Chapter 26
The Jerk
Chapter 26
Rainbow shot up as she heard the creature that rescued them scream, and Rarity whipped her head down the tunnel, despite not being able to see anything. There was no more noise after the girlish scream, and the two ponies stood there in the tense silence as they waited for something, anything, to happen. They heard a slow plodding noise, presumably the creature, and saw a light approaching in the deep darkness. When the creature finally came into sight, the two ponies were awarded with the one of the most comical things they had seen in a long while.
~~~~~
The thing that dropped out of the darkness latched onto my head and knocked me off balance, and I fell flat on my ass. Seems like everything in ponyland wanted to knock me on my ass. I grabbed the thing, which was currently wrapped around the side of my head and tried to pry it off, but it had a pretty firm grip. I started yanking at the thing, which had a scaly body, and was quite small, but it refused to come off. So, after my last attempt, I realized that the thing wasn’t trying to crush my head, so I stopped pulling for a second to look at it.
So, it was a light green reptile, but that was all I could get, because, you know, it was kinda stuck to the side of my head. I started to feel it up, and like I said before, it wasn’t trying to kill me, or eat my head, so I was assumed that it was some sort of cave-creature and it would eventually come off. With that thought in mind, I dropped onto my stomach again and crawled through the tunnel till I could stand up again.
The ponies were up ahead. I was hoping they could tell me what was attached to my head, it was getting annoying having extra weight pulling it down to one side. Slowly, with my light shining ahead of me, I walked into view of the ponies. They looked shocked for a brief moment, before Rarity’s frown slowly creased into a small smile and she started giggling silently. Rainbow tried to hold back a chuckle, before bursting into an all out laughing fit.
“What?” I asked. They were too busy laughing to respond properly. Rarity was trying to compose herself, from what I could tell, but every time she looked up she would turn away, trying not to laugh. I shook my head a little and the reptile attached to my head gripped a bit tighter.
“Okay guys, very funny.” I crossed my arms, and waited for them to stop laughing. It took about a minute for them to do so, and even then, they were still chuckling when they looked at me. “Now, first order of business. What the fuck is on my head?”
“It’s Gummy,” Rainbow replied, she stopped laughing, but was still smiling happily.
“Okay, who’s Gummy?” The thing on my head wiggled at the mention of the name.
“Pinkie’s pet Alligator,” Rarity said. I stiffened.
“You mean to tell me,” I responded cautiously. “That there is an Alligator on my head.”
“Yup!” Rainbow nodded enthusiastically.
I opened and closed my mouth several times, trying to find the words to describe the situation.
“And why, pray tell, does Pinkie have a pet alligator?”
“Oh stop being a baby, she removed its teeth. It can’t hurt you,” Rainbow scoffed. I reached up and gently grasped the thin -- Gummy -- and it wiggled.
“Is Gummy a he, or a she?” Gummy wiggled again.
“It’s a he.”
“Oh.” We both paused. Rarity wasn’t talking much, but there was nothing different there.
“You have any idea on how to get him off?” I asked.
“Oh, so the big, bag, monkey-thing can’t get a simple alligator off of his head?” Rainbow teased.
“Well, he does have quite a grip.” I grasped him again, and gave an experimental tug. The annoying reptile didn’t budge. “Besides, I’m not a monkey. I’m a Human, but I guess there really isn’t a difference.”
“Well, what’s your name, Mr. Monkey?” She smirked, trying to annoy me like I had annoyed her, with an infuriating name.
“I’m John Johnson. You can call me John.” I stuck out my hand absentmindedly to shake. It was a habit. Rainbow gave my hand an odd look.
“What are you doing?” I shook my head and pulled my hand back.
“Sorry, bad habit.”
“No, not that. Why was your hand open?”
“Sorry?”
“I don’t know what monkeys do for greetings, but ponies hoof-bump.”
“Oookkkaayyy, soooo.... what?”
“You’re really weird you know that?”
“Says the gay pony with a rainbow mane.” She seemed to take offense at that.
“Hey! That’s going too far! I’m not gay!”
“Uh-huh, sure.” I replied skeptically. I felt something slap the side of my face, but Rainbow was still on the ground. I looked around, but the slap came again. I facepalmed. I had forgotten about Gummy.
“You guys have any idea why - ow - Gummy’s slapping me?” I asked as the reptile kept hitting the side of my face.
“He looks impatient or something.” Rarity spoke up. Rainbow was too busy glaring at me to say anything.
“Impatient at - ow - what?”
“Well I don’t know.” She replied in an exasperated tone. “I never took care of him. He probably just misses Pinkie.” As soon as Rarity said the name, Gummy started freaking out, wiggling like he was having a seizure.
“Okay, I’ll take - ow - that as a ‘yes’. Well, anyways, the tunnel - ow - here was a dead end. We should just - ow - go back and take the other one.” Gummy hit me once again and I grabbed his tail and gave it a yank. Unfortunately for me, Gummy didn’t want to let go and I pulled myself off balance and onto the ground.
“GOD I HATE REPTILES!” I yelled and smacked the offending creature, who gladly returned the favor. Rarity jumped up and slapped my hand.
“Don’t hit him!” I shot her a nasty look.
“Why the hell not?! He’s hitching a ride on my head, and hitting me! Where I come from, hitting someone gets you shot in the fucking face.”
Rarity gave me a odd look that I couldn’t quite place and backed away a step. I sighed and rose to my feet. Rarity took another step back and Rainbow moved in front of her defensively. I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Alright guys, I’m sorry I yelled. I’m not going to hurt you, so just calm down.” My fatigue was finally catching up with me, I was completely exhausted. Everything around me started to split into small and blurry doubles and I stumbled back a few steps before falling on my ass. From there on everything got a little fuzzy, and I couldn’t really remember what happened for a few seconds. Everything just kinda fell out of focus.
Before I knew it everything became clear again and Rarity and Rainbow were both beside me with mixed looks of concern and hesitation.
“W-what happened?” I asked, confused.
“You looked like you were gonna pass out there,” Rarity said. “You okay?”
“Y-yeah, I’m fine... What happened?” I asked again.
“You were saying you weren’t going to hurt us and you just... fell over,” Rainbow said. She paused before continuing. “What did you mean by when ponies hit others they got shot?”
“Listen, my world isn’t a nice one.” I said wearily. “People have to kill each other to survive.. I don’t like it, but it’s the way it is.”
“B-but why would people be killing each other?” Rarity asked in shock.
“I don’t know. People are just stupid. You remember when I said there really wasn’t a difference between monkeys and people? Well, people can do some really, really stupid things. I’m not gonna go into detail with this, so just drop it.”
“Okay then... “ The white pony paused. “You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. We should probably keep moving. Staying down here and starving to death doesn’t sound very preferable.”
The two ponies gave me another strange look I couldn’t place.
“What?”
“Why do you keep talking so lightly of dying?” Rainbow asked.
“Well, I think my intimacy issues stemmed from my mother...”
“What?” Rainbow was thoroughly confused.
“Okay, let’s put a pin in that conversation for now. Let’s get going.” I got up, scooped Rarity onto my back, with Gummy still hanging onto my head, leaving a confused Rainbow to follow us.
~~~~~
“Okay guys. Rainbow chose the wrong tunnel last time, so Rarity gets to choose this time.”
“But there are only two of them, and we’ve already gone down the first—” Rainbow said before I interrupted her.
“Quiet Ms. Wings.” Rainbow took a deep breath and started grating her teeth when I said that, but didn’t say anything. “Rarity, would you kindly point out the correct tunnel to Ms. Wings?” Rarity looked at Rainbow and giggled upon seeing her infuriated look before pointing out the second tunnel.
“Thank you Rarity, for giving us the right answer.” I snickered as I looked at Rainbow, who was trying harder and harder not to attack me.
“Ms. Wings, would you kindly lead the way?” I asked her. She shot me the worst death glare she could muster, which was actually pretty funny. It was like a mole rat trying to scare you by snarling. You just want to laugh at it. You just want to fall over laughing. Unfortunately, I couldn’t do that at the moment, so I snickered slightly. Gummy hit the side of my face again, and I shot him the best annoyed look I could. Wasn’t easy, him being attached to my head
“Yeah yeah, you stupid lizard, I’m going.” I muttered before venturing down the second tunnel.
Silence reigned supreme. No one was talking, but I was fine with that... Sort of. Okay, not really. I didn’t like the silence, but I wasn’t going to start an awkward conversation to break it. I took a small break from paying attention to where I was going to look at my compass and the map of the caverns so far. Normally, nothing bad would’ve happened, but you know how it works. I just happened to walk straight into a wall, the split second before I looked up. I fell onto my ass and grabbed my nose as it started bleeding before hurling a few expletives at the wall.
Behind me, I heard Rainbow snickering and Rarity was on the ground because I dropped her when I fell. I turned around and looked at her.
“You okay Rarity?” I asked, still holding my hand over my nose to stop the bleeding. I honestly didn’t feel the pain anymore. I think the nerve endings for my nose died a long time ago.
“Dear, you’re bleeding!” She exclaimed, leaping onto her feet, and walking over to me. I pulled back and got up, out of her reach.
“I’m fine, it’s nothing.”
“But you’re bleeding!”
‘
“Yeah, I noticed that.”
“How can you just ignore that?”
“I come from a land where people kill eachother to survive. What were you expecting, the Spanish Inquisition?” Rarity gave me a strange look... Again.
“Spanish Inquisition?”
“Nevermind, not important. C’mon, let’s keep going.” I bent down and picked up Rarity, who was looking at me in concern, and signalled for Rainbow to follow us. The dark tunnel loomed ahead of us.
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and so the Spanish Inquisition then begin to build a space, time machine.
NOONE expects the Spanish Inquisition!
You were expecting, maybe, the Addams family?
funny stuff! good chapter.
He keeps trying to be funny, but the mean ponies don't understand his Wittiness.
Thin?
1857307 It was supposed to be thing cut off.
1857350 Ah.
Gummy, gummy everywhere.
JERK
Y U NO JERK?!
1860780 If you had payed any attention during the past chapters you would notice that he's only doing that as a defense mechanism to shut out the world.
When I read that I thought "MONTY PYTHON!!!"