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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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The quality of this story has changed. Dramatically. It's gone from being exceptional to generic. Is it even the same author writing anymore?
The Chrysalis and Discord parts are just stupid and unneeded. There's already way too much going on in this story. Scrap it.
Big Mac is a stupid hillbilly (I am biased though, I really don't like TwiMac). Granny Smith is a generic stupid homophobe hillbilly.
Twilight is a scumbag for not breaking things off with Rarity before going after Big Mac.
The rape bit, you haven't handled well. Imo, you should just scrap it.
The Spike and Ruby parts, I'm actually liking now. Their part in this chapter was alright.
The AppleDash parts are really generic now. I'm disappointed, because I was liking them before.
Edit: Oh yeah, I forgot about Fluttershy and the shrink. So stupid. Not even remotely plausible. Scrap it.
I think you need to take a break, and reread this entire story. Compare the first 10 chapters to these latest five or so. There is a huge difference. Please, this story was great and I think it can be great again.
Oooh this is gonna get interesting :D
Use your 4th wall powers Pinkie! USE THE 4TH WALL!!!
I kind of hate to ask this but are you planning to write any chapters that aren't total downers? There's nothing wrong with a sad or emotional story but you have to balance the depression with happiness which is something you seem to be having a little trouble with.
Wow I didn't mean to sound all pretentious like that, I just want to see this story do well. Here's hoping things look up once in a while.
Two things to say about the newest chapters:
1 Big Mac's comment about a threesome was out of character. It wasn't just crass. It was so horribly insensitive... It is something I could say on a very bad day, and I am borderline Asperger's.
2 Dr Shrink. I absolutely hate the guy. He is not a shrink. Not even a quack. At this moment he is a very expensive male prostitute. What is his point in the story besides keeping Fluttershy busy while Pinkie gets kidnapped?
P.S. Hearing Pinkie's song just after reading Silent Ponyville give s me head canon glitch...
1399896
I agree i think it is time for me o stop reading this one.
Beginning: Mares having fun happy times. Now: Everyones having trouble, being raped, or captured.
I liked he beginning better.
I'm not going to quit reading this, since I want to see how you salvage it (and because there was some damn good clop at the beginning and I'm hoping we get some more).
Your story started with three pairings: Twilight and Rarity, AJ and RD, Pinkie and FS. You added Spike and Ruby later, and that was ok.
I was ok with RD dealing with being semi-nymphomanial and afraid of commitment, because I figured it would eventually work out (and it did).
I was ok with Twilight deciding she wanted a stallion. I'm personally a fan of BM x Twi.
I was ok with Pinkie and FS's relationship, despite my personal distaste for all things BDSM.
I am not ok with Chrysalis and Discord - they're irrelevant. You started with really good clop, now you're trying to add too much conflict. It's possible to have a sex scene in an adventure story, but you're adding adventure to a sex scene.
The way Rarity dealt with Twilight breaking things off with her was unacceptable. I understand that she's dealing with the repercussions, but it shouldn't have happened.
FS and the Doc is bad, should not have happened at all, and should not happen again.
Now, there's an awkward love-hate triangle with Spike, Ruby, and Rarity (who seems to have completely forgotten that she was in love with Twilight), FS and Pinkie are on the rocks, Pinkie's in a dungeon somewhere (probably pending rape), Twilight and Big Mac are on the rocks because Granny Smith is a bigot, AJ and RD are having trouble because Granny Smith is a bigot, Applebloom is probably going to get in some sort of trouble because Granny Smith is a bigot...
I'm no genius fanfic writer, but I hope you bring this back to how it was - three (mostly) stable relationships (maybe with an "open relationship" with BM, Twi, and Rarity), centering around high quantities of high quality clop, with an occasional "Oh yeah, these other two ponies are having sex as well." Please, try to stabilize this within the next couple chapters, and bring it back to how it started.
While I agree that there are too many storiylines going on at once, with the Discord/Chrysalis part in particular being the most out of place one, I have to disagree with most of the above comments. Just because a story is sad or has sad elements, or has relationships not working out ideally, or with families disapproving of what you are doesn't mean it makes the story less good. For me, these elements were what drew me in when I started reading this fic - one portraying romance in a less cute and more sad and realistic manner. Will keep reading.
1400491 "portraying romance in a less cute and more sad and realistic manner"
Yes, that's exactly what I loved about this story too. It was brilliant. The writing and the plot, everything has just fallen apart with these latest chapters though. I completely agree with 1400442.
I dunno, I still think that it's pretty good.
although i dont like the discord-chrysalis part the rest is really good
AppleDash bits I liked, while my insane Sparity boner is being slaughtered horrendously. I have to skip the bits with Rarity because I'm unable to deal with non-Spike Rarity shippings without gagging or vomiting.
Just going through the motions. Even the storytelling is bland and repetitive. The beginning was great, with the group experimenting and then finding pairings and it was gorgeous. Then... shit. I don't mind conflict, but this is not the author that started this story.
This is getting good. and i was in a good mood. till i saw that huge ass wall of text for a comment at the top.
but hey, negative and positive criticism are always around, and i think this guy is filling the negative quite well.
but i also think his thinking is a bit shallow, he's instead looking at the early concept of this instead of the broad spectrum.
cuz let me tell you, i'd be bored out of my skull if there wasn't some action in this.
gotta balance all that drama out. if that's all that's in it, then it kills the story for me. i can't deal with just high level drama without some action from the generic side.
all in all, keep it going the way it's going. i'm loving this more and more.
A lot of things are happening, I like it, can't add much more really...
1401058Hahaha, oh Arby.
This is sounding great so far! Don't get me wrong, I'm not reading this story because of the clopfic. I just think its interesting how you have put all the different ponies together. Nice work though, can't wait to see more!
Am I the only one who loves teh dramatic change? I loved the story for its romantic elements at the start but I love the dramatic turn for the worse it has taken as far as the characters predicaments. The drama is equally as interesting imo. I will iss the upbeat clofic that it started as but I welcome the semi depressing romantic adventure/drama it has become! Its awesome!
This story just blatantly sucks now. It started off really well with the first few chapters, but now? It's so cliché the most bland of clopfics would pale when standing right next to it.
Everything is building up. Can't wait
I am loving how you are incorporating the titles of the chapters into the story. I can't wait for the climax....hehehe, "climax".
Pinkie sing to make him go away!!!!!
"Manipulate innocent hearts..." ... That's bullshit and you know it
Well... Yes?
Wow... Ruby is being surprisingly mature about this
1400491
Well I guess most of these comments exist because most of these relationships aren't being realistic enough...?
Look at it this way: Granny Smith a bigot? Sure, old people and bullshit. Granny Smith a bigot without explanation and then the author has too many timelines and is all over the place, now then we have a problem. Twilight is impulsive? Sure. Was she a complete asshole and oblivious to any of Rarity's feelings whatsoever? Nope, I can't see it happening "realistically" anywhere. Rarity lashing out to the previous absurdity? She is right to do so. Rarity raping Spike to get... Revenge was it? She is petty but I don't like how the author handled it at all, for the simple fact that it doesn't make sense from the beginning of this shit.
Twilight giving up a wonderful mare such as Rarity to go behind her back and date a... stallion? now that is just beyond ridiculous, Twilight is gay. You can't change my mind.
Just, too many inconsistencies exist to give any kind of value to your argument. I digress however.
This isn't generic at all... (My writing is bleeding with sarcasm)
..... Classic kidnapping I say
Seriously, why even bother putting that scene in there?
Booooooring blows a raspberry
Yes she did and you just follow the first random pony into the dark alley over there....
Should I point out how bad you are at writing these characters? It kinda just speaks for itself at this point but I wanted to know if we were on the same page