Starlight is grateful for how accepting Twilight and her friends (and frankly any pony she meets) have been since her reformation, but all she can ask herself is why. Nothing ever came this easy for her before, so why should it now?
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 14th Sep, 2016
- offline last seen Oct 25th, 2017
GhostNote
I don't really consider myself a writer, but at the suggestion of my fiance ("If you're not finding what you want maybe you should write your own stories.") here I am.
GhostNote
Joined 14th Sep, 2016 ·
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Truth be told, I'm not much of a StarLight shipper, and the former villain has left certain tastes in my mouth that are both positive and negative.
But this being your first fic, it's only fitting that I cast aside my doubts and look at it with as much of an objective lens as I can muster.
It's certainly well-written, and not at all rushed. You pulled together the dream sequence and the conversation following it nicely enough. Though, I can't help but feel that the conversation itself is somewhat lacking in effect.
This may be mostly because of the fact that I've read a lot of stories that have Starlight confront her past, via way of dreams, and having either Twilight or Spike comfort her. It may be biased, but I feel that more could have been done to heighten this effect. After all, the moment I realized that the first part was a dream, it was easy to guess where the story was heading.
That isn't to say that it isn't a bad story. Far from it. For a first fic on this site, it's enjoyable, even if its premise is a cliche. It's short and sweet, and fulfills its intended purpose, neither rising above nor falling behind its set level.
This is well done, I think it touches the scars that extreme emotions leave on us.
Starlight is going to be effected by what she lost, and Twilight us trying to help, but her efforts are just as likely to set Starlight off as to bring her peace.
That and I like a good dream sequence, after all I just wrote one..
Haha
Keep writing ill keep reading
This is a very interesting start. I enjoyed reading this. Not particularly how I would handle this situation per say but that's the fun in reading. Anyway, I felt that this was written well, and the style was pleasant to read. There's not a lot of actual story content to critique but what there is sets up the scene nicely. While I do agree that this setup has been done before, I am still invested in seeing where this will go.
The romance tag is going to make this story interesting, as this is shaping up to be a more drawn out take on the Twilight Glimmer ship... Or whatever you call it. :P I enjoy the ship myself so I am very interested to see how this will go.
For now I guess one of my critiques is the dialogue. It seems very clinical and lifeless. Especially the part where Twilight walks in on Starlight. She just screamed loud enough to echo across the castle, I think Twilight would be a little more, passionate isn't the word...invested I guess. It just feels very flat.
There is this line which comes across as a little confusing too.
"Is everything alright in there? Can I come in?” Starlight answered sheepishly as Twilight walked through the door.
That makes it sound like Starlight is speaking, though the dialogue would suggest Twilight... and as Starlight did not actually answer it feels like a line was missing here. I would suggest either have Starlight answer, then Twilight come in, or have her stay silent then Twilight grow worried and walk in of her own accord. Those are just my two cents. As is it's just a little confusing.
Another thing I noticed was that you use she when swapping characters to focus on. When swapping between Twilight and Starlight it is best to use their name in the first instance of mentioning them after swapping focus. It's again particularly important in this case as both characters in the scene are female so constantly using the pronoun she can get confusing.
Other than that I think this was a strong start and am excited to see more. Apologies if this was a little rambly it's currently 2am and I've been writing all day. My mind is a touch frazzled. If you want anything cleared up I'm happy to help. Good luck in future writing. I'll be watching this story closely. (Totally wasn't meant to sound creepy! I'm sorry!)
Okay! Shutting up now! Good luck!
>>EclipseSight
First of all thank you for the response. I was hoping for some sort of feedback, but I'm almost overwhelmed with the in-depth/helpful criticisms (in a good way =]). I knew I wanted to get some sort of story off my chest, and I do plan to draw this out a bit to (hopefully) give the romance tag a more genuine feeling.
I will focus a bit more on the dialogue as things progress. I guess I was just afraid of coming off too cheesy or over dramatized I suppose, but that may be what it takes to make a story come to life. Again, I really don't consider myself a writer, I was just interested in giving this a shot, so any criticism is welcome, and I will take it all to heart, and hopefully it will show as chapters are written. There's no need to apologize here c:
Lastly... I have no idea what to call this ship either, so Twilight Glimmer works for me
>>twistedsteelpony
I also enjoy good dream sequences. I feel like what little writing I've done I tend to lean on things of that nature.
Thank you very much though. It helps to hear things like this.
>>Jarvey Jared
I'm not sure what it is that fascinates me about Starlight, but for some reason this ship just sort of clicked in my mind. I understand the content may be a bit cliche, and that's completely understandable, but I guess I'm hoping as the story progresses I can deviate from the typical cliche and put a personal spin on it.
But thank you for the reassurance that this is well written, and giving this a shot even if its not one of your top picks. I appreciate it greatly =]
And to everyone, I will hopefully get to writing the next chapters soon. Life is hectic, and it's harder to find the time to do this than I thought it would be, but I definitely want to get back to it
7600749 Heh, happy to be of help. Yeah sometimes a little bit of cheese goes a long way. This is a show about magical pastel coloured ponies and one of the characters is literally called Cheese Sandwhich. Always better to be a little cheesy than lifeless. A good trick I always do, and I've been complimented on my dialogue but take that with a grain of salt, is to read each line back to yourself while trying to imagine the character saying it. Imagine their inflections and how they would say it. If you can't hear them say something a particular way easily, try again with different wording. It's a slow process but it's the best way I've found. Don't think of it as just words on a page try and think how it would be said. I dunno if I'm explaining this well. If I'm not let me know and I'll try again. Anyway, good luck to you!