An Untold Story

When I was young I thought the family I had found would be with me forever, even if we were different. Not everypony sees the difference in others as a good thing though.

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Comments ( 5 )

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nioniosbbbb

nioniosbbbb #1 · Dec 31st, 2015 · · ·

Halfway through the chapter it becomes a bit too quick. When the draining events happen.

I also don't understand how they didn't happen earlier and how quickly an adopted filly can go from being in a loving family to exiled.

Was Celestia jealous? What about Luna? Didn't they know or love their adopted sister?

Timbre Pitch

Timbre Pitch #2 · Jan 1st, 2016 · · ·

6786003 Fair enough. I've done some revisions to improve it. I normally write with most of the story already planned out, but this time I didn't plan anything. I think this is significantly better, but some of your questions will be answered in later chapters.

nioniosbbbb

nioniosbbbb #3 · Jan 1st, 2016 · · ·

6786985 Alright I will try to check it out.

nioniosbbbb

nioniosbbbb #4 · Jan 1st, 2016 · · ·

6786985 Tons better. Though you could place the dialogue where Chrysalis says "I did something bad" after she describes herself because it takes a lot to resume the dialogue.

Other than that it seems to me that the guard's reaction was sudden, but then again you explained how the situation went on with Chrysalis so he might be one of these people/ponies.

It seems that as Chrysalis grows the love sucking becomes more intense? And I suppose she eats normally like everyone else? I do wonder... Can she control her feeding?

I do expect some action to be taken against the guard should his actions be revealed.

Overall great improvement and great promise. Have a favlike and follow.

I like how you received my feedback. I am looking forward to seeing more of this and more of Chrysalis and her relations/reactions and those of her family at her loss.

Putainnn