MizukiCereval
Joined 23rd Jun, 2015 ·
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I like it, seeing how a tough luck changes from a weak filly to a strong warrior is a nice change from the usually foe story. and I like how it shows how tough life as a slave is, but I have a problem. If this is a timeline in which little pip doesn't leave her stable, why does the NCR exist. Her action kind of cause the creation of the NCR, and who is this legion.
Wow, this is a rather vicious story it seems. o.O;; But a critique is in order, I suppose.
First, the pros: There's a clear story and a direction, and it clearly seems that there is going to be more coming. Tough Luck is quite tragic it seems, which is a good way to build a rapport for her. Overall, the story has a heading, and I'd like to see where it goes.
Now, the cons: It feels a bit rushed at times. She goes from foal to slave to warrior to free, all in an abrupt time. While the story may focus on the coming parts, it makes it hard to empathize with some of the characters currently, like Sweet Poison or Glimmerhoof. They're mentioned as being important, but it seems that they are also just *there*, if that makes sense. And for me, it's a bit vicious, but that's just personal taste.
Overall, I think you're starting off strong, but try to get the story told instead of forced. At least that's my advice. Goodness knows I've tried to force things out before, and those usually end up being the chapters I wish to rewrite. Overall, I'd like to see where it's going though. ^^
@starwars90001: She did leave her stable, but she wasn't successful in the world changing events that happened in the main timeline. This is alternate universe to the roleplay that I participate in, so some things got hoofwavium'd.
@Requiem Mori: The other 'important' characters are going to be expounded on later in the story...and it is a bit rushed, true. Sometimes when I have my story idea out, I want to get it out before I forget or lose motivation. I'll try to expound a little more on the time line!
It is indeed brutal. It is a story about a slave turned soldier turned raider. Thar be evil things ahead.