• Member Since 2nd Mar, 2014
  • offline last seen 1 hour ago

Pegyunicorn


Whats up So I'm a bit new writting fanfcitions but I just want to bring a smile to someone's face

T

After Cozy Glows betrayal Twilight decides she needs to make sure Ponyville is safe even if she and the other Elements are away. Celestia suggest founding a Royal Guard division for Ponyville. Now Twilight much find a Captain to lead it. Now she just needs somepony with leadership experience. A pony kind, understanding, patient, and polite, But also strong, determined and driven. Tempest is at least half those things. Join Tempest and Twilight and the others on a journey of redemption, forgiveness, courage, yelling at new recruits, dealing with annoying ponies, and paperwork. So much paperwork. Just a day in the Life of the captain of the Friendship Knights.

Chapters (9)
Comments ( 100 )

I really liked Starlights response to the guard question. I think this is a pretty neat idea so I'll keep an eye on it.

Dan

droll leaking out of her mouth

Drool.

that in a pince

Pinch

at the cake you had

ate?

Dan

Work on your commas.

Ok, I know that the cover art is supposed to be her snorting but it looks like the smallest frown ever and that makes me laugh.

I going to start reading now. :twilightsmile:

Okay that bit with Jackel trying (and failing) to attack Derpy, as well as Derpy’s remarks towards Jacke, best thing I’ve read all day! :rainbowlaugh:

There are a number of spelling errors and sentences that need a little redo but other than that it's been good so far.

Thanks for reading so far everyone. As for some of the spelling mistakes pointed out I'll fix them asap. I actually noticed a few of them when I reread it before I published it but I wanted to get it up before I had to go to work. Still I appreciate y'all pointing it out. Quick question for everyone how do you feel about the tone shifts? I like to keep my stories light but still I some times fell the tone shifts are too quick.

Isn't she the badass mare who help Twilight to beat the Storm King?

Wonder if Starlight will keep bringing up the Sparkle Pole dancing incident.

Kinda disappointed there isn’t a town or station named Destiny.

Derpy has chaos-fu on her side

Pretty sure you wanted to make ideal as idea when Starlight is talking about how easily she got in and did all the things about Twi. Hmmm!

Still, interesting so far.

Work on your commas, maybe consider a proofreader

Nice chapter. 2 mess ups

Starlight nodded “I’ll she if she’s in her office and ask her.”

See

That for Twilight if so I’ll take it to

That's

Lemme sum it up.... MOAR! :flutterrage:

*coughts* Okie, brilliant start so far, good humor and characters have their little quirks we love so much. Only thing that could need a bit of refinement maybe, is when Twilight asking her friends. And i mean there structurally.

So once again, more plz :fluttercry::twilightsmile:

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and your vs you're

she was tempted cut but

to cut?

So she stood patent as the

Patient instead of patent?

I’m sorry i was distracted.

Uppercase I.

When I received received your letter

Double received.

of course your brother knows plenty about leading guards and I'm sure he’ll be more than happy to help him.

Help who? Shining Armor or the potential future guard leader? Might want to switch him for them.

“Would a Ponyville guard be a good ideal.”

Question mark instead of a period?

Than under article fifteen

Then instead of than.

I didn’t know that Derpy and I read the original copy of the law in the Canterlot Archives.

Is the 'and I read' there intentional? It sounds like the read it together.

Hell yeah I wish Tempest was around more.

56

This could use some more editing. Questions ending in exclamation points (or leading straight into further dialog with no punctuation at all,) places where a speaker would naturally pause missing commas, you're/your, run on sentences... Even though I liked the premise and plot points I couldn't make it to the end of the first chapter.

"bowing in submission the Great Throne of the Porcelain Empire. Defeated the Princess had her hooves clutching the rim."

She's a quadruped. I don't think she needs to prop herself up with her forelimbs to reach the toilet.

I like what I’m reading but I don’t think I can finish it, sorry. There are way too many sentences that are missing commas and periods, it keeps jerking me out of the story.

Nice job with considering how the different species would know of Tempest.

Rumors talking about Twilight and Tempest have a secret loving spot.

I think the Storm Creatures are completely separate from yeti's. They have lion like tails ending in thick fluff, possibly masks for faces and are in general intelligent as well as big and bulky. Their feet consists of three digits with claws, their hands also have three digits and claws.

The yeti's in yakyakistan don't have tails, have five fingered hands in front and three toed rear paws. Pinkie met one in 'Party Pooped'.

The Storm King is also relatively close to being a Satyr, two toed cloven feet. His tail is fully covered in thick fur. Kind of looks like a evil version of the Monkey King, the same one who fought the gods and got slapped down for it.

We need more. And have a feeling glimglam really needed. Can we see that?

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Thanks I really tried to imagine what he would need to pose a threat to Equestrian I assumed based on his white fur he came from the north in a cold region similar to the Yaks and he would need resources the dragons eat gem stones so it makes sense that they would be abundant in their homelands. If i remember right Griffons come from the north but it seems they live in a very different climate than Yaks so i doubt they had much interaction with the storm king and changelings i think of as being south of Equestrian I don’t know if that's true its just how i picture it.

9455850
Your right i thought the movie called the yetis for some reason but i looked it up a bit and he is described in the wiki as a satyr like creature. still satyrs have human torsos most of the time and while i can see the show changing it show he didn’t look human and fits with the design of other characters. still he looks pretty different from satyr to me. I also theought he reminded me of the monkey king at first but through out the movie I saw it less and less. Sun Wokong i probably misspelled that but oh well kick the gods butts no problem and could only be stopped when the Buddha dropped a mountain on him. I think if he was the monkey king he wouldn’t need Tempest he’d lead his own armies. also the monkey king isn’t evil just kinda annoying. I totally forgot about the yeti in party pooped honestly i still don’t remember it but I trust you still going forwards i should be done mentioning the Storm king and his army so it won’t really be a issue in upcoming chapters. If I get time I may edit ‘Yeti’ to ‘storm creatures’ since that's what the wiki calls them.

9456411
I’m not sure what your asking? what do you want to see?

9456539

That's what happens when you can't escape from an inescapable palm. Five hundred years under a mountain for beating up most of the heavens wasn't that much of a punishment for Sun Wukong, compared to Luna's one thousand years practically chained to her celestial object for destroying a single castle and castle town.

Kind of obsessed with power, but protective of the monkeys as their king, it wasn't a good idea to mess with Sun Wukong. The humans and other demons messed with his home, then went crying to the heavens to stop him when he attacked them back with more force than they could handle.

Sun Wukong had little in the way of humility, but the heavens making him the horse stable attendant was pretty much asking him to go on a rampage. Him showing the heavens some humility themselves was a foregone conclusion.

9456542
Was on the phone and a bit pressed of time. But basically like to see how Starlight 'hoofs' the situation, especially with young Silverstream. I do think would be an interesting lil spice to this starting up.

No, Tempest, Derpy is one of the more saner ponies living in Ponyville. Most of them are far crazier.

“Princess Twilight sure seems to be taking after Princess Celestia, having her students save the day instead of just doing it herself. What? You know it’s true.”

Firs I wanted to say they were rude but then this sentence came and it was just perfect, exactly my thoughts even if I haven't compared them in this situation.

I didn't liked Starlights joke there, at least not if the school already started and Twilight was risking being seen in her clothes.

I was going to propose that I send a detachment of the Royal Guard to help defend Ponyville. They could help defend the town if you are unavailable and while they may be unable to defeat more serious threats they could at least buy you some time to end the threat yourself.

Not sure if it's the exact same thing, but I never liked Celestia forcing Twilight to be actively surrounded by guards all the time.

If she really meant only the town and if they are only meant to protect the town in serious situations or so that some ponies can spoke to them if something happens.
You know maybe more like a police instead of those overreacting idiots you get in stories sometimes who would probably even kick Rainbow Dash or Fluttershy in their ass till they get Twilight to tell them they are allowed to come in.
Just tried to explain what I usually think of the guards and that I hope it's not exactly that.

warrants the formation of a new branch of guards be founded to protect Ponyville and serve you.

Okay she is still planning to do that, in that chase I hope Twilight is still able to do what she wants and isn't forced to always tell them what she is going to do or being pestered by them. Long story short I guess I want her to be able to act as usual if she should choose so.
I think for a while I thought some thing work or can work differently for her and she doesn't has to let Celestia do what she wants with her and put her in the exact same situation.

Okay I like it that she said it'S ultimately Twilight choice and it looks like she can get those guards to work how she wants them to work.
No need for traditional guard work it seems.

“Darling are you asking me if we should have a bunch of big, strong, handsome stallions in gleaming armor walking around town, the answer is most definitely yes.” Rarity stated while sketching a new dress design.

:facehoof:

I think I could enjoy the story but I need to give it time to develop a bit.

I feel conflicted, Derpy is funny and awesome but at the same time I can't count how often I saw Tempest being written in a way where she barely managed to get anything done because it looked like the authors didn't liked the idea of Tempest being as strong as she was shown to be at least as much as I remember. That and the talks I had about this with others.

Well for now I just assume it's either one of the rare days she lost and there can always be someone lucky and even kill someone like Celestia as i like to believe. Afterall much power or Magic should not mean they are immune to every kind of attack or even supriseattack.

I like how you have written Tempest so far and I hope the romance will not feel as if Twilight takes to much control over Tempest kind of like Celestia does with her husbands in many stories. It's hard to explain and I don't want to write a big text again.

Uuuhhhhh I hope Time Turner doesn't get more important here because it looks like you made him doctor whoo.

“Wow Twilight you need to get laid badly.” Rainbow helpfully pointed out.

:facehoof: ooohhh Rainbow.
she makes it slightly worse for her friend in that situation depending on how loud she said it, at least Twilight will not be happy about it I suppose.
I understood the situation differently, that she just got annoyed by their rumors since it probably went on a few days now, well at the end it got a bit out of hand I guess but I thought nothing of it.

Well Derpy itself is not bad but for one reason or another I don't like to see Time Turner with which most people ship her as Doctor Whoo.

I guess my reaction towards Raritys comment about the guards and Rainbows focus on Twilights sex life are my (?) usualy "precautions", because while it doesn't have to be bad, it could actually go into a direction that shows two of the more annoying personalitys I know from the main six or those to especially.
edit: However I forgot to say, while recently using another fanfiction site I noticed stuff that annoys me here, isn't always annoying me there, so it's probably also because the same characters are usually written in the same way.

At least it's not the main char that might fall victim to Raritys manipulation and I don't know yet how much she might be out of control here.

I like how the reactions from the species differ from each other, but I think Ocellus or Gallus should maybe still grow to dislike her.

One of them could maybe understand how it is to be a former bad guy I suppose and the other could get angry at her when they notice what she did. To me it sounded more as if they don't care about it at all and now that I think about it it would be okay, however maybe one of them should change their opinion on her first.

I like Tempest and probably vote for everything in her favour, but I also enjoy those social slife of life situations if instead of an overlord Villain, the social problems are all that gives them trouble.

I would need to search for it again but an example was a story in which the biggest problem was applejack hating filly foolers or how it was names, that was is pretty much already.

9495109
Time turner actually is the 9th doctor in show cannon. This is cannon to both the MLP and the DR Who universes, so thats actually in line with the character. While time turner doesn't live in a call box, his house has been confirmed by both universes to be a version of the tardus, just a more spacious one

9460297
Agreed, derpy is far more sane than most if the town lol

9528294
Okay thank you for the information but that doesn't sounds good to me.

I can't exactly tell you why but even if his powers aren't OP somehow he doesn't fit in there for me.

Hey sorry this one took so long to get this chapter out I’ve mainly been focused on a fic for Steven Universe still hope you like it once I got this chapter started it really just started to flow naturally. I hope to update this story more regularly from now on as it’s really starting to come together in my mind.

Twilight also needs to discuss the Penal Code.

DNC

‘How to form a militant organization in one thousand easy steps’.

:duck:

‘How to defeat immortal princesses capable of manipulating heavenly bodies in one thousand easy steps’.

:duck:

‘How to design armour for a newly formed guard organization in one thousand easy steps’.

:duck:

“When in doubt blame Discord.” Rainbow offered.

I can think of no one else.:facehoof: Really though.:ajbemused: your killing me here!:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::pinkiesmile:

Please tell me someone will make a "Tempest Shadow, commander of cripples" remark and pay dearly for it. ...Sorry, it's just I really liked that part of the Mortal Kombat X prequel comic.

I’m beginning to wonder if Equestria has its own version of Leonard da Quirm.

Dan

Those silly Friendship KNNNNNIGGITS!

IDEA!!! Tempest could recruit the Young Six as Friendship Knights!!

Might want to practice taking a hit. Or get really good at identifying concussions.

That last part was really cute :twilightsmile:

You have the wrong 'your' at the start, and the wrong 'to' in the middle. Maybe give one more proofreading sweep?

> While this dumb love triangle side plot was going on

*snerk*

“I wonder if everypony in this town is that crazy.” Tempest pondered heading off in the obvious direction of the castle.

You have NO IDEA!:rainbowlaugh:

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