Jaded Dawn is a Pegasus who was raised amongst the hustle and bustle of the large northern city of Trotsdale. He is seventeen years old, and has recently graduated high school. Coming up is his eighteenth birthday. He is going to be working until then, and slightly after to earn some bits for what he plans next. He is moving to a small town near Canterlot. The town is, of course, none other than Ponyville! The first pony he meets is a timid yellow Pegasus, but after initially startling her, they get along well. Jaded soon learns just how much he hates doors, especially when they are being opened by a small dragon.
Chapters (2)
Okay, I've read the introduction, time to review:
First let's start with the narrative. You switch between first person and third person narrative, which can become confusing very fast. Pick one of the two and stick to it.
Now the paragraphs. In my opinion you should space them out a tiny bit more.
Next, the presentation of the story. It seems very fast paced. You should read the chapter once you've finished it (if you aren't doing it), and try slowing the pace a bit. A good example from the story is the conversation with Morning Glory. For a character who is considered a good friend with the main protagonist, the conversation was way, WAY too short. Try to add more to the story between the lines of dialog, and make their departure a bit more heart-felt. Remember, if she's such a good friend then show it it the story.
One final thing that is really not that important are the character's thoughts. Try to avoid using quotation marks when a character is thinking rather than actually speaking. For instance, instead of-
Try this-
I also used italics, but that's just a personal preference.
That's all I could come up with for now, do with this information as you will.
P.S- Good luck with the story. For your first story it's quite well made, better than my first one
Thank you! I also realized something. "Jaded 'though' to himself."
And the only reason it is this good, is that I have taken a writing class. The teacher is excellent at what she does, and my friends in the class are doing swimmingly. My talent, though, is reports and such, which is why I am writing fanfiction. Trying to make my story writing better, and have fun at the same time.
Also, it is supposed to be first-person, so I will get to fixing that. I will talk to some of my friends, and see if they can help me with proof-reading.
Sorry, that previous comment was meant to say "third-person."
Ignore the name in the author's notes. It has been changed.
Also, I believe I have fixed everything you mentioned, along with some various typos. My sister spilled tea on my computer yesterday, which resulted in some keys not working properly. All is well now.
To that person who just pm'ed me, please check the rating of this story. It will remain the same as it is now. I shall never do what you requested. I am posting this here, to prevent any further questions regarding the matter.
Liking it so far but I also kinda want to strangle you for using my OC's name backwards.
Anyway,
Having trouble pinpointing jaded dawn's personality. Is he just an overall nice guy? A geek like Twilight? Does he have a mischievous side? Or all of the above?
Also are we going to see any princesses in this fic?
This chapter is way too rushed. Almost all interactions with the characters are done passively. Instead of saying 'One interview later' explain what kind of Questions Twilight asked. Instead of skipping the dinner scene why not add a little conversation between the characters. This chapter need more meat to it if you know what I'm saying
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Sorry about the OC thing. i wrote the first chapter a few months ago, but just recently decided to actually do something with it, which led to an entire rewrite. In fact, on several accounts on other services, my username is something related to the story, and my picture is the same as the cover art.
To your question regarding Jaded's personality, the first two were right.
And we may or may not see a certain princess later in the story.
Luna is best princess.
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Sorry. I had like an hour to write it. I was trying to take my time, but it was also about three in the morning.
6145125 You should never feel constricted by time when you write your stories. It's not like you're signed in a contract. Give yourself time to properly form the story in your head, properly express it when you write, and review it when you're finished