Tired
I'm really tired, you know?
Just...Wow. There's been a lot going on, recently. For me at least. I mean, yesterday was my fifth year anniversary for being in the Wonderbolts. First anniversary as captain, too.
Pinkie threw a really big party. It was nice, I guess. It distracted me for awhile, at least two hours. But then it just got...I don't know, same-y? Boring? Old. It just got old, just like everything else.
Don't get me wrong, my life isn't...Bad, per se. I have everything I've ever wanted. Big house, good friends, best job in the world - and I'm grateful, I really am, just...
What am I doing? I have this amazing life, I've done these amazing things...I've saved the world countless times, and now I'm just....Here. On top of this building, staring out at the world that was once so new, so exiting, so magical - but now it's just...Old. Boring. Everything is, nowadays.
I don't really like the idea of never seeing my friends again, but I don't really like the idea of them seeing me waste away, grow even more tired than I already am...Applejack noticed just last week, mentioned how she misses my spark. I really don't want to see when Fluttershy notices. Gosh, she'll be so worried...
I guess I just want to quit while I'm ahead, is all. Why go on any longer? I've hit all my goals, reached my highest peaks - I've flown as high as I possibly can. I just...Oh, who am i kidding. I wish I could say that this was selfless, that I just don't want everypony else to get upset about me.
i know that this is selfish. I know that this will be more upsetting than watching me grow grey and tired.
But, honestly?
I'm selfish.
I just don't care anymore.
I can't, just can't deal with this anymore. The sinking feeling I get every morning when I wake up in the same bed, the same place, the same time - knowing that I have a plain, boring day waiting for me on the other side of my bedroom door.
...I've been sleeping a lot more often lately. It's like being dead, but without the commitment.
Heh...Bet Pinkie would have loved to hear that one.
...Oh.
That's first time I've said it.
'Dead'.
I'm...going to be dead soon.
The thought doesn't scare me as much as it should. It's..comforting. Freeing. Like thinking, 'Oh! I can take a nap today, and there's nopony that's going to tell me when to wake up!"
Yeah...Just like that. I smile, as I walk a few steps closer to the edge.
A few more.
My hooves are on the ledge, and I'm looking down.
Just one step, and I'll be falling.
...
Do I really want this, though...?
To never see my friends again?
I stand there awhile, thinking. Debating, I guess is the right word. I'm so tired. I've spent all day at home, yet my limbs ache with the weight of holding me up. Would it be cliche to say I've got the weight of the world on my shoulders?
Heh...I guess we all get a little bit sappy, when we're thinking about committing...Gah, I can't say it. You know what I mean.
I spread my wings and feel the breeze between the feathers. The breeze feels like home, more than this big empty house ever has. I could fly off, I think to myself. I could fly off and leave everypony behind, go on some wild adventure - I fly straight into tarterus without looking back. Or I could just...Fly. Fly until I land somewhere that I don't know, and then keep flying.
...Somehow, falling sounds a lot better than flying right now.
Not that I've ever gotten board with flying - It is and always has been my one and only true love. But I think it might be time to let even that go. I shut my wings, lifting one hoof.
Should I turn back?
Should I go get help, cry to my friends, get some counseling, find new goals?
...I don't think that would make me very happy. After all, I said that I'm being selfish tonight, so maybe I just need to look at what makes me happy...
Just one step.
And then, suddenly, I'm falling.
...
I haven't felt the sensation of falling quite like this in such a long, long time. Back when I got my cutie mark, I fell from about this height.
The thought makes me nostalgic.
I miss those days, so load and full of life - I had so many dreams, so many goals, so many ends to meet.
Now that I've lived all of it, seen all of it roll on past me - I just feel empty.
Tired, that's how i feel.
...Tired.
Falling towards the sleep I so desperately need, I feel relived. I made the right choice.
I expected, at this point, for some panic to set in. For my wings to instinctively open, carry me away to safety.
My body stays relaxed - It wants this too.
I open my wings just barely. I don't want to fly, or slow my fall - I just want to feel the wind between my feathers, one last time. It feels lovely, welcoming even.
I crack open one eye, staring forward at the stars. Its truly a beautiful night - the moon is bright, the stars are clear, and there's not a cloud to be seen. I'm glad that this is the last thing I'll see.
I pull my forelegs in, pressing my hind legs back as my body enters a diving pose that it's very used to doing.
It's more relaxed than usual, though. I think for a moment about speeding up, doing a sonic rainboom and ending with a bang, but - It doesn't seem fitting.
Not for tonight.
Maybe if I was more angry, more sad, less tired - if I was mad at the world for letting me get into this position, if I felt used or abandoned, I'd go out with a bang like that - One final lesson to world not to mess with Rainbow Dash.
But I'm not.
All I feel right now is just...Tired. Relaxed.
And, I'll admit it - relived. I'm even a little bit happy, seeing the ground growing ever closer - It'll all be over soon.
I had a good run, you know? I wouldn't change a damn thing.
Well, maybe I'd change this - I never really wanted to get this tired, get to this point. But I can't change anything, and I'm at this point.
I can see all the details of the ground now. I can taste the freedom, feel it seeping into my skin through every pore. I spread my wings a little bit more, relieved to know that just about nothing could stop me at this point.
The sun peaks it's way over the horizon, painting the sky a rainbow of reds, oranges, blues, and twinkling white lights. It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
I smile, and close my eyes.
This is it.
I'm ready to finally - finally, after all this time - face my next grand adventure.
~*~
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And this was totally the best thing to read right before bed.
As someone with depression who is in a similar situation to RD in this fic, some of the story hits home. I feel like she does about some things. We're both at our highest that we've been in life. It seems like the sky's the limit, but when you're in the sky, doesn't that put you at your limit? The pressure can be intense, but it can also feel like a major letdown. I can feel where she's coming from here, up until she says that falling would be better than flying. See, the way I look at it is that maybe the sky IS the limit. Maybe we can't go higher... But what about further? Isn't there more somewhere out there? I had thoughts that went slightly suicidal a while back, but when I saw it that way, I was able to wrestle with them and win.
Author, depression sucks major donkey balls. I hate it, that feeling in the morning when you don't feel like you can even open your eyes, or the feeling that it doesn't matter if you do or not. I hate the feeling of isolation. I hate it when I hate myself for feeling like that. Author, I get it.
Don't be like Dash, author. Talk to someone. Not just some loser on the internet (ahem, me), but someone who can help you. And if you already are, great! Keep doing it. Don't let L'appel Du Vide claim you. Keep flying, author. Keep fighting. Keep writing.
I felt this story, and it resonated with me. I'll be watching to see what you come up with next.
~Doc
I've felt like this before. Felt like maybe I should just let go.
Yeah, depression does suck. But I've managed to hold on this long.
Good story. It may be a vent fic, but I liked it. Keep up the good work!
I frankly think that the only way to make this more cliché than it already is would be to make flaming doves appear in the background and having them sing Hallelujah.
Also, "L'appel Du Vide" (And yes, Du Vide is two words; believe the French) doesn't refer to being so depressed you think about jumping. It's when you're doing your regular, everyday activities, then you come across a ledge, and you feel the need to jump not because you're sad, but because it's the most radical choice your brain can make at that moment. It has f**k all to do with depression.
Why does this seem so similar to what I feel, except without all the accomplishments Dash has to look back on?
Seems like a lot of people are depressed lately. I know it's not just me.
Ay, ay... I don't want to sound like that guy, but I've been in this situation too. Faced with a crossroads in your life, where you feel that tired. I chose the correct path, and hopefully you do too. I can only tell you that L'appel Duvide is not the notion you want to give in to. I hope you choose not to give in, and keep on flyin'. Stay awesome!
6145422 Thank you for the nice comment. ^-^
I'm not really all that depressed, i just have a small bit of depression and aome anxiety issues - nothing all that serious. i just needed to write something dark.
6145587 I know haha this is a cliche mess but i literally wrote it because i couldn't think of anything else to write so eyyy. *shrug*
&& I new that it's not what it meant, but really wanted to name a story that and couldn't think of any better way to use it pfft.
What might make this even sadder is that being so relaxed actually increases your survival rate in falls, even from terminal velocity. Unconscious people and, ironically, people who attempt suicide, have a higher survival rate than anyone else. With her slightly spread wings slowing her down just that little bit, there's a fair chance that she might live through this (with horrific injuries).
6145843 By the way, did you learn about L'appel du vide through danisnotonfire? Just wondering.
6147272 Nah, There was a post on tumblr of illustrations for sayings that you don't really have in English, and I read it from there. I'd link the post but I saw it a long time ago haha.
Not bad i've heard worse *cough* http://www.fimfiction.net/story/267700/belle-button-and-sandal *cough* but its good
This... is really good. Some grammar errors, sure. But this is one of those rare cases where it's barely noticeable, simply because the rest is so substantial. I'm not one to analyze in great depth, but I gotta say... I went into this little 1300-word story expecting much less than I got. Terrific work.
This was great, totally describes the emotions, ya know? Anyway, good job!
I'm saying to myself: Life is terrible, but there are beautiful spots you can go to. Do something fun like reading a good book or watching MLP or go talk with family or friends. Doing something that makes fun, show myself I'm not alone. I know, without fun or family I wouldn't be writting this. I'm over it, and I'm glad about.