Two Pegasus twins by the name of Thunder and Lightning begin at Clouds-Dale. They are welcomed by all and soon make a name for themselves for being such great flyers. This angers Rainbow Dash and she soon becomes jealous of their abilities, little does she know that she will soon develop feelings for Thunder. Lightning on the other hand begins to shine more than his brother in terms of flying, and also begins to fall in love with Fluttershy. I did not copy anyone or anything in the making of this story; it's all original. Seriously it is!
Chapters (3)
yay a Dash and OC fic! just like mine!
also first comment :3
*shoots Lightning at Lightning*
Can he survive Lightning if his name is Lightning?
Lets check!
*checks*
Turns out he can't. :3
@fireflash: thanks a lot
@beloved weatherstorm: thanks a lot! And I have nearly another chapter writing: it's going to be a little longer(probs by 500-700 words) and i have the whole story sketched out. So thanjs again glad you enjoyed it!
@dark lightning: what the hell are you talking about?
P.S thanks to anyone who liked or favorited this story!
Liking the story so far. Can't wait to see romance blossom between the four. Keep up the good work!
Written another chapter! But haven't even gotten to the actual race yet! I hope to have the next chapter up by today, the race chapter will be up sometime next week; thanks for being patience!
I've been waiting for this storie so long. Its hard to find a story like this.
Okay, I'm gonna sound like a bit of a jerk here, but this story does not sound good at all. Just reading the description, I can already tell that you are wading deeeeeeeeeeeep into Mary Sue territory. Two as of right now unknown pegasi who go to Cloudsdale, get immediately accepted by everyone, are better than Rainbow Dash at flying (need I remind you the one thing that makes her unique is the fact that she's one of the best flyers in Equestria?), and THEN Thunder and Lightning fall for Rainbow and Fluttershy respectively?
Look man, I'm not normally this hard on people's stories, but this just sounds bad. I'm kinda hoping that this is intentional on your part, because if the rest of the story is as fraught with obvious Mary Sue and self-insert characteristics as the description, then I'm kind of worried about you. I'm certain that you could bring this fandom a great story, but as far as this one is concerned, you should either scrap it and start a new one, or make some serious edits so that your characters can have some more appeal and better fit into the world that they've been placed in.
I would highly suggest that you read tvtropes' article on Common Mary Sue Traits and So You Want To Avoid Writing A Mary Sue. They will prove invaluable assets, and with some practice and time, you could be a very accomplished writer for this fandom.
Hope this helped, and if you had any problems with this, don't hesitate to come find me, either here or on DeviantArt.
Few things to say:
1. I'm sorry; I shouldn't of ended it like that. (It's just not my style.)
2. If you guys like it that much, why not someone take it over; I have the Word Documents saved. (PM me if interessed.)
3. Sticks and Stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
4. I am not "giving up". I have just realised that this type of story isn't my style and I don't enjoy writing it.
Well no-one has asked to take it over and there is no way in hell that I am writing another chapter! Sorry, but I don't like writing this. P.S
This story will be deleted in one week. (Give or take a few days.)