Private Lessons

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Comments ( 6 )

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Fabulosity

Fabulosity #1 · Aug 26th, 2016 · 1 · ·

7512959 Maaaaaaybe.~

Omnishifter

Omnishifter #2 · Aug 31st, 2016 · · ·

This is pretty good, but I take issue with the pov changing being poor, and too much synonym use, and finally it doesn't flow well (though that may be because of the aforementioned, or because there isn't enough background). Still I love the premise, and it isn't too bad, just not solidly good, so I'm still liking this and placing it in my Pleasure (changed to Disappointment) folder.

livinthelife

livinthelife #3 · Jan 4th, 2017 · · ·

I'm assuming you're a non-native English speaker. Not that your English is bad, it's largely undetectable, but you have a bad habit of slipping into the subjunctive mood inappropriately.

Take this sentence,

Yours isn't so bad, either." Sunny would say, returning with a compliment of her own.

In many languages this construction would be completely appropriate, even desirable. But in English and other Germanic languages by saying "...Sunny would say..." you are strongly implying that she is not saying it and is merely considering a hypothetical where she may say it. When a reader comes to this it leaves them confused as to what is actually happening in the story. Unless your character is actually pondering something unreal I'd advise sticking to the indicative mood.

Fabulosity

Fabulosity #4 · Jan 5th, 2017 · · ·

7843254 Thanks for your input on that. Honestly, it's merely habit over anything else. Just gotta keep improving!

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