The Jerk

by Perception Filter

Chapter 28

The Jerk
Chapter 28

“Ugh! How much longer?!”

“Quit whining.”

“But I’m so bored!”

“Go fuck a duck.”

All traces of conversation evaporated into thin air. But it didn’t last long, unfortunately.

“Why are you so mean to everypony?” Twilight asked. I didn’t respond, opting to ignore her and keep walking. “Hello?” she asked, with kindness in her voice.

“Ah-HA! I got it!” I shouted victoriously, a grin coming over my face.

“You got what?” the lavender pony asked, her curiosity piqued.

“Horny. That’s your new nickname.” Twilight’s ears flattened against her head.

“Please don’t.”

“It’s too late, it’s your official nickname.”

“Woah there,” Applejack interrupted, “how come y’all get to name us, but we don’t even know yer name?”

“It’s John. John Johnson. Pleasure to meet you.” I said, waving my hand over my back half-heartedly.

“John.” Rainbow said my name and snickered. “John Johnson. What kind of name is that?”

“It’s a helluva lot better than Ms. Wings.”

“Can you please stop calling me that?”

“Okay, hows Skittles sound?”

“I like Ms. Wings more.”

“Too late.”

“Can you two stop bickering?” Rarity asked wearily, for once actually pitching in to the conversation.

“Nope. Less fun that way,” I responded happily.

“It’s not my fault he can’t call me by my actual name!” Rainbow complained.

“Stop bitching Skittles.”

“Stop calling me that!” she threatened, flying up to my face.

“And I said to stop bitching!” I said, shoving my hand in her face and pushing her to the ground.

“You still never answered my question,” Twilight piped in again.

“Oh? And what was that?”

“Why are you always so mean to ponies?”

“Please stop using ponies like that,” I groaned.

“Like what?”

“Like a substitute for the word people. It’s goddamn annoying.”

“Why are you so mad?”

“Why are you pestering the fuck out of me?”

“Hey!” Rainbow said, once again flying to eye level with me, but keeping out of strangling range. “You can’t talk to Twilight like that!”

“You really want to know? Do you honestly want to know why I’m always so mean?” I asked, stopping in the middle of the barren, old tunnel.

“Yes!” Twilight said happily, like she was getting a piece of candy.

“Three main contributors. The only person I have ever come to see as a friend, is fucking dead because of you fucking ponies and your goddamn magic. I’m stuck here, being blackmailed by your stupid princesses to help stop the Changelings instead of just sending me home, and lastly, there are hundreds of people on my world at this very second getting raped, murdered, abused, attacked, and plundered because I’m not there to help them. So you can’t talk to me about not being able to talk to someone the way I fucking want to talk to them!”

All was quiet. No one said a word, and Rainbow slowly dropped to the floor and sulked behind the rest of the group as we continued on our way. Soon, our small little tunnel blossomed into a semi-large cavern with a single friendly contact at the end. I walked forward heedlessly and saw a small yellow pegasus with a pink mane curled up on the ground, shivering.

“Hey, fucks. Is this Fluttershy?” I asked, gesturing to the vibrating pink and yellow ball that lay on the ground before me.

“Yes.” Twilight solemnly replied. Taking that in mind, I dumped Rarity off my back without crouching down and I easily broke Fluttershy’s chains. I poked her with my foot a little.

“Hey, wake up you little shit,” I grumbled, trying to rouse her. She uncurled slowly and yawned a small bit, and stretched out, still shivering. It was a bit colder in here.

“Hey, don’t talk to Fluttershy like that! She doesn’t even deserve it.” Rainbow jumped up again, getting angry, but then losing some of it at the end of her small speech.

“I don’t give a damn. You fucking ponies are all the same. That includes curtain-face over here,” I said, gesturing to the pony who was now standing up, frozen from fear from looking at me. I called her curtain-face because of her hair, it covered half of her face.

“Don’t listen to him Fluttershy!” Rainbow said, flying past me and to her friend, who snapped out of her trance and scrambled back from me.

“R-rainbow?” she half-whispered. “W-what’s going on?”

“It’s okay Fluttershy,” Rainbow reassured her. “He’s here to rescue us. He’s just a bit of a jerk, so try to stay out of his way.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m a fucking asshole. As much as I appreciate this heart touching reunion, can we please get going?”

“O-oh, yes,” Fluttershy said, getting to her feet with Rainbow’s help as the hobbled back to their small group of friends and they started hugging and crying about how happy they were to see eachother. Even Rarity had managed to pick herself up to limp to their little reunion.

Of course, all of my friends were dead. So, that’s probably why I was being such a cynical ass. I’m going to hell. I think we both are, no matter how much good we’ve done. What? Don’t look at my like that, we are. You know how many people you’ve killed? Whatever, back to the story.

“So,” I said, clapping my hands together. “Time to get you fucks out of here, I’ll go fuck some shit up, then I can finally leave this hell-hole. Sound like a plan?” No one spoke out. “Good, time to leave. The walk back is going to be a bitch, but I’m sure all of you little horses can handle it.”

“Oh, that’s not going to be a problem Johnny boy!” Pinkie said happily, springing over to the wall of the cave before she started inspecting it with a detective’s eye.

“Don’t call me that,” I said, pinching my nose.

“How come you get to call us names,” Rarity said, glaring at me, “but we can’t call you names.”

“Because you’re not the one who can rip my intestines out of my ass,” I said casually, shooting her a death glare, while Fluttershy shrunk down away from me. Everyone else had the same general reaction, except for Pinkie. She just kept staring at the wall.

“Pink, stop staring at the goddamn wall, we have to leave.”

“No, Johnny,” she said, oblivious to my objections over the nickname, “I know a way out.”

“And that involves staring at the wall?”

“Yup!”

“Fine, you get to stay here and rot,” I said, turning around to face the rest of the ponies. “All in favor of leaving Pink here?” No one raised any hooves. “Wow, tough crowd.”

“We’re not leavin’ Pinkie here,” Applejack stated.

“C’mon guys, all she’s gonna do is sit there and stare at the fucking wall. I’m really hungry too, so unless you want me to eat one of you, we have to leave soon.” The ponies lost the remaining color in their faces.

“Y-you’re going t-to e-eat us?” Fluttershy asked, shaking furiously.

“No,” I sighed, facepalming. “I’m not going to fucking eat you. It was an expression.”

“Hey girls look at this!” Pinkie exclaimed from the side of the room.

“What is it Pi—” I cut myself off at I looked at what had happened to the wall Pinkie had been staring at. To be short and sweet, it was completely gone. Like it had just vanished. Stupid vanishing walls. At least there wasn’t a Changeling horde on the other side, that would have ruined my day.

And, to top everything all off, there was an elevator that was just sitting there, lights on, ready to respond, should anyone need it.

“What’s that?” asked Twilight.

“That, Horny, is a Vault-tec elevator. What it’s doing here, is absolutely beyond me.”

“Ooh, what’s an elevator?” Pinkie asked, bouncing up to the metal contraption, poking it with her hoof.

“It’s a thing that lets you go up or down. I can’t really describe it. It uses a bunch of cables to pull you up or let you down.”

“How would the Changelings get an elevator?” Rainbow asked, glaring with suspicion at the elevator.

“Well I dunno. It could be a trap, but I don’t really think so. How would they know to get a Vault-tec elevator?”

“They probably just copied it from your world!”

“Ehh, I don’t think so. I’m gonna go press a button. If it works, I get to get out of here all the faster.” So, taking it upon myself, I went over and pressed the up button. And low and behold, it worked! There was a small *ding* and the whole thing lit up and opened. I cautiously peered inside. It was empty, but it was still odd.

“So, everyone in, if you don’t come, you’re gonna starve down here.”

“I’m not getting in that metal death trap!” Rarity said, giving me one of the oddest looks ever. It was probably a mix of: Are you bat-shit insane, and, what the fuck is wrong with you.

“You don’t have a choice,” I said, picking her up and gently tossing her into the elevator. She didn’t like that, so she started to chew me out. I had learned how to tune out incessant pony babbling by now, so that came in handy. Slowly and reluctantly, everyone climbed into the elevator. Except for Pinkie. Pinkie hopped in joyfully and was ooh’ing and ahh’ing at all the flashing lights.

I took one look at the panel and pressed the only button there was to push. Up. The doors closed and the lift slowly started to ascend. All of the ponies simultaneously jumped and I snickered as they all glared at me.

Within a few minutes, the elevator stopped, dinged again, and the doors opened, flooding the interior with harsh sunlight. We all winced and turned away, our eyes so accustomed to the dark of the caverns. Once my eyes had adjusted, I looked out. We were on a ledge high up on the mountain, looking over a swampy marsh. I looked up, and surprisingly I saw Canterlot looming over my head. This whole time, we had been under the mountain of Canterlot. Figures they would make their base here. Thanks to my advanced eyesight, I was just able to pick out the small hut where I had first met the ponies. I was also able to make out Ponyville, or at least, where it used to be. From afar I could now see it’s entirety, including the tall black walls and watchtowers. Twilight and the rest of the ponies slowly trotted next to you, staring at their old hometown in horror.

“Is that Ponyville?” Twilight asked, a look of shock on her face.

“Yes, yes it is. And if that’s the reaction you’re getting from seeing the town, don’t look at Canterlot.”

“Why, what’s wrong with Canter... lot.” Twilight trailed off as she looked up, seeing the once majestic city being overtaken by the black spiked rock, the once blue waterfalls now tainted black and green.

“Canterlot?” she whispered, so quiet I could barely hear her. The other five ponies broke out of their stupor and followed her gaze. They all gasped simultaneously, as if they had planned it.

“Okay, get over it. Big fucking deal, your precious city looks like crap now. Can we get a move on, I really want to leave.”

Twilight broke her gaze away from the dying city and shot me an intense glare.

“How could you?” she whispered. “How could you just wave this off? What is wrong with you?!”

“I come from a world where this is what you live in on a daily basis. It becomes second nature after a while. Now, before you go on a tangent about how fucked up my life is, let me spare you the trouble in saying that I’ve heard it before. Now, I had everything planned out to this point. Now, we have to find out where the ponies are situated.”

“What’s that mean?” Rarity asked, who was somehow still standing.

“Well, most of the ponies have been rounded up by the Changelings, tortured and experimented on, then probably killed. There was a small group of “resistance” ponies, but I never figured out where their base was.”

“What about that thing on your arm?” she asked.

“What thing?” I said, pulling up my arm.

“That green thing.”

“What about my Pip-Boy?”

“Can’t it track where you’ve been?”

“...”

“Well?”

“That is about the smartest thing I’ve heard one of you ponies say,” I responded, bringing up the map tab and scrolling the pointer around the large land that was Equestria. After a minute of scrutinous searching, I found the base, which said: Mountain Base. I never figured out how the Pip-Boy marks any locations I go to with perfect accuracy and names them. That was the extent of the good news, though. The area in question was several miles away.

“Goddamn it.”

“What?” Rainbow asked. I sighed and facepalmed.

“We have a lot of walking to do.”

Author's Note:

DON'T READ THE NEXT CHAPTER!

IF YOU DO, KNOW IT'S ALL AHUGEACIDTREE'S FAULT!

Comments

[Bookmaster]

The one thing I didn't like about new vegas and fallout 3. SO MUCH FUCKING WALKING.

[Bread]

AHUGEACIDTREE is kiiiiinda fucked

[xErickKingx]

2061057
Well
All Fall out games are like that
so
QUIT YOUR BITCHING and play it as it was suppose to be

[Izarra Kiania]

IM READING THE NEXT CHAPTER AND YOU CANT STOP ME WHEEEEEEEEEE