Bronyofages
Joined 4th Nov, 2016 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- eragon13666 · 40k words · 178 14 · 2.6k views
- Gryphon Gaming · 20k words · 67 10 · 1.6k views
- kudzuhaiku · 184k words · 313 41 · 2.5k views
- Silver Malice · 20k words · 49 5 · 1.2k views
- LoyalRenegade · 31k words · 174 5 · 3.9k views
- Rojack79 · 35k words · 197 15 · 4.1k views
- SociallyAwkwardPegasus · 18k words · 343 44 · 9k views
- Zombificus · 30k words · 33 4 · 1.1k views
Stats
Page generated in 0.106 seconds
Total duration
1,087 users online
1,646,134 hits today, 1,915,590 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I don't get it
90% of this is run on sentances
Try and read this while only breathing where the punctuation designates you to do so. Enjoy dying of asphyxia.
Needs some grammar work but would like to see more
7713438 I only breathe at punctuation and even then I don't always
The story idea is pretty good. I suggest looking over the Writing Guide in the FimFiction FAQ to help fix up the grammar issues. Try not to rush yourself (or the story) when writing. And don't be afraid to ask for help with editing if needed.
If there's another chapter then why does it say complete? Well I hope you update soon.
8194657
I think the idea @ first is to update it but the votes say otherwise.
Here we go. Nit picking time.
First good idea.
But its hard to keep track of who is talking. Ending a bit of dialog with an action of someone who isn’t the speaker is confusing.
And you repeat things. For example. You say:
“Well I guess if your willing to be kind to me then I'll try to get along with you". Chrysalis smiled happily.
"Thank you" she replied happily."But first". Twilight looked at her wondering
You say “happily” twice in as many sentences and describe the same character. You don’t need to repeat, but if you want to look up some synonyms.
Now whats wrong with the birthing pods? Are the babies just cuddling her? Do the drink her love? Or do they all sing Disney show tunes off key?
What makes Twilight change her mind? Why was she aroused in the first place?
You are telling us things but not describing or explaining. This is a text book case of show don’t tell.
Another nit pick is that you don’t have a clear point of view. Is it supposed to be third person limited on Twilight? Or third person omniscient?
Last thing thats not a nit pick. How are you pronouncing Chry? Is it cry? Ch r i? C r i? I can’t figure it out.