Equestria Alternate: The Nightmare Republic

Night Eternal175 stories ·154 members

Equestria Alternate: The Nightmare Republic

You all might've seen the second episode of the first season where the Mane 6 won and Nightmare Moon lost to the Elements of Harmony. Well what if that outcome never happened and something very odd occured instead?

Chapters (3)

Prolouge: The Fall · 21st Apr 2015 · 1,065 words
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Chapter 1: Their Rebirth · 22nd Apr 2015 · 1,317 words
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Chapter 2: How long were they dead? · 24th Apr 2015 · 1,613 words
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BlackShadow94

BlackShadow94 #1 · Apr 23rd, 2015 · · · Prolouge: The Fall ·

A couple of mistakes I found:

"Help..... us." Twilight said as her last words before she too, passed from the world.

I think this would sound better if it were worded as:

"Help...us...please." Twilight's words barely left her lips as her head nodded, and darkness passed over her.

Hastily, the blue pony then used all of her magic might to finally pull out the spears from the corpses, causing them all to clatter against the ground. The pony then picked them all up and dragged them to an empty large room and positioned them all in six different circles out of volcano ash.

Which could be better worded as:

With haste, the blue pony yanked out the spears with ease, tossing them aside, clattering against the ancient, stone floor. With demonic strength, she hoisted up all six bodies, and carried them into a large, round empty room. She placed each of the bodies in six, separate rings of volcanic ash spread about the room.

"Let's

The L in Let's should be lowercase, since the N in Now is where the sentence actually begins.

Dark Amulet

Dark Amulet #2 · Apr 24th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Their Rebirth ·

5899075 Huh
5899075

BlackShadow94

BlackShadow94 #3 · Apr 25th, 2015 · · · Chapter 1: Their Rebirth ·

reborn or resurrected

Reborn and resurrected mean the same thing, so just get rid of one of these words.

........

Ellipses need only three dots. It's also worth mentioning that you shouldn't overuse ellipses. Using them to add dramatic effect can be considered cheap. Not that using them in this way is bad, just don't over do it.

Reincarnation is like where one who has died from a previous life gets reborn or resurrected and still have memories of their former life even though they died long ago.

This sentence is kinda unnecessary. Most people know what reincarnation or resurrection is, so it'd be best just to scrap this.

Have you ended wondered about Death? It ain't always pretty dying, but the ones who die say it's faster than falling asleep, ones who survive it say it was "peaceful", and many other things, but can reincarnation exist? Reincarnation is like where one who has died from a previous life gets reborn or resurrected and still have memories of their former life even though they died long ago. But remember........ there are fates worse than death, so live your life..... to your fullest....and don't end it so quickly...

This paragraph is also not needed, since it adds nothing to the story. Most readers will just skip this.

Dark Amulet