Chapter 27
The Jerk
Chapter 27
Now, I’m not gonna waste my time narrating what else happened in those god-forsaken pitch black tunnels of hell, but I can say it involved very little talking, me nearly strangling the reptile attached to my head, and getting punched by Rainbow several times for doing so. Not that it really hurt, but it hurt my feelings.
Anyways, the first of the other four ponies that we found underneath that mountain was the pink one. Her name was Pinkie. Don’t think it’s that hard to remember. You got that? It’s pronounced PINK-E. Okay, you sure? Good. Anyways, we approached Pinkie through the darkness, and as my Pip-Boy light enveloped her, I was presented with a very odd sight. She was completely fine. I’m being serious. She was not starved in any visible way, she was sleeping as soundly as a baby, and had a gentle smile.
“This is Pinkie?” I asked, scratching my head, confused.
“Yeah,” Rainbow said.
“Why isn’t she half-starved like the rest of you?”
“Just ignore it.”
“Are you sure?”
“One-hundred percent.”
“If you’re sure.”
“We are,” both Rainbow and Rarity said simultaneously. Pinkie’s head shot up inexplicably fast, and she smiled at us.
“Oh hey there girls!” she said perkily.
“Hey, hey,” I interrupted, “Were you the one with the fuckton of guns in your room?”
“Yeah, that was me!” she replied.
“Okay give me a second.” I kneeled down and set Rarity on the ground gently before approaching Pinkie. She smiled up at me, with absolutely no fear in her eyes.
“You. Fucking. Rock,” I said, grabbing her chains and snapping them.
“Gummy!” she said, out of the blue. I looked at her oddly.
“What’d you just say?”
“Oh Gummy I missed you so much!” Without warning, the ever-present weight of the annoying, bright green reptile upon my head, vanished and I fell over, as I was so accustomed to carrying him around. When I looked up, Pinkie was desperately hugging the annoying little piece of shit.
“Yeah, no credit to the guy who rescued him, or rescuing your friends or anything,” I said, dusting myself off as I rose to my full height.
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t really notice you there.” She giggled.
I narrowed my eyes at her, and leaned in, trying to intimidate her.
“The strange bipedal creature that was carrying around your pet and one of your closest friends, doesn’t come as any surprise? Any at all?”
“Nope!” She smiled at me.
“You’re alright Pinkie,” I said slowly, “Anyways, I’m assuming you want out of those chains?”
“Yup!”
“Well, let’s fix that problem.” I reached down and snapped the chains with ease. The pink pony sprang up from her lying down position and bounced over to her friends.
“Hi girls! How ya doin?”
“Hey Pinkie!” Rainbow said, hugging her friend. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”
“Aww, missed you too Dashie.” Pinkie was about to go over to Rarity, but I stopped her before she could.
“Okay guys, reunion will have to wait for later. If I’m correct, we have three other ponies left down here to rescue.”
“Aww,” Pinkie said, a little downtrodden, but she kept a small perk in her step. Once again, I shouldered Rarity and kept going.
Now, this is where things change dramatically. The tunnels were filled with talking. More specifically, Pinkie’s talking. Her incessant, droning talking. Oh, you say it can’t have been that bad? Have you met that pink word machine? No, I didn’t think so! She just kept talking, and talking. It was mostly about parties, and after the first questions, I just tuned her out. That did nothing to dissuade her, so she kept talking to her friends, doing her little catch up while we were walking.
So, next up, we have the pony Applejack. Now, I must say, she was the most stubborn of the six I found down there. As soon as I found her, and she looked at me, I knew she would be trouble.
“What the hay?!” Applejack said as she looked upon me carrying Rarity and her other friends following me. “Pinkie, Rainbow; that monsters got Rarity!”
“No, I’m carrying her because—”
“Quick girls! Get away from ‘im!”
“Hey,” I said, annoyed at her constant assumptions. “Will you shut up for a second and let me explain?” She fell silent, but her motive for doing so is still a mystery to me.
“Okay, much better. I’m actually carrying Rarity, because she’s too weak to walk on her own.” The look in Applejack’s eyes changed from one of fear and anger, to one of suspicion.
“Rarity, is that true?”
“It sure is!” Pinkie interjected, her annoying talking habit taking over.
“W-well what the hay is that thing carryin’ her?”
“Hey! I resent being called a thing.” She ignored me.
“He’s a human AJ!” Rainbow said happily. “He’s a little bit of a jerk, but he grows on ya.”
“Gee, thanks wings.”
“Well I don’t like ‘im!” Great, she was a xenophobe.
“It doesn’t matter if you don’t like me, cause I’m here to rescue you.”
“Hey! Get away from me!” She yelled as I approached her, scrambling backwards.
“Look, Orange, you got two options. One, you can rot down here for the rest of time, while me and the rest of your friends go and get ice cream,”
“You stay away from them!” She yelled.
“OR,” I said, ignoring her interruption. “You can let me break those chains holding you to the wall, we get the rest of your friends, and go beat the ever-living shit out of Chrysalis with these “elements”. Sound good?” She paused to consider the offer, but didn’t take her eyes off me.
“Alrighty then, fine. But one move outta line, and I’ll buck ya ta Hoofington!”
“Fine, you do that.” I said, kneeling down and snapping her chains, not bothering to put Rarity down. “You guys can do the catching up while we’re walking.”
“But John!” Pinkie said. I stopped caring what she was saying a long time ago, and I didn’t really care how she knew my name. “Why don’t you want to talk?”
“Because, I’m tired of this shit. I want to go home, and go to bed. The only way I can do that, is by rescuing you guys, and getting the fuck out of here.” I heard Applejack mutter something about “good riddance”, but I let it slide.
“Aww, but you have us!”
“Don’t care.”
That seemed to be a pretty good conversation killer, and they talked amongst themselves as we walked through the dark tunnel, which was getting a lot more cramped from the increased number of ponies.
So, next on the list, if I remember correctly, was Twilight. We found this purple pony sleeping on the ground, with a weird blue ring on the base of her horn.
“Hey guys, you never told me Twilight was married,” I remarked upon seeing the ring.
“You stay away from her!” Applejack shouted, running to her side. I sighed and facepalmed.
“Look Agent Orange, you’re gonna have to learn to trust me at some point.”
Applejack’s shouting had woken Twilight up, and she wearily glanced up, before seeing all of us standing together in front of her.
“A-Applejack?” she asked, her voice cracking. The orange pony gasped in surprise.
“Twilight! Thank goodness ya’ll are awake!” she exclaimed, hugging Twilight.
“W-what’s going on?!” she responded, looking around the room, the shock of seeing her friends wearing off.
“We’re here to rescue ya Twilight!”
“W-wait! How did you get free?” Applejack’s tone immediately darkened.
“Oh. He got us out,” she spat, gesturing her head in my general direction, not turning around.
“Who’s he?” she asked, looking at me in confusion.
“I’m John Johnson. Call me John.” I said with a half-hearted wave.
“W-what are you?”
“I’m a human, one of the worst creatures imaginable. Nice to meet you.”
Twilight looked at me, not with fear, like I had come to expect from ponies, but rather a look of curiosity.
“What are you staring at me for?” I snapped, and she yanked her gaze away quickly.
“S-sorry.” Applejack turned around and shot another glare at me.
“What the hay! What’d ya think give ya’ll the right ta talk to Twilight like that?!”
“Oh, I dunno, “ I said, shrugging, “Maybe having to live through the worst hell imaginable and still have my sanity intact? I know for a fact that almost anyone else from the Wasteland would have killing you the fun of it. They wouldn’t even care!” I threw my arms out at the last statement. Well, turns out telling her I come from a land of bloodthirsty psycho-fucks that would kill you without a second thought didn’t appease her.
So, she got up from her crouching position and stood up in front of Twilight.
“You leave her alone,” she stated, with no quaver in her rock solid tone.
“And doooooo, what, exactly?” Applejack shook her head.
“Ah don’t care. Just get out of here.”
“As much as I would love to let you guys stay down here and rot for the rest of eternity, that’s not an option. You guys are the only ones capable of using the Elements of Harmony. If I ever want to get back to where I was from, I have to save you guys.”
“Wait, what?” Applejack said, easing up her stance a little and scratching her head.
“I want to get the hell out of Ponyland, capiche?”
“Well yeah, but why are ya helping us?”
I sighed. “Because in order to get Celestia to send me back home, I need to defeat Chrysalis, the bug queen, and in order to do that, since she apparently won’t die, I have to save you.”
“You know Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked from behind Applejack, trying to stand up.
“Yes!” I sighed out. “I already said that! Okay, let me get this out in the open since no one seems to get it.”
“But John, you don’t have to—” Rainbow tried to reason, but I cut her off.
“No! No! I’m going to explain this since no one seems to get it! I am friends with Princess Celestia, who is going to send me home after I am done with all of this bullshit! I’m saving you fuckers so that I can accomplish that goal! You got that?”
All of the ponies looked at me sullenly, and Applejack averted her gaze.
“Okay, problem solved. Now, Orange, you gonna let me get your friend out?” I said, turning to the nervous pony, who simply moved out of the way, still not looking at me. I walked towards Twilight, who looked like she was having a hard time not panicking. I bent down and snapped her chains with a flick of my wrists and took the purple ring from her horn.
As soon as my task was complete, she jumped up away from me towards her friends, hugging all of them tightly, getting all teary eyed over seeing them again. I coughed into my fist.
“C’mon you fucks, I’m tired of carrying Marshmallow here.” I felt something smack the back of my head, and I looked over to see Rarity glaring at me. “What? You don’t like being called Marshmallow?”
“No,” she said. “And I am fairly certain that nopony else appreciate the nicknames you are giving them.”
“Is this true?” I asked, looking over the group of ponies.
“Yes!” they all said in unison and I jumped a little at how in-sync they were.
“Well, that sucks for you guys doesn’t it. Okay, let me make sure everyone has a proper nickname. Orange,” I pointed at Applejack, “Ms. Wings,” Rainbow Dash, “Pink,” Pinkie, obviously. “And, Marshmallow.” I rolled my shoulders and Rarity smacked me again.
“That just leaves, you, Twilight.” I tapped my chin thoughtfully as she started whispering to her friends. “Hey, Twilight, aren’t you Celestia’s personal student?”
“Yes I am!” she said, beaming happily at the fact.
“Okay, that narrows it down a bit.” I bit my lip, trying to think of something appropriate. “Ah, nevermind. I’ll figure out something later. So, who are we looking for last again?”
“Fluttershy,” Rainbow said.
“Alrighty then. Off we go!
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call her sparkle but
1955805 I thought of that, doesn't really fit. Too cliché.
flutter shy = a flood of gay
don't you think AJ was a bit too OOC?
1956031 Yes.
1956033
I mean I understand you we're trying to protect your friends and all but for bloodys sake he saved your flanks from rotting to death in a danky cave!
This is why she is 5th on my mane six list.
1956071 Well, that's actually how I imagine Applejack would act... So fuck canon.
1956080
Not like anything else is canon due to the fact that this is an alternate universe.
1956160 You bloody Wanka!
1956206
Hey you bloody fruit shop owner!
That's my line!
1956294 Fruit shop owner? I am a member of the Las Pegasus mafia, motherfucker!
1956303
"Engy! Can you make a teleporter to equestria?" Said the sniper(wanka).
"NOPE.AVI!" Said the engineer who was busy whacking his turret with a wrench.
"Why did you? Ah piss!" Said sniper begrudgingly
I'm the don of the Los Pegasus mafia.
1956364 No you aren't. Get your shit together.
Lol I know I'm really high though.
1956080
Hey you stay away from canon. He's a pretty cool guy.
Alright sometimes a bitch to work with but still.
50 bits says Fluttershy either has angel bunny with her, or got something else as a pet if he somehow died..... I put my money on a Deathclaw. What type of deathclaw could ignore the heart melting goodness that is Fluttershy? Better yet a deathclaw named Angle Bunny...
1958193 yes take all my yes and my single fuck.
DEEERRP!!!!! damn ponies...
1962778 Wut?
1962781 they get mad over a name and seem to think it's fine to call someone a thing. that and i like fuckin with peoples heads...
Mock nicknames for Twilight.
Purple (she is Lavender, so purple is offensive somehow).
Star butt (already said, but...)
Twinkle
Nerd(y)
Bookworm
Stripe(d) (because she has stripe in her hair and will work till he meets Zecora if he ever meets her)
Horny (she has a horn, right?)
I hope this helps.
Huh... Did you change... Oh, you did change your avatar.
1969852 HORNY! GENIUS!
1970363 That or just some random name like Nerf, Tumbleweed, or Turducken.
1971363 I think you mean Twiducken.