"Eternal chaos comes with chocolate rain, you guys. CHOCOLATE RAIN!!!!" I don't know about any of you, but I'm rooting for eternal chaos. GO DISCORD!!
Princess Twilight Sparkle and her husband, Flash Sentry, have had a perfectly happy life. Then, one day, Flash gets called to Saddle Arabia on a dangerous mission. Twilight waits happily for his return, awaiting him with a surprise that he might never get to see.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Good story though, but I kinda feel that most of the characters are out of character. Especially the mailpony. Celestia didn't quite act the same as she should, Twilight wasn't really 'sciencey,' and Flash Sentry, a pegasus, somehow died in an accident that involved the ground slipping away. I don't see how any pegasus could have failed to use their wings, unless the guards are less trained that Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy, who in a similar scenario, saved themselves and the other ponies. Plus trained unicorn guards should be able to use magic in dire circumstances.
Even though this story was short, it was well written and owned a good plot. It leaves a major cliffhanger that shows many adventures will await Twilight and her new foal. I liked it.
I only found a few flaws. First off, I feel a bit like it was rushed. Twilight getting a note in the mail telling her of her husband leaving, her getting sick and sending a letter to Celestia, Celestia replying to come to the castle, her coming to the castle, Celestia revealing she's pregnant, Twilight going home and falling asleep, waking up and worrying/dreaming about the future, Twilight writing a letter and going to the castle, and learning that Flash died all happens in a few days. I feel that it could've been stretched over a longer period of time. Maybe Twilight got the letter, and a few days later she started to feel sick. Then she told Celestia, and Celestia replied quickly and - well, you get my point.
Lastly, I realized something about Shining Armor - or, rather, discussion about him. When Celestia reveals he died on the mission with Flash, she literally says, "And so is Shining Armor", referring to him dying. Twilight goes home and cries, yet she only realizes her brother died after she gets home and after she cries. With Twilight being the good listener she is, she should've heard that part in the conversation.
All in all, it was a great short read. I enjoyed it, and I encourage you to keep writing great stories.
Also please note that I am not poking fun at you or trying to be rude. I'm only trying to help.
Do you think it's normal for females to feel stupid when they are pregnant or because it's Flash Sentry's seed in her that is making Twilight feel this way?
6018634
It's emotions on overdrive enhancing things like that.
6018634 Screw off. The story was great, a little rushed, but still amazing. I don't think anyone here likes your complaints, so take it, and go screw yourself with it. Its hormones, she was feeling moody, and that's how she felt.
6025930
Calm down there buddy, he didn't know the answer, and he made a joke. Keep your negative opinions to yourself.
I really like the concept, however the problem was the execution. First off, the story would he better if it were longer. Much longer. If you want one chapter, you should go with maybe 5,000 to 10,000 words. Maybe a bit more. It's hard to catch a viewer with 1,000 words. (I speak from experience.) But to keep these short chapters, you'll want to make multiple chapters. Hell, doing both of those could work. You should do a remake of this. Even if you won't, this could be good advice for any story. When writing, put as much time and effort as you can into it. Read the story over and over again. But read it as if you were an average Fimfiction user. Are you satisfied? If yes, upload it. If no, rewrite the parts that left a bad taste in your mouth, then rinse and repeat.
6176632
I really only wrote this because I was upset with my boyfriend because he wants to join the army when he gets older. I honestly don't care if it's good or bad, I just wrote it because of how I was feeling. Thank you for the advice.
6176647 You're welcome.
6176647 i'm really sorry to hear that i hope he changes his mind if he ever reads this and sees how you feel about him joining the marine corp or what he plans on doing
This is wishful thinking but I can see Shining and Flash actually surviving, Flash supporting Shining by reminding him that's he's a father (yes I read this after season 6) and Shining by orders, the two barely make it and I mean dumb luck barely make...again wishful thinking