Flux Capacitor is from another dimension Gallifrey. But when an innocent game throws her into a world of candy-colored horses, the game becomes a little more intense! Read on as our little filly travels through this new found land!
Chapters (5)
- Member Since 22nd Jul, 2015
- offline last seen Jul 5th, 2016
fluxcapacitor100
I'm a youtuber and an artist. I also recently started putting my OC's story online
fluxcapacitor100
Joined 22nd Jul, 2015 ·
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I love what you have so far! I can't wait to read more
Greetings and/or ho ho ho, travellers. This is me. Not the not-me. The me-me, if you like that better.
Anyhow, I felt the strange compulsion to be here, for the time being. (Thou shouldest be perfectly able to discern my reason on thine own, thank thee very much.)
Hmm, hmm, hm. As to what now?
Ah, yes. The grammar daleks living inside my brain demand - justice? Pizza? Retribution? The complete extermination of all grammatical faults?
I think it was the latter one.
So, please look at the second paragraph. Then look at the third and fourth paragraph. Look at the fifth paragraph. Look back at the second paragraph.
What do we notice? Tempus. You got your tenses mixed up, my dear. The second paragraph is in an awful mixture of present and past, the third and fourth are in present tense, from the fifth paragraph on, the story is in past tense.
At the very least, I would inquire of you to correct the second paragraph. The tense shifts make it both confusing and slightly aggravating to read.
Further judgement will be deferred after I have read the second chapter. (Mwhahahaha!)
See you later!
Hey, remember what I said about tenses? It still applies to this chapter. Let me do a silly dance!
I'll be right back.
Okay, I'm back from doing the silly dance.
Now, I know that projecting a viewpoint of polydimensional temporality and/or eternity to linear time can be difficult and even confusing, but frequent tense shifts are generally, well, not good writing.
The next thing I want to address is the pacing. I might not actually know a lot about pacing, but I do know that the pace you are going through the story is, well, quite fast, to understate it a bit. In other words, it feels rushed. But I wouldn't count on me being right about that, so, please, ask someone who actually knows something about pacing.
Now that all the boring, technical stuff is out of the way, let's look at the story itself.
Why? Or, rather, explain! Explain! Explain!
Why doesn't she remember? What caused her amnesia? People don't just forget that kind of stuff, do they?
Was she hit on the head? Was she drugged? Who drugged her? Did Visible Light drug her? Did Visible Light's secret wish for foals lead her to drug this small filly into believing she was her mother?
What happened?
Also, wings. Every rational part of me tells me that this can't work. Why, you ask?
[1]Steel wings. Steel is heavy. In order to fly with steel wings, you need to be able to flap'em real hard. (Or be an aeroplane. Is the Traveller an aeroplane?) To flap'em real hard, you need strong muscles. Strong wing muscles. Muscles the Traveller, not being a pegasus, does not have.
[2]Magic. Pegasus magic is different from earth pony magic. Proof? Pegasi walk on clouds, earth ponies don't. Second, pegasi need their pegasus magic to fly. Proof? They couldn't fly after Tirek drained them. Again, the Traveller is an earth pony. No pegasus magic there.
The only way to make these wings work is magic. Lots of magic. So much magic in fact, I'd wager it would make the wings unnecessary. Put the magic in a pedant, put the pedant round your neck: Bam, flight achieved, no wings involved.
Lastly, steel wings are made of steel. Steel is not well known for being flexible. Steel wings mean clumsy flight, bad manoeuvrability, and so forth. I'm not saying the Traveller can't fly with steel wings, I'm just saying it would be quite inconvenient.
If I seemed abrasive, sorry. That wasn't my intention. I just get a bit over-enthusiastic sometimes; also, I have a tendency to rant.
Wall of text ends here.
6239806 Thank you for your concern for this story. Also, thanks for providing constructive criticism instead of going off on me :P and i have furthered my facts about metals. And I've figured out her wings are made of lithium, the lightest metal. and even when together it would be heavy, but they're so thin they are pretty light and partially flimsy. and the wings are actually partially connected to some of Flux's own nerves, just not each metal piece. she engineered them (hah, engineer!) in such a way because she knows all the problems. Like, she made the metal close together and the middle pieces long because she knew she would need to create LOTS of wind resistance to get her up off the ground. and lastly, she's actually not able to walk on clouds. This is one of the things i thought through a little more. and Flux will figure it out pretty quickly. and i know this explanation sounds really REALLY stupid and so does the entire story, it's all unrealistic. but the way i see it, stories about candy colored unicorns and pegasi and alicorns and ponies in general are pretty unrealistic. i've seen a lot of stories worse than mine (NOT saying my story is like up in that category of goods stories). so i kinda like to let things happen, even if they have little to no explanation. Again, I DO appreciate you helping me out. I'll definitely take what you've said into account as i write on ^^ and i'll try to make them less rushed and in the same tense
6238947 thank you very much. this story will get better in the next chapters
6239256 i might be able to find a way to work that in, as Flux isn't dead yet. she's got hundreds of years left on her.
6240585
Using a lighter metal? Good idea! But, um, Lithium? Do you know what happens to Lithium when it gets wet?
That's right. It burns.
If you want a light metal, use aluminium, which is also used in real-world aircraft, or an alloy thereof.
Next, making the pieces thinner will also reduce the weight, but creates the problem of reduced stability. It's like the difference between a block of wood and a sheet of paper. You can make planes out of aluminium, but you can't use aluminium foil.
If you look a bit at both birds and planes, you'll find one thing: bird bones are hollow; feather shafts are hollow, aeroplane wings are hollow. Hollow things weigh less but still can be pretty stable.
Still, there is the problem of not having the proper muscles to move the wings.
The thing is, flight is hard. Real hard. And everything flying in My Little Pony that is not a bird, a hot air balloon or a normal cloud is actually cheating by using magic. Everything.
6240742 ah yes thank you. i almost just made a bigger fool of myself than i already sound lol ^^
if you can see a nuclear explosion, the radiation has already reached you. If you are too close, the thermal radiation kills you instantly. Then there's the shockwave of blazing hot, overpressurized air moving towards you at mach speed. Deadly, most likely carrying radioactive particles, but it's not a shockwave of radiation.
Also, the war effort is fantastically bad organized if the research crew is stationed in a building in the middle of the fray and they can just go on and willy-nilly drop nuclear bombs.
Lastly, and most importantly, there's the issue of-*ZAAP*
Communications barrier breached! A source of tense shift has been localized! Awaiting further orders!
Dalek Navigator, confirm presence of tense shifts!
Confirmed! Our scans identify several shifts between simple past and simple present at irregular intervals!
Bringing example on screen!
These are severe issues! Initiate purge request! Establish visual link!
I obey!
Visual contact established! Opening communications channel!
This is the Supreme Dalek speaking! All humans will obey! You will remove the inconsistency of tenses from this text! It must be rectified! All grammatical faults must be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate! Extermina-
[Personality override in progress.]
[System reset.]
Um, sorry, did I miss something? Er, whatever. What I wanted to say is that you should choose a tense (past or present) and then stick with that instead of randomly switching from one to the other. It's really irritating
6241644 i was actually hoping you would read this you're my official spell checker person. i tried to make sure i watched my tenses this time (and you gotta admit i did much better this time around!) but i did feel like i was gonna screw something up, and boy i did lol. someday, someday im gonna write a perfect story
6241644 okay now look at it i fixed it i think
6241902
I kinda walked into that one, didn't I?
Well, I've never really been a proof reader before, so why not give it a shot?
How about this: I read through the chapters again, make a list of all the things that seem like spelling mistakes, typos, and so forth, and then pm you that list.
Does that sound good to you?
6242368 yeah sure ^^