Chapter 9
Waiting for the evening edition, his body tense with worry, Gosling stood beside Celestia and eavesdropped on Blueblood and Raven, but only after Celestia assured him that it was okay to listen in. Raven and Blueblood had a strange relationship, one that Gosling did not understand, a love-hate relationship between a masochist and a sadist. It could only be summed up with Blueblood saying, “Hurt me,” and Raven replying, “No.”
But that wasn’t the only thing that defined their relationship. No, there was so much more. The cattiness, the snark, the sarcasm, the insults, and low blows. Gosling was glad that he and Celestia had a more traditional, romantic relationship. He glanced over at Celestia, worried for her, and scooted a little closer as they stood together, high upon a balcony overlooking an almost empty, small, private dance hall below.
Much to Gosling’s shock and surprise, Prince Blueblood began singing, serenading Raven with a voice that sounded like a chorus of demons screeching down in Tartarus. It was just about the most horrible thing he had ever heard.
“Oh baby you… you’ve got a disease… and you say it’s just an itch, but it’s made you such a bitch…”
Gosling had to jam a hoof into his mouth and bite down to keep himself from laughter. Beside him, Celestia was shaking with silent laughter and her eyes were squeezed shut.
“Oh baby you… you’ve got a disease… and you say it’s just a rash, but something’s crawling ‘cross your ass… oh baby you… you’ve got a disease… you’ve had some sailors in your port, ‘cause now I have some knobby warts… oh baby you… yooou... you’ve got a disease…”
For a second, Gosling forgot all about the evening edition paper that would be coming out in just a little while. He leaned against Celestia, feeling her warmth, and he squeaked with laughter. It was exactly the type of song that Gosling would never serenade Celestia with.
In this crazy, crazy castle, everypony dealt with stress in their own way. The public would never believe what went on inside these walls. Poker games, royals behaving like commoners, (or worse) as well as a singing prince that could make love sound so terrible and filthy.
He heard Celestia giggling as he was lifted up and carried away from the horrendous love song being belted out below. The magic tickled all over and he had to bite down upon his hoof even harder as they made their escape through the door.
Standing on the landing on top of the stairs, Gosling gave thought on how to deal with the difference in physical size. He and Celestia were alone, or at least he believed they were alone, and Gosling wanted to make her feel better. Extending his wings, Gosling took flight, which caused Celestia to give him a curious, quizzical stare. He hovered, trying to maintain himself at her eye level. When he moved in for a kiss, he discovered a major flaw with his idea.
Lips locked together, Celestia applied suction, her kissing trick, and Gosling went weak all over. He crashed to his hooves, almost fell over, his lips now glistening with slobber, and he gave himself a determined shake as he tried to recover.
Celestia said nothing, but stood there, now looking amused and perhaps Gosling was a little optimistic, but she also seemed impressed. Undaunted, Gosling was going to conquer the giant if it was the last thing he ever did.
With Celestia staring at him, waiting, looking expectant, Gosling tried another approach. Flapping his wings for balance, he stood up on his hind hooves, threw his forelegs around Celestia’s neck, and if he stretched out his whole body, he was almost at eye level. He waggled his eyebrows and his ears as he closed the gap between them. He kissed her, his hind hooves tapping upon the marble tile floor as he tried to keep his balance. He squeezed her neck a little tighter. He was getting cramps in his hocks, but he didn’t care.
The kiss was that good.
Feeling a sense of accomplishment, he threw himself into the kiss with gusto, trying to apply everything he had learned so far. His wings fluttered as he tried to keep his balance. He kissed her with ferocious, consuming need, his lips smooshed into hers with such force that he could feel the sharp edges of her teeth pressing through her lips and into his. She stood as steady as a rock, never wavering, never moving, and Gosling gave himself over completely.
Perhaps he gave himself over a bit too much. He could feel cool air over something that he knew that he shouldn’t feel cool air blowing over. He broke the liplock with a wet slurp, blinked, and looked into Celestia’s rose coloured eyes. Blinking a few more times, he pulled away just a bit and looked down between his front legs, which were still encircled around Celestia’s neck. Oh, this was not good.
Then, to his horror, Celestia also looked down. Gosling felt his ears achieve a state of spontaneous combustion. He saw her eyes go wide and her mouth formed a perfect, round little ‘O’ as she stared down between his front legs at what lurked below.
Balancing himself as best as he could, he pulled one foreleg free from around Celestia’s neck, placed it beneath her chin, lifted her head until he could look into her eyes once more, and said, “Beautiful, my eyes are up here,” in a low, reedy whisper, his voice cracking with embarrassment.
“But what I’m interested in is down there,” Celestia replied in a voice of flawless confidence.
When Celestia tried to look down again, Gosling tipped her head back up and he let out an awkward self-conscious squeak. He wobbled on his hind legs and struggled to keep his balance. He had never done much standing up before.
“Your Gosle-nozzle is sticking out.” Celestia paused and her lips pursed together. “Or would that be your gooseneck?”
Gosling’s stormy grey face purplefied as he stood there and his burning ears drooped. There wasn’t much he could do at this point. Celestia was looking down between his forelegs and there wasn’t much he could do to stop her, save letting go. But he didn’t want to let go.
“I do believe that you want to stab me with your cooter-shooter,” Celestia said in a matter-of-fact voice. “A hopeful soldier has presented his pike to his monarch for inspection.”
Squeezing his eyes shut, Gosling felt his wings go stiff. The alicorn, white and pure, a mare that appeared so spotless and beautiful, a majestic creature as flawless as the freshly fallen snow, had a dirty, filthy mouth. He let go of Celestia’s neck and dropped down upon all fours once more.
Looking up, he heard Celestia clucking her tongue at him. Her eyes were warm, affectionate, and something about her expression was impish. Something about how she looked at him filled him with desire.
There was the sound of hooves upon the stairs and Gosling panicked. Celestia turned to face the stairs and Gosling ducked behind her, dropping his extended wings down to his sides to cover and hide himself.
Cresting the stairs, Cadance paused and sniffed the air. She looked at Celestia first, then at Gosling, who was hiding behind Celestia, and without cracking even the hint of a smile, she asked, “Am I interrupting something?”
“Nope,” Celestia replied, “nothing at all.”
“Hmm, I could have sworn I felt something, it is how I found you.” Cadance sniffed again and her eyes narrowed as she gazed at her aunt. “Were you just trying to corrupt poor Gosling and compromise his values?”
“Nope,” Celestia said again, this time looking Cadance straight in the eye.
“Would you like some pointers on how to really get him worked up?” Cadance asked her aunt. “I’m very objective. I’ve given couples pointers on how to spice up their love life by observing them as they cuddle and copulate. I can watch and let you know how to do things better. I’m very knowledgeable about love—”
“I need a chaperon!” Gosling squeaked.
Cadance lowered her head and peered around Celestia’s side, looking at Gosling, who was cowering and trying to cover himself. “I am a chaperon!”
Now sitting with several others, Gosling waited on the papers, the hour growing ever nearer. A cup of tea steamed in front of him and he was hunched over the table, his neck bent, he felt worn out and weary after running away from both Cadance and Celestia, who had chased him down the stairs, down the hall, and through much of the castle.
The chase had worn him out, burning away his nervous energy, leaving him almost too tired to worry. Beside him, Celestia sipped her tea and did a crossword puzzle. Luna, who had risen early, sat at the table, but it could not be said that she was awake. She was up, but she was far from awake, much in the same way that a zombie was far from being alive. If Luna’s state of awakeness was a Venn diagram, the circles representing both Luna and being awake would be far, far away from one another, on different pages, with each page posted on the opposite shores of Equestria.
Cadance poured Luna some coffee and then patted the Princess of the Night upon the back, offering sympathy for Luna in her current pitiful condition. When Luna almost pitched forward and landed muzzle first into her coffee cup, Cadance rescued her and helped to hold Luna’s head up.
“Ugh, I hate the waiting,” Gosling said in a low grumble, his lips brushing up against the edges of his teacup, which was held in his dextrous primaries. “Is this what it feels like to be the condemned waiting on the executioner’s noose?”
“This is war,” Celestia replied, not looking up from her crossword. “Long periods of intense boredom interspersed with bowel clenching terror.”
“But we’re just waiting on the papers,” Gosling said.
“Indistinguishable from war.” Cadance once again kept Luna from falling face first into her steaming coffee cup. Reaching out, she patted Luna on the cheek and gave her sleepy aunt a smile. “Are you with us, Nana?”
Luna’s head tilted back against the chair and she dozed off with an almost deafening snort, which caused Celestia to look up from her crossword, glance at Luna, and then her eyes went wide with a realisation. “A ten letter word for sleepiness… slumberous!” Her pen moved, scratching as she scribbled out the word. “It fits! This was driving me mad!”
Glancing over Celestia’s crossword, Gosling looked at where Celestia had just wrote in a word with an ink pen. Doing a crossword puzzle in ink took some kind of guts and Gosling found one more thing he admired about his monarch.
“Going down from the beginning of ‘slumberous,’ the medical word for drowsiness, nine letters, is ‘somnolent.’” It took Gosling several seconds to realise that the room around him had gone quiet. All eyes were on Celestia. Even Luna was now almost awake, the Venn diagram papers were now placed on Canterlot and Fillydelphia. Cadance was blinking, her large eyes wide with apprehension.
Before he could say anything, Celestia beat him to the punch.
“What are all of you looking at?” Celestia demanded as she set down her pen.
“You didn’t tell him about the rule,” Cadance said in a worried voice.
Gosling felt his neck prickle. “The rule?”
Cadance nodded, her eyes wide and fearful. “The rule.”
Feeling apprehensive, Gosling blinked and looked around. “Did I just break a rule?”
“The unspoken rule is that nopony helps Auntie with her crosswords. She gets… testy—”
“Oh pooh,” Celestia blurted out and dismissing Cadance’s words with a wave of her hoof, “Gosling is allowed to help me. Couples should work on crosswords together.” Celestia rolled her eyes and picked up her pen.
“The rule has been amended,” Cadance said in a low, anxious voice,
Snorting, Celestia tossed her head back. “Cadance, stop being silly. You’re acting as though I get irrational and out of sorts if somepony butts in on my crossword.”
“Auntie, need I remind you of the Twilight Sparkle breakfast crossword incident?” Cadance’s voice was almost foalish and wheedling. Cadance, ducking her head down low, looked at Gosling. “Twilight came up with an answer that had stumped Auntie all day and all night… zyzzyva... it is a type of weevil… Twilight didn’t hesitate at all, she looked at it and knew what it was right away—”
“The annoying little know it all picked up my pen and filled in my crossword!” Celestia tossed her pen down again and it bounced on the table. “I had been up all night trying to figure it out. I hadn’t even heard of a zyzzyva weevil… how Twilight knew about it, I’ll never know.” Celestia gave Cadance a sullen stare. “What if she had been wrong? Over two hundred years of filling in crosswords with a pen and no mistakes. She might have ruined my streak.”
The door opened and Night Light stuck his head into the room. “The papers are here…”
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Rarity would have to double down on her visits to her therapist!
---
COMPANY! PRESENT -- ARMS!
Everything was fine until I got to cooter-shooter.... Still not exactly done with the laughter that caused.
7148831
mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw3360-1330671248679.gif
C-c-c-cooter-shooter?
Gosle-nozzle the laughter is only 10% ok, ok 20 % rum. Thought I would fall out of my chair.
Second best reply to that I've ever heard.
...funny, I thought cadence was rather prudish for a (demi?) goddess of love. So either she was joking earlier, doesn't like gay sex specifically, or there's some changelings running around.
7148864
Second best?
Pray tell, what was the first?
I am the chaperon!
7148879 "I'm not looking at your eyes".
(read it in some ponified HiE story)
Also, I thought cadence was rather prudish for a (demi?) goddess of love. So either she was joking earlier, doesn't like gay sex specifically, or there's some changelings running around.
7148892
Huh? Gay sex... what?
7148894 I think I'll have to reread the chapter, then, but somone was complaining about TMI in an earlier chapter, and I thought it was cadence.
7148899
No, that was Blueblood and Raven being weird with each other
7148907
I decided to look it up again:
Chapter 7.
Cadence complained.
And now she's all like "would you like some tips? I'm very willing to share..."
so it's a bit odd.
Also, I somehow wound up with the impression that raven was a guy.
7148919
Poor Cadance... she's not allowed to tease those she loves without critique.
*Chaperone
Wow, that's like the most accurate summation of war I've heard in a while.
"I need an adult!"
"I am an adult"
"I need a mature adult!"
"Well then we're all shit out of luck!"
7148935
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/chaperon
Wut?
7148940
Dictionary .com also lists Chaperone as an alternate spelling, and I've honestly never seen it without the E on the end.
I'm guessing this difference is Webster's fault, like Color v Colour.
7148955
The 'E' needed a chaperon.
7148962
You deserve each other, this E and you.
You're both so... smart?
[/Wicked]
7149020
GODS ABOVE AND BELOW DAMN IT YOU BEAT ME TO IT FUCK
7149032
I think you need an adult...
7149036
Im only doing that because I have pent up aggression towards his father. So there.
7149032
What can I say, I was a second award expert at the rifle range with a fast trigger finger
vignette3.wikia.nocookie.net/mlp/images/7/75/Spike_and_Rainbow_Dash_laughing_together_S1E01.png/revision/latest?cb=20120524094542
The c is not capitalized. It's so foreign. It's so unknowable. It's so strange.
I *do* need an adult
7149047
7149036
7149059
7148940 usually chaperone is spelled with an 'e' but its acceptable either way. I think its one of those theatre/theater color/colour things. I think the traditional American spelling has an 'e' but it's really not that big of a deal.
7149398
Those paying attention knew this to be true before any words showed up. They started slipping out in private when she felt more comfortable with her surroundings.
7149683
I think Google knows I'm odd. I had originally spelled them with an 'e' when I typed them, but then they had a red line beneath them marking them as a typo. I corrected and the 'e' vanished, becoming a Ghostbuster. (E-gone)
I wonder which is bigger the chase-verse or the weed-verse...
I'm really looking forward to when Gosling gets a little more comfortable, and he and Celestia can have a bit of dirty back-and-forth... he's such a flirt, and she's revealed herself to be... It'd be interesting to see how they get along :)
7149846 Or the Quill & Blade universe...
7150394
Chapter 3 is a name.
7150411 It's a number, nothing to really distinguish the events of this chapter compared to the others.
Hilarious chapter,
but now I am all caught up. 
What are the odds that Kudzu is going to use the various comments screaming about Gosling's age as headlines for the gossip rags?
(said with full knowledge that I was one of said screamers)
7152837
Oh, that is about to be dealt with by Blueblood.
7149020 I was gonna do that!!! Oh, poor, poor, Gosling. They are all your chaperones.
Im taking too many screenshots, these jokes and remarks, too good man.
Nice parody of Biz Markie's "Just a Friend."
Edit: "Just a Rash" by Bloody Fetus
Oh my god, Blueblood.
The perils of constantly being naked.
Oh my god, Cadance likes to watch (and advise!).
The horror!
7161913 I don't know human males can experience similar perils you know when you have a bulge that you hope no one notices
Celestia seems a lot more assured in this story than in the last one. Golsing seems to be as well, but Celestia particularly so. I was hoping for more awkward antics as they both try and feel the other out, but she's always so perfectly collected around Gosling now. Case and point: the dirty jokes about his erection.
... Does every word of that crossword have to do with sleepiness?
2nd best laugh so far, keep up the good work
Gotta love that Celestia called Twillight a annoying little know it all, that just proves that even she can get fed up with her at times and stoop down to name calling.
'NEVER interfere with a crossword addict unless asked!' -relationship rule no:4362.