• Member Since 20th Jun, 2013
  • offline last seen Apr 4th, 2019

Valen


Like a moth flittering towards a flame.

T

Ever feel like you should be doing something? Like there's something missing from your life? Then you know how it feels to be Mimic Shift. Mimic is a Changeling living within Hive Mephistis, home of the great Queen Chrysalis. Stuck in a job which will only lead to his death, life doesn't seem to have much of a point, but Mimic's not worried, he's got friends who will help him make the most of his life, and with friends like these, what could possibly go wrong?

Welcome to Living The Hive Life, where we follow the tales of all manner of Changeling life, so sit back, grab some popcorn and relax as we regale you with our tales of adventure, romance and most of all, stupidity.

~~~~~~

Wow, this thing has been in the works for awhile. I should be updating this weekly-ish but don't hold me to it!

Special thanks to Cerulean Voice for all his help with editing!

Thank you to my amazing editor and friend FluxerCry for listening to all my stupid ideas and throwing in his own!

To Necrath thanks for letting me use your art as the cover, and for inspiring this story with said art!

And last off, thank you! All of you for reading this, I really appreciate it. Please, leave a comment on what you thought about the story! I appreciate any and all criticism. See you all later!

~DeepShift

Rated Teen for occasional swearing

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 65 )

This is looking promising, so far it's amusing and light-hearted; just what I like out of a Slice-of-Life.

Now, personally I don't like seeing all-caps used when there could be different ways to emphasize how loudly something was exclaimed, but I do find multiple exclamation points to be poor form. I would also suggest that when a character is reading something out loud, just structure the paragraph normally; having it structured like if it were a letter seems misleading, as if we got a "camera shot" of the letter itself and we're (or the character who wrote the letter is) reading it. If you do want that bit of imagery, than do leave it structured like that, but italicize it or something to set it apart from the narrative. Aside from those I honestly don't see anything wrong with this, just lots of potential.

As for future chapter suggestions, just stay true to Slice-of-Life (not very helpful, I know :twilightsheepish:). Episodic, like FiM, yanno? I noticed you opened up with this implication of something big happening; just be careful with that if they do end up getting involved with it in some form or another. It might get tempting later to switch to something more "exciting" if you happen to get bored of detailng these guys' day-to-day lives, but one of the things that frustrates me the most with a Slice-of-Life is seeing it suddenly get sucked into some adventure.

3468414 Thank you very much for the feedback, and favourite, I'd like to say that I do actually have a planned 'story arc' which will probably happen in the end, having the story become a bit more adventur-y for a bit, but I still intend to have the characters return to their lives after. :twilightblush:

~DeepShift

3468456 This is so gonna happen at some point.

3468441
Eh, I just see it happen sometimes because authors don't know where to go with their story, but if you're planning it then it should pan out just fine. Hhrmm, it'd be foolhardy of me to assume what you got planned, but I can tell you this: it's a hell of a lot more satisfying to see characters like this overcome the challenges they face by just being themselves, rather than buckling down and kicking ass.

Ah! But it's just the first chapter! Ignore my negativity; be happy, enjoy what you do and we'll see where that takes us. :pinkiehappy:

Also a typo in your description:

life doesen't seem to have much of a point, but Mimic's not worried

And in your short description (you didn't capitalize "and"):

and with friends like these, what could possibly go wrong

3468473 Thanks, and I hope you'll stick with us for the adventure! On another note, at this rate, I should get you as an editor! Either way, I really appreciate you taking the time to give me feedback, thanks again. :rainbowkiss:

~DeepShift

So apparently, achieving twenty views, seven upvotes and seven favourites is enough to get one's story into the popular stories box?
Dunno how, but, er, congratulations?
Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you with the editing, irl stuff just got kinda... strange.
I believe in this one's potential though :twilightsmile:

I like this story. It is good. I approve.

3468692 :pinkiehappy: Thanks very much pal, I'm looking forward to continuing this!

~DeepShift

This story is looking pretty good at the moment, well done mate :twilightsmile:

3468869 Thanks very much! :twilightblush: I appreciate it.

~DeepShift

3468977 Ya know what? I think I'm going to follow you too, you're pretty cool

3469016 Really? :pinkiesad2: Thanks so much! You have just earned an internet!

~DeepShift

Funny. Life in a changeling hive. :) What is their currency? Bits of harvested love?

3469105 Ya know, I've been tossing around a lot of ideas for currency, but in the end I just figured 'Why wouldn't they just use Bits?' so I left it :twilightblush:

~DeepShift

“Hey Swift?” Mimic asked, casually leaning against the wall.
“M’yeah?” Swift replied, opening his eyes to see Mimic’s mad grin mere inches away. “WAAAH!” the larger changeling screamed, scrambling backwards in surprise.

How did Mimic get from leaning against the wall to being right in Swift's face that fast? :rainbowhuh:

In a way, I’m even doing my patrol right now.

There's some logic for ya. :rainbowwild:

“A friendly game of tag,

Should be a period, not a comma.

The three drank together into the wee hours of the morning. Today was a good day.

Hmm... Two male and one female changeling in a house drinking and staying up late... I wonder what else happened. :trollestia:

“YOU BASTARD!”
“Hey, it’s not my fault! You broke her roof!”

That is awesome! :rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:

“I can lick my nose!”

myfacewhen.net/uploads/1186-alrighty-then.jpg

Some errors here and there, but I like this story! :twilightsmile: I want moar. :pinkiecrazy:

~A Dark Reminder

3471450 Yay! I'm really glad you enjoyed it, I actually already have a few chapters written, though one of them I can't upload for a good while :twilightsheepish:

~DeepShift

3472735 I'm sure if I beat you with a stick for a few hours, that answer might change. Also, good story. I like this.

Hey.
This.
This is good.
What's this about? :trixieshiftright:

3472779 Eh, the only reason I can't upload it currently is that It is too heavy for the story as it is currently, I'm thinking of making it 'Chapter 11'. :twilightsheepish:

3472858 Currently, it's about the wonderful shenanigans of Mimic and co. but evemntually I intend to have actual plot.

~DeepShift

3479671 Thank you very much for the kind words! I will strive to keep things interesting, and I hope you will continue to enjoy life within the Changeling cities :twilightsmile:

~DeepShift

Okay, I think that you should have put "I'm boooored" after <i>"This isn't their story" </i>

3479760 Maybe, but I felt that this way it'd be more jarring :twilightsheepish:

~DeepShift

Whats better than a story about changlings? A random, funny as hell story about changlings :rainbowlaugh: I can't wait to see what else you got in store for those 3!

3488286 An expanded cast for one thing :pinkiehappy:

~DeepShift

The beginning got me and I enjoyed the entire ride. Write more when you can. :heart: :pinkiecrazy:

3495160 Thanks very much, I should be uploading another episode sometime within the next three days.

~DeepShift

sexy rugged stranger Ivory made a face as she read the last sentence

Lol thats funny!

DeepShift, I gave your story a very thorough read. I used to be a big-shot in the reviewin’ world, and your story drew my attention enough for me to try and get back in the saddle once more. Since I am a mere human and not some uber-awesome pro reviewer that makes thousands of bucks a year, what I say can indeed clash with your ideas—perhaps even be outright wron’. I am liable to err, so I believe I should give out an apology in advance should I end up makin’ some sort of error. I ain’t perfect.

Now then, I believe it’s time I opened this review by saying that your vision of the changelings hive and the society that exists within in fascinatin’. It certainly does give it a spin that few other tales have (including mine, which sort of makes me want to add more details in later chapters). However, this tale does have many errors that, while not really workin’ against the overall mood, can and will prevent this here story from bein’ considered for such places as EqD. I know’s, since I myself was once a candidate for their pre-reader program.

At any rate, I will go ahead and start this review out with the story errors that jumped at me the most. I’ll save my final thoughts on this here tale till after I’ve gotten the nitty-gritty out of the way. If I seem a bit harsh, that’s only because I am trying to tell it as it is. I don’t sugar coat nothin’.

One word of warning though. Since I am doing this review off-line, It isn’t in a the typical “fimfiction” review format. For that, I apologize.

Let’s begin.


“Unseelie Court looks to it’s warriors to stand strong and protect their civilization from the multiple threats.”—Two errors off the bat here, friend. The first is your use of “it’s.” It’s, as you likely know, is short for IT IS. It’s is also a possessive term used for individuals. The way you have it here essentially makes the part read “….Court looks to IT IS warriors” Since the court in question isn’t an individual, you can’t say the warriors belong to it (even though they actually do). The best way to resolve this here issue is to just use “its.” Rather than “It’s.” Secondly, you outright misspelled civilization. That’s an easy enough fix to make.

Prophetic Moonlight, the world’s most talented seer.”—Off the bat, the name doesn’t sound very changeling-like. Sounds more like the name of a pony mage if you ask me. Granted, you seem to be going with more ‘safe’ names for your changelings, which is fine and dandy. However, it doesn’t really add much flavor to the overall culture of the changeling if you ask me. With the critters being the equivalent of vampiric life-suckers, I would expect them to use more exotic names. Take my story for example, almost all changelings use names that wouldn’t be out o’ place in a lovecraft story. Gro’gar and Shi’arma are just among the few of the slew o’ names for my changelings. Give this notion a second thought, as it might mean the difference between someone readin’ and saying “Yawn, plain name’s plain” and “Gee, this guy sure has some imagination. I think I’ll keep on reading.” Secondly, saying that he was the “most talented seer in the world” sounds a tad too boastful. Granted, the intro section’s being told from the point of view of an unreliable narrator that more than likely wishes to paint his race in as good a light as possible. While you can keep this bit as is, you have to make sure to demonstrate as the narration continues that this point of view is solely from the changeling’s own point of view, not an actual fact that is accepted word-wide. In case it actually is a fact accepted world-wide, then make sure you show that even other races find the fact that a changeling seer’s the best surprising (or infuriatin’, dependin’ on which race the subject’s getting compared to).

While not exactly incorrect, I find it somewhat archaic that you are using honour rather than Honor. I don’t know, it just found it odd to hear the old-style of the word used rather than the more modern term. I believe that it can add certain flair to the overall story, but it can just lead to some very odd circumstances—especially if the newer term is used later on without there being some kin’ of explanation as to why the two terms are different. I urge caution.

“Mimic’s mane was spiked upwards -- typical of a Changeling -- and he had a smooth, dark blue carapace.” And “Like his friend, he too sported a smooth dark blue carapace,”—According to the IDW comics (whose validity in cannon is still in question. But hey, it is the closest thing to the show currently in print that’s actually as good as—if not better—than the show), the dark blue “carapace” changeling have on their backs is actually a type of saddle-like piece of armor. This panel from the first issue demonstrates that.

Again, this is still somewhat in debate, but I would cautiously suggest you make their carapace clearly a type of clothing rather than direct body parts.

Swift was slightly taller than Mimic, landing him a good hoof taller than most Changelings.”—In this here sentence, since you already used Swift’s name earlier, I believe you’re safe just referrin’ to him as “he.” This will cut on the over-use of the character’s name early in the chapter and overall lead to a smoother flow of narration.

“Oh c’mon, it’s not like you’re much better, Swift.”—For this sentence, you can easily omit the mention of the character’s name. It will also improve the flow of narration.

“When was the last time I showed up?”—I can’t help but be kind of pissed at Mimic for bein’ such a lazy bum, especially since his attitude kind o’ reminds me of my high-school years some four years ago. Man oh man, if only I had stuck with the police academy instead o’ goofin’ off with friends. I’d probably a detective by now.

“Well, room wasn’t really the correct term, more like cave. Just as most Changelings did, Mimic lived inside a hollowed-out cave.—This reads like a fragmented sentence, particularly the second part. The period you use here cuts the thought far too severely. You’re better served with an em-dash or semicolon.

He, Swift and their mutual friend Dusk Shadows shared the place because none of them could afford rent on their own.”—This reads very oddly. I would suggest you re-write so it feels less cumbersome. Also, when you have just given a name, but still have to use a “and” to continue the thought, use a comma after the subject. It helps the flow of the narration. Not related the comment I just said above, but why would changelings be worried about affording their lodgings? I believe the lodging would be provided to them for their services to the hive. Am I missing something’ here, friend?

“Despite what some of the other Changelings thought, being a guard really didn't pay that well when over a third of your entire species served as one.”—Ah, that about answers my previous inquiry. So changeling guards actually get paid in money. You would think their services to the hive would earn them their keep instead of cash. Capitalism ho? Thinking more ‘bout this, it kind o’ makes more sense to have an army workin’ to earn their lodging, food supplies, and entertainment rather than givin’ out a direct monetary reward for said services. Money often breeds greed, which can lead to rifts in the hive. Troops that are given their keep as rewards for their services would be more loyal troops in the end. They would dedicate their lives to servin’ the hive rather than making bank, for they would be the hive. At any rate, the sentence feels a tad wonky. Consider streamlining a bit.

“As a result, what with a crappy job and not much else to do, Mimic would jump at the first fun idea that came to mind.”—This sentence bein’ alone feels wron’. It disrupts the great flow you had goin’.

“ “Tag!” shouted the smaller Changeling, before turning around and gracefully leaping out the window”—I personally think the situation would have been funnier had Mimic simply whispered everything.

“ “Mimic.” ”—This would have likely been funnier had Swift’s reaction been one of further outrage. He sees that his book’s missing, probably hisses or growls, and then promptly yells “Mimic!” before giving chase.

“he thought. Preferably with a few buckets of water in tow.—For this instance, since thought is bein’ more or less handled like dialogue, you can supplant that period with a comma to link all three instances of the sentence together. Otherwise, you have a fragment.

“Book. Now. Give.—One of the rules of funny states that the simpler something can be, the funnier it is—in this here case, havin’ Swift simply say, “Book. Now,” is enough to deliver the full comedic effect. As a result, “Give” ends up feelin’ like an unwanted third wheel. I suggest you omit.

You’re meant to say ‘tag’,”—Two things here. No. One is that using “You’re” here is wrong. Again, “You’re” is two different things. The first is the abbreviation of “you are.” The second is a form of possessive term (though I’ve rarely seen used it as such, and it will always get flagged wrong, since it’s a tad more archaic). In this particular situation, you are best served by simple saying “you.

“ “No!” Mimic replied simply,”—Read this to yourself a couple of times. The issue will become clear once you do (hint: the statement is contradictory).

“The former due to the fact that the two had luckily landed in somebody’s bath. The latter because said bath was occupied.”—Two fragments that really need to be together as one. Supplant the period with an em-dash.

“Quickly scrambling backwards, Mimic’s eyes darted around the room.”—In the earlier sentence, you gave us the subject (Mimic.) Since this is still describin’ said subject in the same overall location, using the name again results in an odd case of LUS—only instead of overusing a descriptor, you overuse the character’s name. The best way to avoid this is to simply supplant the subject with a “He.” That should fix it.

“~~~~~~”—Why use a divider between them breakin’ into the house, and them breakin’ down the door? It’s not exactly a jump in scene, nor is it a switch in POV. The divider has to be omitted to preserve the flow of the scene.


Alright, that about covers the issues in need of lookin’ over. Now, story wise, I am still diggin’ this story. It’s a tad on the short side, but I’m pretty sure you’ll expand in due time. Now, the biggest issue I found that you might want to address in later chapter is the relationship between Mimic and Swift. I say “issue,” because as it is, it feels unrefined and childish. Yes, this CAN be a trait inherit to both characters, but if it is, it needs to be properly explored. Why are these two changelings—who you’ve clearly state are in the hive guard—act like a pair of school children? Did somethin’ happen in their lives (or in this case, Mimic, who seems to be the more immature of the two) to make him act in this particular manner? Truth be told, I see a lot of potential for setting up a backstory that can actually serve as a tragic contrast to the light-hearted nature the tale seems to have so far.

Speakin’ of Light-hearted, I feel I should say this before I go further. You do not need to make this story “Teen,” nor have any harsh language. Yet. The best stories gradually grow darker and harsher as they move onward—it demonstrates progression, not only for the world you built, but the characters you created. From what I’ve read of this first chapter, you have absolutely no need to have harsh dialogue. Take that away, and you’ve got yourself a first chapter that’s readable by all.

At any rate, this was a very enjoyable first chapter. I can’t really rate this tale just by having read this one chapter (which again, was rather short). I will keep an eye out for future updates however. If I get the time, I’ll also give the proceeding chapters a review, but I have to work on my own stories as well, including the one I mentioned involving changelings as well. For now though, this is all I’ve got. Keep writing, don’t let no one discourage you, and see about expanding future chapters to create a deeper and more engrossing tale.

3521062 Welp, I'll start by saying thanks very much for the help. Some of the things you've picked out are simply differences in english I guess, because Civilisation is correct over here. Either way, I see a lot of the flow stuff you've mentioned, and have endeavoured to fix it up. I still refer to the clothes/armour as a carapace because I imagine that would be the term for it within the society, I have also tried to explain Mimic and Swift's lodgings. Now, since you've mentioned it, I will say that I do have some reasons for why Mimic and Swift act the way they do, but I'm not sure if they are good enough. I won't state it here, but if you'd be willing to help me out via a PM ir something there, I'd appreciate it. I'm probably going to leave this as a teen for the time being, simply because I kind of like the way the characters talk to eachother.

Now, on the note of continued story. I'm thinking for the first 'Arc' of it, it will just be slice of life snippets of them going about their lives. This will help get the characters better developed and intropduce all the characters for when I intend to start the second Arc, where I plan on having some more story elements than simply comedy. Anyway, thanks again for the review! It's much appreciated. :twilightsmile:

~DeepShift

3523854
It was a pleasure to read your story. Yes, I would be willing to aid you, but you would need to drop me a PM, since I am a bit busy ATM. Perhaps we can even aid each other.

While I'm no big fan of Changelings as a species, I find stories about them immensely fun to read. I don't know why, Changelings OCs just tend to be written better than average pony OCs, and if one adds the right amount of comedy, randomness and cultural aspects of their lives, well... it makes me want to Live the Hive Life (that's sooo witty of me, I know!). :raritywink:

What's that? There's also a Romance tag for that? That's it, faved, upvoted, commented, changed my wallpaper to a Chryssi one... and now eagerly awaiting for more about Ivory Light!

3554252 Things may not be as you seem to expect :raritywink: Though I am afraid this story won't be able to update all too often for awhile. Don't fret though! Theres no way I'm giving up on this, too many ideas :twilightsheepish:

~DeepShift

If you guys so=pot any glaring mistakes,

Welp, there's one. :trollestia:

Happy Christmas dude. I'll get to this whenever I find the time in the next few days. Send me the GDoc as usual.

YES! A new chapter! It's like it's Christmas or something... Wait a minute, it is! :pinkiegasp:

Remember last year when those salamanders attacked and you lead your squad behind enemy lines and took out their leader?

I read that as Slendermans the first time. :derpytongue2:


3682330 :rainbowkiss: Silly Darky! So, you enjoy it?

~DeepShift

3682355 Yay! Mimic has made his epic return, and now we have an entire cast of new characters joining in :pinkiehappy: Out of interest, who's your favourite character so far?

~DeepShift

3682375 Yay for main protagonist! :rainbowlaugh: How about out of the others?

3682378
I'll need to see more of them before I judge.:moustache:

3682400 Fair enough, well ther's still about nine more chapters to go before volume 2 :twilightsheepish:

~DeepShift

It's too bad you can't thumbs up this story a second time, cause damned if i didnt enjoy how you wrote Queen Chrysalis here. :pinkiesmile:

3682489 Thank you so much! I'm glad you enjoyed Chryssi, pretty much all the characters in this chapter are going to join the 'Recurring character' list.

~DeepShift

3684457 :rainbowlaugh: HA! YES! Somebody has got it! You deserve a cookie.

~DeepShift

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