read at your own discression, I wasnt a good writer
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- Member Since 22nd Apr, 2012
- offline last seen Wednesday
Telly Vision
A 21 year old with a fondness of cartoons. (wow I'm 25 now)
Telly Vision
Joined 22nd Apr, 2012 ·
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This is my first story so It might suck, please tell me if I can improve in any way
I am no critic (haven't posted any stories), but I will try to explain.
Imagine a movie. Now press play button. Things happen, not everything is fast, there are sounds and frame change at 30 per second.
Now push X16 button. That is a bit too fast. Same thing in your story, it is like on x16 speed. So sounds are missed as well as whole scenes.
Read what Wanderer D said in his blog.
Not much known about character, but it does not seem to be hints about when more will be known.
Funny part: Pinkie Pie explanation.
Added:
There are five senses: hearing, sight, touch, smell and taste.
More senses per scene (if possible) means better. More immersion in story.
one word: improve.
Im too tired to type out everything, so I agree with Muhanoid.
FUNNY!!!!!!!
but it is a good story.
I liked it. It does, however, need work. It's an OC story, so there will be a lot of insta-hate generated. I'm not one to dislike something without reading it first, but I very nearly ignored this one. I'm not opposed to OC stories, but they need to be really good to impress me. At least he wasn't a black and red alacorn (Yes, alacorn with an a. Ali is the Latin word for garlic, whereas ala is the Latin for wing. I know a fair bit of Latin. Trust me on this.) with 'awesome' in his name. That would have put me off.
Apart from that, it is poorly structured, has no pacing, is devoid of sentence structure, is littered with errors in punctuation and has quite a few spelling mistakes. In short, it needs a proofreader and pre-reader or an editor. Or all three. Grammar was pretty much ignored and it's not pretty. You could switch your like-dislike ratio if you fixed these problems.
I'm willing to help you if you want me, but this will be at the bottom of my priority list unless it gets done in a day or two. I'm planning two stories and editing two more, both of which are by pretty close friends rather than acquaintances, so this might not be easy for me to get around to doing. Note, however, that I can fix most, if not all, grammatical errors in this, given a couple of days to work.
If you want to learn 'how to grammar', so to speak, which includes sentence structure, punctuation and the likes, look at Comrade Sparkle's blogs. They're grammar tutorials for everyone. I read a couple of them and he's correct. I might run through them at some point myself and get some things straightened out. I'm not perfect. You could definitely learn a lot from them and make my (possible) job easier by doing so.
Anyway, whaddaya say? Am I in?
Please PM me with a link to a gdoc if you want me. I love helping people with their stories. Forgive me if I sound like an asshole; I am.
Well done!
~ Decaf
3935130
To be honest I entirely gave up on this one. It was my first story, I had barely joined the site, and just copied someone else's idea.
If you want to see some more resent, better work look at Mind of a Child.
3935168
I know, but I hate to see stories left unfinished. I understand that it was your first story and you weren't necessarily the best writer on the planet, but I'd like to see it at it's best. It has potential to be good, but it needs work. If it were my story, I would not want it sitting there with mistakes and problems. I'm trying to help you fix it up so it's at least going to get more likes than dislikes.
This is me trying to be nice. I'm failing pretty badly, but I'm not trying to say you're bad, despite what may be implied. It's accidental, I assure you. People who read your other stories will see this, so it's a good idea to fix it up for them instead of leaving it as something they will dismiss and laugh at like the bastards they are.
I'm sorry for that. I'm being a dick again, but I did kinda need to say it. Ah well. If you dislike me, you dislike me, and I can't change that. All I can say is that I'm trying to help. Sorry.
~ Decaf