Chapter 3 - What's worse, Greifers or Intruders?
It was a lovely afternoon in Ponyville. After the incident at the wedding, the main six (Spike included) headed back home while Shining Armor and Princess Cadance headed off on their honeymoon after the party. After the mares got off the train from Canterlot, they all went off their separate ways as Spike and Twilight headed back to there peaceful library.
"Well, that was a good trip if I do say so myself" Spike spoke.
"I'll admit, it could have gone better if those Changlings haven't shown up and tried to invade Canterlot along with Equestria." Twilight said. "I mean sure, Shining and Cadance beat Queen Chrysalis saved everypony, but I wished we could of prevented it in the first place."
"We couldn't of known that there was a race of love-sucking bugs were planning an invasion on Equestria, Twi. The important thing is that everypony is safe and we can finally relax in ponyville."
"I guess your right Spike. Although, we'll relax after we clean the library and rearrange the books."
"What?! We barely came back from Canterlot and we still have to work?!" Spike pouted.
"Yes, we need to keep it clean. You didn't think I would forget now would you?" Twilight said with a smirk.
As they both finally gotten to the library, Twilight used her magic to turn the nob and open the door with Spike in tow. When they went in, they were met with a flash of a bright light that fill the room. Once it dimmed down, Twilight and Spike were shock to see a black coated unicorn stallion with dark purple mane and tail was standing in front of them. What got Twilight's attention was his cutie-mark was an orb surrounded with seven purple sparkles. Also the fact, that he was tall as Celestia, maybe even an inch taller!
"Wha-..." The mysterious stranger says as he collapse onto the floor.
"Twilight, who is this and what's wrong with him?!" Spike panicked.
"I don't know but go get the others while I see what's wrong with him." Twilight said as she levitated their new guest onto the couch.
"Are you sure Twi? We don't know if he's safe or not. He could be a burglar that tried to rob us before we came here." Spike asked as the fear of sompony hurting his adoptive sister while he's gone.
"I'll be fine Spike, if he tries anything, then I'll put a spell on him that'll subdue him" Twilight replied.
Spike simply nodded and made one last glance at their "guest" before running off to find ther others.
'I just hope she knows what she's doing, or it things won't end well' Spike thought.
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The story's premise seems interesting.
You may want to get an editor to check your tenses and all
No.
I got to admit l would like it if the chapters were a bit longer but the story is good
6050375 I'll try to make it longer. And I'm a Brony to let you know.
I came here and didn't expect this story to be very good but so far I'm actually enjoying it. it's been a while since I last played minecraft and it's nice to have a reminder of how cool it was. I'm hoping this turns out well
THe chapter is again nothing special, but i like what you have writtne, i guess if the chapter would be longer, there would be much more to like.
Minor errors, doesn't bode well for the future that they occur in multiple chapters after a rewrite, but fixed easily.
OOC. A big problem, but one that can be overcome if not backed by other major errors. Hm.
Stop.
It's a good story idea, one I've seen only twice before.
It needs work though.
Minor errors like spelling, grammar, punctuation can be easily fixed.
Major errors like the OOC problem, might need some time and assistance to find and fix.
You mig want to develop the plot and character a little better as well, all we know is that it's an Enderman named Shadow that found a book and fell through the "Midnight Zone" and can now never return to Minecraft. There's not much other than that though.
This is my stop, I wish you luck as you lay the rails for the passenger train to follow.
My assumption is one of two things: either English isn't your first language or you're typing too fast as you're missing key transition words that are needed for sentences to sound right. Also several other English errors.
Example:
Should read after correcting 3 errors with the missing transition highlighted by italics: