Sunset returns home only to find it not as she remembers it. The ponies of the world she finds herself in are sexy futa mares and she's the only human in the world. And the mares of this world find her scent intoxicating making her very desirable.
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This is pretty good actually. Now I'm hook to it.
love it
I'm just going to be blunt here. You need an editor/proofreader (if you don't have one already). Your writing itself is pretty good but, you need to know how good the story flows from another perspective because this feels too rushed for me and symbols and capitalization is your weakness. Which could easily be fixed by an editor/proofreader. All things considered, i'm looking forward to this story. .
I'd suggest looking up the grammar rules on when to put -ed at the end of a word. It was your big, consistent issue which cropped up around ten times in this chapter. In the first paragraph, as an example, there were cases where you should have used returned, trapped (twice) and remained instead of the versions without ed at the end of the words.
If you went back and fixed this one issue you'll fix most of the problems, as the story itself looks interesting .
Cant wait for the next chapter!! This is going to be sweet.
Can't wait for the next chapter.
I had two big problems with this.
Story wise, it's pretty good, but the consistent grammatical errors threw me off. Try to find a proofreader, as there are many people on this website who would be more than happy to help you improve.
The whole thing felt too rushed. Calm down friend, there are more chapters that can be written, no worries.
6914392 da action words need to be past tense. Derp. Much errors. Very headache. Such pain.
Alright. Interesting start. You give an actual reason for why this is happening and Celestia's emotions are nicely endearing. Plenty of typos, but those can be forgiven for a good story.
Wish I could read this, but I can't endure the broken english. Sorry, have a like.
Confusing. Why are they confused that sunset looks more like an ape? Celestia said they don't have hooves so they must look pretty much the same as they did in EG
Editor, you need one.
7760876 One or more.
Tensing consistency and wrong words. If you're going to say something is too small/thin/narrow/fat/big/etc for something else, the something has to be the opposite and also comparisons use 'than', if you use 'then' you're saying something happened before something else happened. It's just one of the mistakes that really need to be looked at in this.
Also, how the flaming heck is Celestia managing to 'nurse' Sunset? You do know that without magic to get milk to be produced in mammals they have to be either pregnant or within about a year or two of having had a child, most dairy herds of cattle are actually bred to maintain their milk production and have been specifically bred to have larger than normal reserves/production so they'll have enough for humans to tap into it for all our milk, cream, cheese, etc needs.
This has peaked my interest. It's great so far
Reading it once more . Prove its worth the effort you part putting into it . As I have yet to read the newer chapters, so I'm not sure if you made changes , but I want to say this . As its clear that Sunset is from the cannon universe and was thrown into an alternate version of Equestria , but I am leaving the idea of this happening instead. What if Sunset was not of the cannon Equestria, but of this universe instead and the potions she drank and stuff ate actually caused her coma-like sleep her experience in the Equestria Girls universe, at least the part until Twilight suppose to appear . Its clear when Twilight is added to Sunset's heard, she does not recognize her, meaning she is from a moment before the cannon Twilight arrived in the human world to get her crown back.
So I thinking that at least your version of Sunset return back home to see if things were different and it was before Twilight became an Alicorn, and thus the feelings of hatred had yet to develop. Or she could be Sunset of this universe, who return back home early for similar reasons, but trapped and falling into coma after the explosion and eating and drinking the potions and magic stuff, caused her mind to twist things around. Maybe learning about ponies and two genders in the human world, caused her to believe that her world is suppose to be like the cannon Equestria world. It would be the biggest twist to her life, and how you could prove this, well have Sunset travel to the cannon human world and encounter her counterpart and that of Twilight, and somehow this caused her to remember what happened to her .
And in the end, this is a suggestion for the story, nothing more.
Pardon my interruption, but I have several questions about this scenario.
The first I would like to ask is why, if trapped in a locked room with the materials to create explosives, would one wait so long to use them? Sunset had no food or water, and apparently no other way out of the room despite the fact that the portal, according to canon, seems to last for several days. Unless Sunset had, in this version of events, timed her travel as to be on the very last moment that it would be open, she should have had access to the other world for at least two of those three days in the vault.
I've read a bit further than this on my own, so I will pose my other questions in the threads for those specific chapters.
8702047
Plot point
You really need to go back and proofread this. You don't seem to understand what past tense is or how to properly use it.
God, the grammar here is terrible.
Just recap and make sure my brain isn't on fritz, sunset ends up in an Au of her home? So this isnt the equestria she knows?
(Also read authors notes. lol)
11331349
Yes Sunset remembers the cannon pony world
Hmm, this story is very interesting, good job.
Can't wait to see how this story will go on in the future.
11331491
Ty. Do love this story but i wonder if it ever crossed celestia mine this might not be her sunset. Need read this again, right now have so many unread fics i need catch up on lol