• Member Since 22nd Apr, 2012
  • offline last seen 10 hours ago

Telly Vision

A 21 year old with a fondness of cartoons. (wow I'm 25 now)


Its that time of year again, when the Cakes are the busiest and are swamped with costumers.
But with the new twins, and pinkie pie nowhere to be found, will pinkies new invention be enough to save the day?

Pinkie thinks so.
Will Pinkie's new invention help, or will it make things horribly worse?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 12 )

Short and sweet. TO THEY FEATURE BOX!!!

I want to like this, but seriously, spellcheck.

Not a bad SpongeBob parody, but I agree with Whiteout- serious editing is needed. Also, despite the fact that most likely everyone has seen the SB episode this is based on, the paragraph that starts Pinkie's work and ends with the last pony being fed is too short. This is basically the main scene, and there needs to be more description. I have been told a few times by an editing buddy to show, not tell, and while you do indeed show, there really isn't enough.
Otherwise, like F.A.D. said, short and sweet (quite literally in this case). Not bad at all.

Gotta admit. I was smiling the whole time I was reading this...

I think that SpongeBob got mugged by Pinkie.




No, seriously, I love you for making this. This is awesome.

Not bad, but I will agree that the feeding montage is really short and just fly's by.

most likely everyone has seen the SB episode this is based on

You mean other than the people who absolutely despise Spongebob? Don't make assumptions.

2716929 True, true. I concede to that.

Omg great story I lllllllooooooivvvvvvvveeeeeerr spongebob


Oh the comedy! Well done! Well done indeed! Bravo!

A few more editing runs would polish this fic up to a shine. Also, another editor to give another perspective would also be good.

Some possible errors and points of improvement:
1. He went downstairs to the kitchen still half asleep to make a morning coffee for himself and his wife.He set one cup on the table as he drank his first sip.
- Add space.

2. Yes indeed this day was special indeed. And they weren't prepared.
- One "indeed" would be enough. My personal take would be, "Yes, this day was special indeed." But it is totally your choice.

3. "Indeed it was my little ponies." Mr. Cake turned around to see Princess Celestia and Luna behind him and instantly bowed to them.
- This tripped me up. After the laughter and all, this tripped my imagination. A simple "," would solve this, ""Indeed it was, my little ponies."

4. "That was quite impressive Pinkie." Celestia said " Though I don't suppose I could trouble you for a slice of cake could I?”
- "That was quite impressive, Pinkie." Celestia said " Though I don't suppose I could trouble you for a slice of cake, could I?”

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