Teleport.Exe... Loading.... Launching.... ”He said in an imitation of a terminal.
“Teleport.Exe is ready. Would you like to initiate primary protocol?”
“Yes.”
“Now boarding passenger group A. If you are in passenger group A please gather your belongings and report to launch bay Discord.” He said, with a flight attendants uniform.
A certain group of ponies wandered over to him and they disappeared in a flash of light. I turned to the princesses and Shining Armor, who had joined them in staring at the blatant display of chaos before them.
“What? Chaos is fun.”
“J-John! What happened to you?!” Asked Luna with a horrified expression.
“Nothing. Chaos is fun. I can’t really say more than that.” Discord chose that moment to reappear.
“Alright. Group 2, please come closer.” The next group of ponies scrambled over to him and he teleported away again.
“But.... But you are corrupted! Chaos is EVIL!” Luna said again.
“I’m not corrupted, I’m just having fun. Besides,” I raised an eyebrow. “How would I be corrupted?”
“Because chaos is wrong! It’s not right!” Celestia interjected herself, stamping her hoof.
“Have you seen the wasteland? Chaos is the ruling factor there, but somehow it manages to keep things in line.”
“B-but your world is not like ours. It has different rules!”
“How so?”
“I-I....” She had hit a wall, I could tell. I stumped her. “It.... it.....” She stamped her foot in frustration. “IT JUST DOES!”
“That doesn’t mean jack shit. Circular logic might work here, but not where I’m from.” Discord appeared one last time.
“Any last ponies, please report to Lost and Discord for pickup.” There were only a few more ponies left and they trotted up to him like their best friend. He turned to us.
“You guys coming?”
“Yea Discord just wrapping this up.” I said, waving my arm at him.
“Call me when you need a pickup.” He was gone and it was only me and the three ponies.
“Okay guys, before we continue, let me take care of these Changelings.” I turned to the two black insects were sitting there on a crate, playing cards.
One turned up to me. “You guys done yet? We want to get this over with.”
“Why haven’t you attacked us yet?”
“Because you are having a philosophical debate. One does not simply interrupt a debate of such caliber.”
“Well, you obviously know I am going to kill you unless you run.”
“Yup.”
“So run.”
“Yea, yea. Let us finish this game first though.”
“You got five minutes.” I said and turned to resume my conversation with the three ponies. They stared at me in shock.
“What?” I asked. “Is my glorious face too beautiful to stop looking at?”
“W-Why did you let them go?!” Said Shining Armor, after his bout of silence.
“Because they surrendered. I don’t kill enemies who surrender.”
“But they will tell Chrysalis where we are!” He nearly yelled at me, temper rising.
“I honestly don’t give a single fuck.”
“I’m going to stop them.” He said, and began to charge up his magic.
“Shining. Stop right now.” My tone becoming menacing.
“No.” He said in defiance. He asked for it. I slugged him across his face. When he fell to the ground in shock, she princesses started criticizing me.
“JOHN! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?” Luna yelled. Why were people yelling at me anyways? No, I am not shitting you. This actually all happened. If you don’t believe me, why are you still listening. Anyways, back to the story.
“Let’s continue this debate somewhere else shall we?” I suggested. “Oh Discord! Be a lamb and teleport us to base.”
“NO, NO, NO!” Shouted Celestia in panic. But one flash of light later we were in an immensely larger cave than the one we started out in. It was then, after another wave of nausea was fended off, I stood up straight, and there was a spike of immense pain in my head and I fell to my knees.
“Argh.” I said, clutching my temple. Luna looked at me with genuine concern for the first time.
“John? Are you okay?”
“Yea. yea. I’m fi-” I tried to rise again and the pain got worse. I screamed this time. I felt like someone was shoving bamboo slivers into my brain. Yes it hurt that bad. You want me to demonstrate on you how much it hurt? Yea, I didn’t think so.
“GAH!” I screamed again, as the pain grew in a steady rate. Eventually, I must have blacked out, because next thing I knew, I was in a bed that was t sitting in a small room.
“Urghh.” I said, shaking my head. There was no one in the room.
“Hello?” I called out, still no response. I swung my legs over the edge of the bed to exit, and found my brain hurting again, although not as much.
“Hello?” I yelled once again, and I heard footsteps in area outside just outside of the door, and a large purple and blue figure burst in.
“JOHN!” Cried Luna. “Thank the goddess you are alright!” I was gripped in confusion as she hugged me.
“Is there something I missed?” I asked with an upraised eyebrow.
“J-John.” She began. “You were out for about a month.”
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This chapter contained all of my wut. There won't be any more chapters too much like a trollfic as this one, but read the title of the chapter. It should explain some crap. Thanks to Cortex Repository for helping with the phrases and ideas.
1310026But when did he put it back on when he woke back up?
1315253 Yes, but I forgot to mention that transition. I will fix it.
IT WILL BE SO!
denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw732_43236_-_Alicorn_artist_huussii_celestia_grin_monocle_and_top_hat_tea_teacup.png
Our Hero everybody
And
Must be Luna and Twilight's big plot
i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/390/659/6c1.png
out for a month shit.
1316081 Eeyup. I wonder how shit has progressed.
1316269 well im thinking that the elements are dead or free one or the other discord and Celestia made a temporary alliance and much more shit has gone down from that point on but other than that being in a coma for a month and being from the waste's that would be nothing but a mere flesh wound or a good punch to the head am i right?
1316377 Yes.
1316405 so i was right about the elements? (please say no)
All of your wut is right!
And it was glorious!
But one thing bothering me still. He said that he doesn't kill enemies who surrender and yet he-............ Nah, you know what? Forget I said anything. This story has completely and royaly fucked my mind........ And I'm ok with that
1316440 No. You were wrong about them.
1316447 Tell me seriously.
I want to know.
1316456 okay i hate the thought of them being dead speaking of witch were are they?
1316469 You have to wait and see.
1316466 Like I said, forget I was going to say anything........ I was thinking back to when he killed Butch. Like I said, my mind has been fucked and you did warn us............
1316472 well you know got me annoyed but im happy that you've bin posting chapters every other day
.
1316490 Good. Goooood.
1316563 creepy.
Best chapter ever. Of all time.
.......
...............
.................
LAWLAWL
Got charged with chaos. Consists of harmony almost half the time. Teleported with use of chaos. Chaos poisoning
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I8W5SSu6gSk
I think this fits.
Hm... If there is detox, can there be dechaos ? Or rad away for chaos?
I don't understand this man's motivations any longer...
1318189 Good or bad?
1318934 I did not exactly understand his bipolar beatdown, mostly because no sane, or insane person would punch his/her own face with a powerfist. You couldn't even hype up a junkie with an endless supply of Jet/Psycho to make them do that.
1319050 Read the title of the chapter. On a chaos high. Chaos is different than drugs. Besides, I won't do any more chapters like this. I thought it was a bit over the top.
I think my brain just exploded trying to understand all of this.
1321976 My work here is done.
1316440
Yes, no, maybe, and a bit of probably.
And some perhaps and a little more of yes.
And don't forget about the no.
So there is your answer on wether you were right or no.
Love,
-Cortex Repository
1325000 you know that was a smart ass answer but funny to.
1325018
I was not trying to be a smart ass, my good sir, as I was speaking the truth and the truth only.
Take what I said before as an indication on what to expect in the next chapter.
Love,
-Cortex Repository
1325033 i will good sir and a fine day to you.
When is the next chapter comin out?
1325526 Sometime this week. Sorry, got caught up raging about HiE clichés.
was he possessed or some thing? why was he being a complete shit head?
1326475 You will see.
*suspense sets in. thinks for a moment* wait, CHRYSALIS IS BASICALLY DEAD? FUUUUUUUUUU-
1326534 But she is still technically alive.
It would be pretty cool if there was a moment when he is stuck between helping Chrysalis or dieing from the virus. Be cool to have a nice plot twist.
Holy motherfucking shit this was fucking hilarious.
Damn, thats a long time to be blacked out.